TheBanyanTree: Fwd: This Turned Out to be Much Longer Than I'd Planned and I May or May Not Have Ever Made a Point

[Sachet]

What I gleaned out of this fascinating and amazing story is that you did
the head work, and you did the even harder heart work, which brought you to
the incredibly healthy point of being able to be willing to become
vulnerable again. That, my most awesome friend is pure gold.

This guy that caught your interest was a valuable experience in that you
can use it to reflect on how *much* you have healed. You have gracefully
restored your spirit to a place of beauty, strength and balance.

I am so very glad you shared this story Pammie. Love you muchly 💜🦋

On Tue, Jan 31, 2023 at 6:42 AM Pam James via TheBanyanTree <
thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:

> second
> To: A comfortable to meet other people and exchange your own
> *original* writings. <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com>
>
>
> I was a very bright student - which was part luck and part survival!
> School came easy and I was able to make my parents "proud", but also I saw
> the way my older sister suffered for her grades, and keeping my father
> happy was the goal!  The down side to all that is that I never learned how
> to study!  I went to class, paid attention, did my work and scored well!
> Viola!  Until the last year of math.  Ugh... Part of the problem was the
> teacher.  Her name was Jane Jones and we un-affectionately referred to her
> as J-squared.  Duh!  Math class!!  :-)
>
> My senior year they had built a new high school, and they filled it with
> kids from a couple of schools and merged us all together.  And found new
> teachers.  Miss Jones was from Indiana.  And she skimmed over so much stuff
> telling us, 'You had this in the 9th grade', or whenever.  When we tried to
> beg to differ, she brushed us off.  As a new school with a new idea, they
> had our parents come in one evening and follow our schedule around to our
> classes.  They got to tour the new school, and have mini 'parent-teacher
> conferences'!  My mom walked in and asked, "How's Pamela doing?" and Miss
> Jones told her, "She's getting a D, and that's a gift!".  (Funny how I
> can't remember crap from my life but I will never forget that line!)  My
> parents were aghast!
>
> And then our parents took our seats, and Miss Jones addressed them all.
> And she explained how poorly the whole class was doing because - as she
> told them - it was the last class of the day and nobody wanted to focus and
> learn.  Every student in that class was AP (advanced placement - one was a
> much younger Vietnamese child) and headed to college - except me!  She did
> not impress my parents, which kept me out of trouble for the only low grade
> I ever got in school!
>
> My father always loved women, and was quite the charmer.  My parents would
> go out and my father would dance with all of them - much to my mom's
> chagrin.  He didn't care what they looked like or what color they were - if
> they were fun then he was all in!  (Hmmm... interesting insight here as I
> type those words... maybe THAT is why I've always worked on being "fun" and
> entertaining and never leading with the sad stuff.....)  Anyway, he sat
> there and listened to Miss Jones and noted that she was unattractive and
> she had no personality - obviously SHE was the problem!  He told me that if
> HE had to sit in that class every day he'd get the biggest slingshot and
> send spitballs her way constantly!
>
> None of that is why I sat down to write, but it's the reason that I didn't
> want to go to college out of high school.  I would NEVER be able to study,
> and that one math class turned me off to any more class time.  Not sure
> what I was thinking!  But nobody argued!  I was working at McDonald's as a
> Star Hostess (they don't even have them anymore, but I wore a special
> colorful outfit and did PR - including birthday parties for kids!!  We had
> cakes and special toys!  Now every Happy Meal has a toy and McDonald's is
> not necessarily a job to be proud of, but I loved it all those years ago!
> I loved the people at the registers and I was fast and accurate!  Those old
> time registers didn't do the math and we had to count back change!  I could
> tell somebody their total before I'd even finished ringing it up!  I even
> have a stainless steel McDonald's ring I earned buried in a jewelry box!  I
> was also a 'Swing' manager and could fill in for managers, and open and
> close the store!  AND I knew to serve the food starting with the coldest
> first!  Shakes, then burgers, then fries!!  Never put the fries down to
> cool while you go get a shake or iced drink!  Sorry.... my brain just took
> me back!
>
> Again, not what I sat down to write.  I was working, had my own car and
> could support myself so after high school I moved in with a friend.  My
> parents didn't like it but I was 18 - legal for everything back then!  And
> for a year and a half, I bummed around.  Working and moving home, moving
> out - fighting with my parents.  After 18 years, I turned rebellious!
