TheBanyanTree: Fwd: This Turned Out to be Much Longer Than I'd Planned and I May or May Not Have Ever Made a Point

[Pam James]

second try


To: A comfortable place to meet other people and exchange your own
*original* writings. <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com>


I was a very bright student - which was part luck and part survival!
School came easy and I was able to make my parents "proud", but also I saw
the way my older sister suffered for her grades, and keeping my father
happy was the goal!  The down side to all that is that I never learned how
to study!  I went to class, paid attention, did my work and scored well!
Viola!  Until the last year of math.  Ugh... Part of the problem was the
teacher.  Her name was Jane Jones and we un-affectionately referred to her
as J-squared.  Duh!  Math class!!  :-)

My senior year they had built a new high school, and they filled it with
kids from a couple of schools and merged us all together.  And found new
teachers.  Miss Jones was from Indiana.  And she skimmed over so much stuff
telling us, 'You had this in the 9th grade', or whenever.  When we tried to
beg to differ, she brushed us off.  As a new school with a new idea, they
had our parents come in one evening and follow our schedule around to our
classes.  They got to tour the new school, and have mini 'parent-teacher
conferences'!  My mom walked in and asked, "How's Pamela doing?" and Miss
Jones told her, "She's getting a D, and that's a gift!".  (Funny how I
can't remember crap from my life but I will never forget that line!)  My
parents were aghast!

And then our parents took our seats, and Miss Jones addressed them all.
And she explained how poorly the whole class was doing because - as she
told them - it was the last class of the day and nobody wanted to focus and
learn.  Every student in that class was AP (advanced placement - one was a
much younger Vietnamese child) and headed to college - except me!  She did
not impress my parents, which kept me out of trouble for the only low grade
I ever got in school!

My father always loved women, and was quite the charmer.  My parents would
go out and my father would dance with all of them - much to my mom's
chagrin.  He didn't care what they looked like or what color they were - if
they were fun then he was all in!  (Hmmm... interesting insight here as I
type those words... maybe THAT is why I've always worked on being "fun" and
entertaining and never leading with the sad stuff.....)  Anyway, he sat
there and listened to Miss Jones and noted that she was unattractive and
she had no personality - obviously SHE was the problem!  He told me that if
HE had to sit in that class every day he'd get the biggest slingshot and
send spitballs her way constantly!

None of that is why I sat down to write, but it's the reason that I didn't
want to go to college out of high school.  I would NEVER be able to study,
and that one math class turned me off to any more class time.  Not sure
what I was thinking!  But nobody argued!  I was working at McDonald's as a
Star Hostess (they don't even have them anymore, but I wore a special
colorful outfit and did PR - including birthday parties for kids!!  We had
cakes and special toys!  Now every Happy Meal has a toy and McDonald's is
not necessarily a job to be proud of, but I loved it all those years ago!
I loved the people at the registers and I was fast and accurate!  Those old
time registers didn't do the math and we had to count back change!  I could
tell somebody their total before I'd even finished ringing it up!  I even
have a stainless steel McDonald's ring I earned buried in a jewelry box!  I
was also a 'Swing' manager and could fill in for managers, and open and
close the store!  AND I knew to serve the food starting with the coldest
first!  Shakes, then burgers, then fries!!  Never put the fries down to
cool while you go get a shake or iced drink!  Sorry.... my brain just took
me back!

Again, not what I sat down to write.  I was working, had my own car and
could support myself so after high school I moved in with a friend.  My
parents didn't like it but I was 18 - legal for everything back then!  And
for a year and a half, I bummed around.  Working and moving home, moving
out - fighting with my parents.  After 18 years, I turned rebellious!
Sadly for my father, I was too old to beat.  He did try to take my car away
because he had co-signed, but it turns out that if I'm paying the bill he
can't!  And at that time, I was 'dating' a 30 year old named Ray Jones.  I
often wonder what became of him! My parents *really* fought that
relationship, which is sad, because if they'd just left me alone I would
have figured it out a lot faster!  I drove myself to Kansas City and up to
Indiana and over to NYC and then Connecticut, to my cousin's.  And then I
came back to North Carolina, started a semester of college, dropped out and
after more drama decided I had to make some smarter choices!  I kept saying
I'm sorry and doing the same dumb things!  And so.  On a whim.  I made the
decision to join the Marine Corps.  Drastic times called for drastic
measures!  It was a smart decision in a sea of bad ones, and it set me on a
fabulous course for life!  I have no idea how I was so fortunate!

