TheBanyanTree: Change
Monique Colve
monique.colver at gmail.com
Sun Feb 6 09:27:49 PST 2022
No. I have loss of brain mass. Anesthesia can make it worse, of course, but not for this length of time, and it's been getting worse for a long time now. I have long term memories, and I know the difference. This has been tested and retested and it's an actual fact. You're minimizing what I know to be true, which is, as I said, what people tend to do. It's one of the reasons I can't work. It's vascular Parkinsonism.
I'm not your mom or your coworker. I'm me. When I go to PT I have to remind them not to overtire me, because once I came home and my vision blurred out. That's another event just waiting to happen, or not, no one can tell without more tests. Anyway, I go to PT to have fun. We laugh, we joke, we work hard, but not so hard I blow my brain mass up more.
I find the more I accept what is, the happier I am. I have my own person right here to tell me what has gotten worse and what hasn't - he sees me every day. The memory loss is such a slow process.
The key is to know when to quit - I kept working because "keep trying" but I also damaged myself by having another stroke. Knowing when to quit is the important part.
Monique
Sent from my iPad
> On Feb 5, 2022, at 8:36 PM, Gloria via TheBanyanTree <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>
> Perhaps being put under for surgery hasn't worn off yet, or perhaps it's
> just the way it is this week or both and then some. The fact that you know
> you're unable to remember things is a positive. Never give up trying.
>
> My mom had stroke-induced short-term memory loss so I've witnessed that up
> close and personal. If I had a reliable memory I'd remember how long it
> takes to move something from the short-term area of the brain to the
> long-term. My memory has never been great and all I can remember about it
> is that there is a timeframe for it. Bah!
>
> I also remember a coworker that was only 12 yrs my elder telling me that
> he'd forgotten more than he knew. Shoot, he was probably about 40 when he
> said that. I remember not understanding how that was even possible. I sure
> do get it now! On the other hand, those with phenomenal memories seem to
> suffer greatly with the knowing of all they have lost. People in their
> lives, youth, missed opportunities, belongings. For some reason, feeling
> the pain from loss is more powerful than remembering the joy felt during
> pleasant times.
>
> Speaking of mom reminded me of her standard answer to "How are you?" after
> her stroke. "Well, I'm still here and I'm thankful for what's good, and I
> hope the bad gets better." I know it helps me to remember that on my down
> days.
>
>> On Sat, Feb 5, 2022 at 10:46 PM Monique Colve via TheBanyanTree <
>> thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>
>> I've been recovering from I don't know what, but all week I've been unable
>> remember Canute's name! For days! It's hilarious - poor dog. I'll call him
>> Ash, or Dog, or hey you, then I'll remember and blurt out "Canute!" I try
>> to keep my brain active, but my short term memory is s***. People will say,
>> "oh, I do that too!" But no. That was just an example. It's constant with
>> the newer things I have to remember. Having a conversation with me requires
>> a lot of patience and guessing! I forget I had a recent knee surgery and
>> I've been walking around like it's all better!
>>
>> Monique
>> Sent from my iPad
>>
>>> On Feb 5, 2022, at 7:00 PM, LaLinda via TheBanyanTree <
>> thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>>
>>> Of course, it's a challenge, sometimes, especially when overwhelmed with
>>> fatigue and/or pain or whatever, but I feel as Monique does...that it's
>>> important to look at all that I have and be glad. It helps, a lot. I'm
>>> sut]re you experience all of this, too, Glo.
>>>
>>>> On Sat, Feb 5, 2022 at 12:41 PM Gloria via TheBanyanTree <
>>>> thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>> "She still is." I'm going to remember that and keep my ears open. I
>> don't
>>>> think I've ever witnessed something like that. Wow.
>>>>
>>>> We are not our illnesses. We are much much more than that, as evidenced
>> by
>>>> you regularly, LL and Monique, and all other tree dwellers. I see no
>> reason
>>>> to stop being who we are. Party on!
>>>>
>>>> On Sat, Feb 5, 2022 at 7:37 AM LaLinda via TheBanyanTree <
>>>> thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> Laura is so right, and today has enough stuff of its,own, including
>>>>> adorable puppy stuff.
>>>>>
>>>>> I like what you said, Laura about us not being our illnesses. When
>>>> Grandma
>>>>> D was in the nursing home and I was visiting with the kids, one day, a
>>>>> nurse/attendant/WHOMEVER said too me,
>>>>>
>>>>> "She gets a lot of company." Y au-\nat an uncle were there, about
>> every
>>>>> day to feed her and watch over her. I answered,
>>>>>
>>>>> "Yes, she does." She responded, "SHE MUST HAVE BEEN A WONDERFUL
>> WOMAN." I
>>>>> felt as though she'd slapped me. i didn't get testy, I just said,
>>>>>
>>>>> "She still is."
>>>>>
>>>>> My thing is, we are here until we are not, and we all witnessed times
>>>> when
>>>>> Gram hadn''t spoken for months, but would come out with something as
>>>> clear
>>>>> as a I have theories about that. When I took the kids, we went to see
>>>> HER,
>>>>> and kind of, for a lack of a better word, minister, or "give" to her.
>>>>> They'd read her their little kiddie books and sing new songs they'd
>>>>> learned, and though she hadn't said anything in three months, when
>>>> Stephen
>>>>> hid behind the door, she said,
>>>>>
>>>>> "What's the matter, baby?" She spoke too Christine,
>>>>>
>>>>> "How are you, beautiful?" And, to me, she said
>>>>>
>>>>> "You have a nice face."