> Sadly for my father, I was too old to beat.  He did try to take my car away
> because he had co-signed, but it turns out that if I'm paying the bill he
> can't!  And at that time, I was 'dating' a 30 year old named Ray Jones.  I
> often wonder what became of him! My parents *really* fought that
> relationship, which is sad, because if they'd just left me alone I would
> have figured it out a lot faster!  I drove myself to Kansas City and up to
> Indiana and over to NYC and then Connecticut, to my cousin's.  And then I
> came back to North Carolina, started a semester of college, dropped out and
> after more drama decided I had to make some smarter choices!  I kept saying
> I'm sorry and doing the same dumb things!  And so.  On a whim.  I made the
> decision to join the Marine Corps.  Drastic times called for drastic
> measures!  It was a smart decision in a sea of bad ones, and it set me on a
> fabulous course for life!  I have no idea how I was so fortunate!
>
> Because a four year enlistment turned into another and then another and
> then I had 20 years, and now it's 23 years after that and I have had a
> retirement that pays the mortgage, and medical benefits that are pretty
> darned amazing.
>
> When I was floundering for a purpose in that year and a half, most of my
> troubles stemmed from my relationship with a man, and my father's
> determination that I not see him.  When I blindly joined the Corps and set
> a new course, I don't know what I was thinking, but it was NOT to see how
> many husbands I could collect!!  In fact, funny story, back in those days,
> everybody knew that there were gay women in the service, and that kind of
> ..... taboo!  It was 'bad', although I knew a few lesbian Marine women and
> we were actually friends!  I was confused!  At my first enlistment - which
> was a big deal with my parents there and pictures! - I told the CO that,
> 'everybody knows you join the Marine Corps to find a woman or a man and I
> haven't found either so I'm going to try again!'.  Gosh I was hilarious!
> But I never considered collecting ex-husbands and marrying and divorcing
> three times!!  Ugh...
>
> My very first job had me working for a Sergeant (I was a young, 'boot'
> Private!) and he was so bossy!!  Do this!  Do that!!  Never a 'please' or
> 'would you mind?'!  hahahahaah!!  Eventually I figured it out and did well
> and I even became friends with that Sergeant and his wife.  We double-dated
> to the Marine Corps Ball one year!  And another year I house and dog
> sat for them at Christmas so they could go home to Boston, and my parents
> came and spent Christmas with me there at his house!  Crazy!
>
> Because he went overseas one year, and she left him for a Lance Corporal!
> I have no idea what went on between them, but what I remember now from them
> was that she decided - after 12 years with him - that it wasn't the life
> she wanted and she stopped paying bills, started going out and spending his
> money, and started smoking pot.  VERY TABOO in my mind back then!  I'm
> skipping over some unimportant parts, but he came back and I offered to
> make a friendly dinner for him, and he offered to take me out, so we went.
> The next night was New Year's and we went to a party at the home of one of
> the guys he was overseas with.  And then we officially started dating.  I
> know because I asked!  "So, are we dating?"  He said yes, he'd like to get
> to know me better!  I was 26 and sure I would be an old maid so I jumped on
> that!  I did a mental 'box check' in my mind!  Good job?  Check!  He has
> his own home?  Check!  Will my  parents like him?  Check and check!!!!
> They'd met him and stayed at his house!  And he wanted children so it was a
> match made in Heaven!!!!!!!!
>
> Except I wasn't in love with him.  I didn't realize it at the time.  We got
> engaged on Valentine's!  Yep!  So romantic with a ring and everything!!
> And started planning the wedding for August 1st!!!  And to quote Shania
> Twain, it was all about, "the guests, the dress, the cake, the car, the
> whole darned thing'!!!  I was reminded years later by Carla, my BFF through
> it all, that the morning of the wedding we sat outside and I told her I
> thought it was a bad idea - but what could I do?!  The guests were here!!
>
> And we fought.  Boy did we fight!  I got pregnant within a few months -
> YAY!! - and had my second child a couple of years later.  We fought, we
> bickered, and we played nice.  I don't know what he thought, but I found
> him useless as a roommate and parent to these children!  He did nothing and
> I did it all!  He was very 'old school' having grown up in a home with his
> parents and his grandmother (and he was a Catholic "accident" when his
> sister was 18!!), and he was waited on by women!  Yeah, not THIS chick!!
> There were dinners to be made and clothes to be washed and children to
> entertain - and he sat on the couch watching TV.  I am sure I was bossy and
> overbearing.  But he just would NOT conform to what I needed him to be, and
> finally, after 5 or 6 years, I asked him to move out.  When we were
> planning what to split up, he said, "I want my furniture!" and I told him
> that was good because I wanted my kids!  Even trade!!
>
> My father accused me of just marrying him to have kids and I was offended,
> but looking back as a wiser person, he may have just been right!