Because a four year enlistment turned into another and then another and
then I had 20 years, and now it's 23 years after that and I have had a
retirement that pays the mortgage, and medical benefits that are pretty
darned amazing.

When I was floundering for a purpose in that year and a half, most of my
troubles stemmed from my relationship with a man, and my father's
determination that I not see him.  When I blindly joined the Corps and set
a new course, I don't know what I was thinking, but it was NOT to see how
many husbands I could collect!!  In fact, funny story, back in those days,
everybody knew that there were gay women in the service, and that kind of
..... taboo!  It was 'bad', although I knew a few lesbian Marine women and
we were actually friends!  I was confused!  At my first enlistment - which
was a big deal with my parents there and pictures! - I told the CO that,
'everybody knows you join the Marine Corps to find a woman or a man and I
haven't found either so I'm going to try again!'.  Gosh I was hilarious!
But I never considered collecting ex-husbands and marrying and divorcing
three times!!  Ugh...

My very first job had me working for a Sergeant (I was a young, 'boot'
Private!) and he was so bossy!!  Do this!  Do that!!  Never a 'please' or
'would you mind?'!  hahahahaah!!  Eventually I figured it out and did well
and I even became friends with that Sergeant and his wife.  We double-dated
to the Marine Corps Ball one year!  And another year I house and dog
sat for them at Christmas so they could go home to Boston, and my parents
came and spent Christmas with me there at his house!  Crazy!

Because he went overseas one year, and she left him for a Lance Corporal!
I have no idea what went on between them, but what I remember now from them
was that she decided - after 12 years with him - that it wasn't the life
she wanted and she stopped paying bills, started going out and spending his
money, and started smoking pot.  VERY TABOO in my mind back then!  I'm
skipping over some unimportant parts, but he came back and I offered to
make a friendly dinner for him, and he offered to take me out, so we went.
The next night was New Year's and we went to a party at the home of one of
the guys he was overseas with.  And then we officially started dating.  I
know because I asked!  "So, are we dating?"  He said yes, he'd like to get
to know me better!  I was 26 and sure I would be an old maid so I jumped on
that!  I did a mental 'box check' in my mind!  Good job?  Check!  He has
his own home?  Check!  Will my  parents like him?  Check and check!!!!
They'd met him and stayed at his house!  And he wanted children so it was a
match made in Heaven!!!!!!!!

Except I wasn't in love with him.  I didn't realize it at the time.  We got
engaged on Valentine's!  Yep!  So romantic with a ring and everything!!
And started planning the wedding for August 1st!!!  And to quote Shania
Twain, it was all about, "the guests, the dress, the cake, the car, the
whole darned thing'!!!  I was reminded years later by Carla, my BFF through
it all, that the morning of the wedding we sat outside and I told her I
thought it was a bad idea - but what could I do?!  The guests were here!!

And we fought.  Boy did we fight!  I got pregnant within a few months -
YAY!! - and had my second child a couple of years later.  We fought, we
bickered, and we played nice.  I don't know what he thought, but I found
him useless as a roommate and parent to these children!  He did nothing and
I did it all!  He was very 'old school' having grown up in a home with his
parents and his grandmother (and he was a Catholic "accident" when his
sister was 18!!), and he was waited on by women!  Yeah, not THIS chick!!
There were dinners to be made and clothes to be washed and children to
entertain - and he sat on the couch watching TV.  I am sure I was bossy and
overbearing.  But he just would NOT conform to what I needed him to be, and
finally, after 5 or 6 years, I asked him to move out.  When we were
planning what to split up, he said, "I want my furniture!" and I told him
that was good because I wanted my kids!  Even trade!!

My father accused me of just marrying him to have kids and I was offended,
but looking back as a wiser person, he may have just been right!

I dated a couple of guys, but didn't remarry for 5 or so more years.  I
didn't bring guys home to be 'Uncles' to my children, and I carried the
guilt of making them divorce statistics!  They have no memories of us ever
living together - my son was 2 when we split and my daughter wasn't even
5.  But we NEVER fought about the kids.  He was their father and they could
see him whenever they wanted!  And he could see them.

And then I met #2.  He was younger than me by more than a dozen years, but
he was something of a childish old soul - and he immediately took to my
kids!  I thought I was madly in love with him and we married 5 weeks after
our first date.  Yes.  Weeks.  For two of those weeks he was across the
county visiting his parents since the trip had been planned for months! But
I was SO SURE I was doing the right thing!!  He was great!  He cooked, he
cleaned, he helped with homework, he did yard work and planted amazing rose
bushes - he could fix anything!  He was a keeper!!!

Until he wasn't.  <sigh>  I retired and he was still on active duty
(another Marine!), but he was being medically retired for neck and back
issues, and he couldn't deal with that.  He loved mentoring younger guys
and being their 'go-to' leader - he was what could be called a "Marine's
Marine" and to make up for his loss, he started hanging out with folks I
couldn't tolerate.  There was a motorcycle club that he wanted to join -
but he had to wait until he was retired!  They probably don't like being
compared to the Hell's Angels, but there you have it!  They did things I
couldn't condone or understand, and they treated women like shit!  We were
at a local bar one afternoon and we'd all put money in the jukebox.  I
listened to some of their crap, but when mine came on, they fast forwarded
the machine and skipped them!  I was pissed, and I left and walked the
three miles home.  My husband had no idea I'd even left!  I'd spent 20
years in the Corps - and I would not be disrespected by some chump guys
with motorcycles!!!  The worst thing to them was to be "disrespected".
People got the crap beaten out of them for that!!!  But there you have it.
And so, I gave him a choice!  Them, or me and the kids.  Note to self:
make sure you're prepared for either option!

I was not.  He chose them.  And I went a little crazy after that, but I'm
better now!

That loss caused me to go all kinds of crazy and my social drinking became
very un-social.  I once spent 72 hours in a nut house! The pain I felt was
physical and I needed it to stop!  Somehow I stumbled onto the best
counsellor around.  What a lifesaver she was!  I got sober and sane and
became a person again!

And then, a few years later, I met number three.  We did NOT get married
right away!  We dated for a year or so and prayed about it and I THOUGHT we
were making good decisions!!  But after 5 or 6 years, I was done.  He was a
golfer.  An avid, competitive golfer.  When we first got together, he had
some medical issues that kept him from golfing so much.  But gradually, as
time went on, he was golfing more.  Every single weekend morning, he was up
early to go golf.  When he got home he would sit in front of the TV
and turn the golf channel on.  And take a nap.  And I got resentful.  And
probably meaner.  After a few years there was nothing.  He had moved into
my home and I don't think he ever felt it was his.  Oh, it was just a lot
of things and I finally called an end to that also.  The end.

I was angry.  So very angry.  Just in general - angry!  I went to a women's
retreat and on the last morning we were all sitting in a circle and those
that wanted to share about what they'd gotten out of it and blah, blah,
blah, could, but we didn't have to.  And then it turned into going around
the circle so when it got to me I felt obligated to open my mouth but all I
could say in reply to their happy, joyour bullshit was, "I fucking hate you
all and I don't know what you're so happy about!" My fabulous counsellor of
years before had retired and became my friend, and she recommended a
therapist that she had seen and again - OH HAPPY DAY!  Another soul saver
in my life!  I had been divorced three times, and while they all have
faults, *I* was the common denominator!  Why was I spitting out husbands
like watermelon seeds?!?!  And with her I found some answers.  Big fat ugly
answers!

And a whole freaking lot of it stems back to that childhood and the control
I didn't have!  My dad made the rules and enforced the rules, and I learned
best how to survive!  I always knew I was a little suck-up, but I thought I
just adored my father and wanted to make him happy and proud.  No, it was
more like I was scared to death to break any rules and piss him off!  But,
with husbands, *I* could make the rules and kick them all to the curbs when
they refused to do things MY way!!!!!!!

Love?  I'm not really sure I even know what that is!  I am freaking
*amazed* when folks say how long they've been together!!!!!  *HOW* do you
even do that?!?!?  Way too much compromise and kindness - and I'm just not
wired that way evidently!  Sometimes I feel like an island - and everybody
is an arm's length from me, all the way around!  I detest being vulnerable,
and the older I've gotten, the less I take chances!  And people tell me:
you have to be vulnerable.  You have to be genuine or you won't get it in
return.  Whatever.