>
> I dated a couple of guys, but didn't remarry for 5 or so more years.  I
> didn't bring guys home to be 'Uncles' to my children, and I carried the
> guilt of making them divorce statistics!  They have no memories of us ever
> living together - my son was 2 when we split and my daughter wasn't even
> 5.  But we NEVER fought about the kids.  He was their father and they could
> see him whenever they wanted!  And he could see them.
>
> And then I met #2.  He was younger than me by more than a dozen years, but
> he was something of a childish old soul - and he immediately took to my
> kids!  I thought I was madly in love with him and we married 5 weeks after
> our first date.  Yes.  Weeks.  For two of those weeks he was across the
> county visiting his parents since the trip had been planned for months! But
> I was SO SURE I was doing the right thing!!  He was great!  He cooked, he
> cleaned, he helped with homework, he did yard work and planted amazing rose
> bushes - he could fix anything!  He was a keeper!!!
>
> Until he wasn't.  <sigh>  I retired and he was still on active duty
> (another Marine!), but he was being medically retired for neck and back
> issues, and he couldn't deal with that.  He loved mentoring younger guys
> and being their 'go-to' leader - he was what could be called a "Marine's
> Marine" and to make up for his loss, he started hanging out with folks I
> couldn't tolerate.  There was a motorcycle club that he wanted to join -
> but he had to wait until he was retired!  They probably don't like being
> compared to the Hell's Angels, but there you have it!  They did things I
> couldn't condone or understand, and they treated women like shit!  We were
> at a local bar one afternoon and we'd all put money in the jukebox.  I
> listened to some of their crap, but when mine came on, they fast forwarded
> the machine and skipped them!  I was pissed, and I left and walked the
> three miles home.  My husband had no idea I'd even left!  I'd spent 20
> years in the Corps - and I would not be disrespected by some chump guys
> with motorcycles!!!  The worst thing to them was to be "disrespected".
> People got the crap beaten out of them for that!!!  But there you have it.
> And so, I gave him a choice!  Them, or me and the kids.  Note to self:
> make sure you're prepared for either option!
>
> I was not.  He chose them.  And I went a little crazy after that, but I'm
> better now!
>
> That loss caused me to go all kinds of crazy and my social drinking became
> very un-social.  I once spent 72 hours in a nut house! The pain I felt was
> physical and I needed it to stop!  Somehow I stumbled onto the best
> counsellor around.  What a lifesaver she was!  I got sober and sane and
> became a person again!
>
> And then, a few years later, I met number three.  We did NOT get married
> right away!  We dated for a year or so and prayed about it and I THOUGHT we
> were making good decisions!!  But after 5 or 6 years, I was done.  He was a
> golfer.  An avid, competitive golfer.  When we first got together, he had
> some medical issues that kept him from golfing so much.  But gradually, as
> time went on, he was golfing more.  Every single weekend morning, he was up
> early to go golf.  When he got home he would sit in front of the TV
> and turn the golf channel on.  And take a nap.  And I got resentful.  And
> probably meaner.  After a few years there was nothing.  He had moved into
> my home and I don't think he ever felt it was his.  Oh, it was just a lot
> of things and I finally called an end to that also.  The end.
>
> I was angry.  So very angry.  Just in general - angry!  I went to a women's
> retreat and on the last morning we were all sitting in a circle and those
> that wanted to share about what they'd gotten out of it and blah, blah,
> blah, could, but we didn't have to.  And then it turned into going around
> the circle so when it got to me I felt obligated to open my mouth but all I
> could say in reply to their happy, joyour bullshit was, "I fucking hate you
> all and I don't know what you're so happy about!" My fabulous counsellor of
> years before had retired and became my friend, and she recommended a
> therapist that she had seen and again - OH HAPPY DAY!  Another soul saver
> in my life!  I had been divorced three times, and while they all have
> faults, *I* was the common denominator!  Why was I spitting out husbands
> like watermelon seeds?!?!  And with her I found some answers.  Big fat ugly
> answers!
>
> And a whole freaking lot of it stems back to that childhood and the control
> I didn't have!  My dad made the rules and enforced the rules, and I learned
> best how to survive!  I always knew I was a little suck-up, but I thought I
> just adored my father and wanted to make him happy and proud.  No, it was
> more like I was scared to death to break any rules and piss him off!  But,
> with husbands, *I* could make the rules and kick them all to the curbs when
> they refused to do things MY way!!!!!!!