And so, since the last husband moved out 8 1/2 years ago, I have built a
life that I consider fabulous, and I've been quite content!!  I have added
to my critter collection, slowly and with no intent!  One dog turned into
two, and those turned into four, and one cat came and died and then I got
another out of guilt and then another!  SIX ANIMALS in this house with me!
Really, it doesn't seem like that many!  But they needed love and care and
I came to their rescue, literally!  I have a wonderful job that I stumbled
onto because of all that experience from the Marine Corps, and currently it
has me teleworking full time so I don't even have to put on real clothes
most days!  (A positive from that dreaded Covid!)

And then there's my volunteer work.  THAT is my heart these days!  I am a
volunteer Guardian ad Litem in the court system for abused and neglected
children brought into Social Services.  It started slowly, and I was green
and unsure and cautious, but as the years have gone by I am more sure and
deeply motivated.  Because these are children who need advocates!  They
need somebody to speak up for them and represent them to the system as
people with wants and feelings, needful of love and safety!  Every freaking
child born deserves safety and love.  Not money, not fancy material things,
just love and a safe spot to land!  *I* never had that and so I am the
perfect advocate!  I am not afraid to stand up for them, I am not timid or
shy in my testimony!  In fact, I've built up quite a bit of credibility
with the Court and I'm mindful not to blow it!

And so I want all the kids on my caseload!  For a while, we had poor
leadership and they gave me cases!  LOTS of cases!  But now we have an
amazing Director and she won't give me anymore.  And so I'm closing cases
and wondering what to do with my free time!  I have to investigate these
cases, and make visits at least once a month to all the children.  I love
every minute of it!!

And so my life is full.  I long ago accepted that I'm just not made for
relationships.  Nothing to be sad about - it is what it is!  And I just
didn't care.  Where in the heck does a man even fit in my life?!  I'm too
busy to have 'dates' and it's just... messy!  ugh....  And one of my Danes
is really iffy with men so that's another complication!  I have not missed
men in any way, shape or form!  And I haven't felt sad about it either!  I
haven't seen anybody who even gave me a shred of interest - almost as if
the door to romance in my 62 year young life had been closed and bolted.
But no matter - I have dozens of other doors of friendships and hobbies and
kids and dogs to never have a dull moment!

AURGHGH!!  Right up until the freaking moment I looked at a man and my
heart did a little jump!  WTF!?!?!?!??!?!!?  OMG!  The more time I spent
around him, the more I liked him!  The more he interested me and the more I
found myself looking for the key to that darned door!!  Fuck.  It's so
complicated!  The wondering, the small talk, the pounding heart.... who has
time for this?!?!?!  We went to lunch last week.  We almost thought the
other had stood the other up but that was miscommunication and we laughed
and got our facts straight and enjoyed a two-plus hour lunch chatting and
getting to know each other.  At the end we hugged and said it had been fun
and we'd do it again!

So I suggested we do it this week again, yesterday, and we did and again,
all the feels.  And then I made myself vulnerable.  I told him I'd like to
see him more....

He doesn't want to.  He had a bunch of reasons which now, looking back on,
I find almost insulting - just get to the bottom line:  no thank you!

Evidently he wasn't getting the little heart flips.  Sure I'm fun to be
around!  Anybody would want to go to lunch with me!  (my words)  He is not
looking for a relationship.  At all.  I get it.

But why in the hell did my self fail me after all these years?!?!?!?  I was
perfectly happy in my own little world, man-less and not missing a damned
thing!  And then I made myself vulnerable and even cried a bit.  I have not
cried in years.  Years!!  I'm sad.  He really is a super nice guy, and he
also has a passion for the children.  He hugged me and said he was
flattered.  I want to focus on THAT!  I want to take that as pity and hone
in on it and get angry about it!  Then I won't be feeling sad, I'll be
angry!  A much safer emotion!!!!!!

I was just feeling bummed and I thought I'd write about it as therapeutic
journaling, but then I started with some back story about how I got here,
and then more story about that story, and well - hours have gone by.

Pam