>
> Love?  I'm not really sure I even know what that is!  I am freaking
> *amazed* when folks say how long they've been together!!!!!  *HOW* do you
> even do that?!?!?  Way too much compromise and kindness - and I'm just not
> wired that way evidently!  Sometimes I feel like an island - and everybody
> is an arm's length from me, all the way around!  I detest being vulnerable,
> and the older I've gotten, the less I take chances!  And people tell me:
> you have to be vulnerable.  You have to be genuine or you won't get it in
> return.  Whatever.
>
> And so, since the last husband moved out 8 1/2 years ago, I have built a
> life that I consider fabulous, and I've been quite content!!  I have added
> to my critter collection, slowly and with no intent!  One dog turned into
> two, and those turned into four, and one cat came and died and then I got
> another out of guilt and then another!  SIX ANIMALS in this house with me!
> Really, it doesn't seem like that many!  But they needed love and care and
> I came to their rescue, literally!  I have a wonderful job that I stumbled
> onto because of all that experience from the Marine Corps, and currently it
> has me teleworking full time so I don't even have to put on real clothes
> most days!  (A positive from that dreaded Covid!)
>
> And then there's my volunteer work.  THAT is my heart these days!  I am a
> volunteer Guardian ad Litem in the court system for abused and neglected
> children brought into Social Services.  It started slowly, and I was green
> and unsure and cautious, but as the years have gone by I am more sure and
> deeply motivated.  Because these are children who need advocates!  They
> need somebody to speak up for them and represent them to the system as
> people with wants and feelings, needful of love and safety!  Every freaking
> child born deserves safety and love.  Not money, not fancy material things,
> just love and a safe spot to land!  *I* never had that and so I am the
> perfect advocate!  I am not afraid to stand up for them, I am not timid or
> shy in my testimony!  In fact, I've built up quite a bit of credibility
> with the Court and I'm mindful not to blow it!
>
> And so I want all the kids on my caseload!  For a while, we had poor
> leadership and they gave me cases!  LOTS of cases!  But now we have an
> amazing Director and she won't give me anymore.  And so I'm closing cases
> and wondering what to do with my free time!  I have to investigate these
> cases, and make visits at least once a month to all the children.  I love
> every minute of it!!
>
> And so my life is full.  I long ago accepted that I'm just not made for
> relationships.  Nothing to be sad about - it is what it is!  And I just
> didn't care.  Where in the heck does a man even fit in my life?!  I'm too
> busy to have 'dates' and it's just... messy!  ugh....  And one of my Danes
> is really iffy with men so that's another complication!  I have not missed
> men in any way, shape or form!  And I haven't felt sad about it either!  I
> haven't seen anybody who even gave me a shred of interest - almost as if
> the door to romance in my 62 year young life had been closed and bolted.
> But no matter - I have dozens of other doors of friendships and hobbies and
> kids and dogs to never have a dull moment!
>
> AURGHGH!!  Right up until the freaking moment I looked at a man and my
> heart did a little jump!  WTF!?!?!?!??!?!!?  OMG!  The more time I spent
> around him, the more I liked him!  The more he interested me and the more I
> found myself looking for the key to that darned door!!  Fuck.  It's so
> complicated!  The wondering, the small talk, the pounding heart.... who has
> time for this?!?!?!  We went to lunch last week.  We almost thought the
> other had stood the other up but that was miscommunication and we laughed
> and got our facts straight and enjoyed a two-plus hour lunch chatting and
> getting to know each other.  At the end we hugged and said it had been fun
> and we'd do it again!
>
> So I suggested we do it this week again, yesterday, and we did and again,
> all the feels.  And then I made myself vulnerable.  I told him I'd like to
> see him more....
>
> He doesn't want to.  He had a bunch of reasons which now, looking back on,
> I find almost insulting - just get to the bottom line:  no thank you!
>
> Evidently he wasn't getting the little heart flips.  Sure I'm fun to be
> around!  Anybody would want to go to lunch with me!  (my words)  He is not
> looking for a relationship.  At all.  I get it.
>
> But why in the hell did my self fail me after all these years?!?!?!?  I was
> perfectly happy in my own little world, man-less and not missing a damned
> thing!  And then I made myself vulnerable and even cried a bit.  I have not
> cried in years.  Years!!  I'm sad.  He really is a super nice guy, and he
> also has a passion for the children.  He hugged me and said he was
> flattered.  I want to focus on THAT!  I want to take that as pity and hone
> in on it and get angry about it!  Then I won't be feeling sad, I'll be
> angry!  A much safer emotion!!!!!!
>
> I was just feeling bummed and I thought I'd write about it as therapeutic
> journaling, but then I started with some back story about how I got here,
> and then more story about that story, and well - hours have gone by.
>
> Pam
>
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