>>>>>
>>>>> My aunts and uncles were flabbergasted. They were there, constantly,
>> and
>>>>> there was constant chatter. I do think she was partial to one, since I
>>>> was
>>>>> her first grandchild and she didn't see me from the time I was a wee
>>>> little
>>>>> one until I was, ha! an "adult," and met her and my father, and that's
>>>>> another story.
>>>>>
>>>>> Another time, a lot of us were there, as usual, everyone was chattering
>>>>> over her. Some weirdo things were said, my crazy aunt was there and
>> made
>>>> a
>>>>> remark about Gram being "trapped" in her body. It broke my heart. She's
>>>>> right here and she can hear you, you dumb ass! Gram always said that
>> I'd
>>>>> she found out she had Alzheimer's, she would go out the back door and
>>>> throw
>>>>> herself into the river. My aunts and uncles lost control of that when
>> the
>>>>> doctor ça,e right out and told her.
>>>>>
>>>>> "What is WRONG with me?" Gram asked her.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Dorothy," the doctor began," have you ever heard of Alzheimer's
>>>> disease?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "Yes."
>>>>>
>>>>> "Well, that is what you have."
>>>>>
>>>>> The aunts and uncles were angry, but, hey. Whatever. She was still a
>>>> person
>>>>> and deserved to know...she ASKED.
>>>>>
>>>>> Back to looney-tunes aunt loudly proclaiming that Gram was trapped, I
>> had
>>>>> to get up to,gop,too the car, because I was melting down, a little,
>>>> knowing
>>>>> how she felt about it, and as I got closer to the car, (we were on the
>>>>> patio) my sister, Carol called,
>>>>>
>>>>> "Linda! Gramma is looking for you!" So I called back,
>>>>>
>>>>> "Bye, Gramma!" And she k picked everyone's socks off by calling back.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Good-bye!"
>>>>>
>>>>> We are here until we are not.
>>>>>
>>>>> And, you can always call me, You are delightful.
>>>>>
>>>>> ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
>>>>>
>>>>> LaLinda
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> On Fri, Feb 4, 2022 at 1:50 PM Laura via TheBanyanTree <
>>>>> thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> Monique,
>>>>>> I think it's good you're going to see someone who is not directly
>>>>>> involved with your life, and not (hopefully) judgmental, to talk
>> things
>>>>>> out. And it's good you can type stuff out and post it here or to other
>>>>>> lists. You can lay out everything you need get out, and just leave it
>>>>>> there, no need to haul it back home with you. Sure, you can't get ALL
>>>> of
>>>>>> it out, but every little bit you can leave behind relieves the
>>>> pressure.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Writing things out is, for me, a bit like lancing a boil. I get to the
>>>>>> point where things are festering inside, and if I don't let them out,
>>>>>> they will explode all over my brain and make me even more nuts. Here
>> in
>>>>>> the Banyan Tree is where my boils get lanced. (ew. sorry about that. a
>>>>>> little dish soap should get that out.) Yeah, that's what happened a
>>>>>> couple days ago.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I'm proud that you are writing it all out and sharing it. It's like
>>>>>> Youngblood's posts, chronicling her experiences. How can anyone else
>>>>>> experience what's happening to you if we don't hear it from you? Sure,
>>>>>> we're not really experiencing them physically, but even if we can't
>>>>>> empathize, we can sympathize with your physical and mental state, and
>>>>>> maybe our perception of Parkinson's will change. It helps all of us to
>>>>>> remember that you are not your condition, you are a PERSON with a
>>>>>> condition. I hate it at the doctor's when a nurse says, "You've got a
>>>>>> Parkinson's in room four, and a brain boil in room two." No, you
>>>> fucking
>>>>>> don't. You have two PEOPLE in those rooms who have those conditions.
>>>>>> Grrrr.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Future blind. I like that. Live today for today. Deal with today
>>>> things,
>>>>>> and don't worry about tomorrow things. That's how dogs live, one
>> moment
>>>>>> to the next, and on the whole they seem to be pretty happy. Be happy
>>>>>> when you're happy, and be sad when you're sad. Don't worry about
>>>>>> tomorrow, just deal with it when it gets here. And if you think about
>>>>>> it, tomorrow never actually gets here. We go to sleep and when we wake
>>>>>> up, it's today again! Tomorrow is still a whole day away.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Anyway, I love you, too. Anytime you want to bitch at someone who
>> won't
>>>>>> judge, you know my email address.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Laura
>>>>>> wolfljsh at gmail.com
>>>>>>
>>>>>> On 2/3/2022 5:23:13 PM, "Monique Colve via TheBanyanTree"
>>>>>> <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Yesterday I stopped putting off the inevitable and called the EAP at
>>>> my
>>>>>> husband's employer. Two doctors, my neurologist and my GP, had asked
>> me
>>>>> to
>>>>>> start seeing a psychiatrist and/or a counselor, not because I'm a
>>>> raving
>>>>>> psychotic, but because they believe I will need help getting through
>> my
>>>>>> upcoming life phases, and neither of them wants me coming to them. Not
>>>>> that
>>>>>> I can blame them, their job is to keep my physical body in some sort
>> of
>>>>>> working order, not to listen to me whine.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Calling EAP is no big deal, but Parkinson's has given me the
>>>>>> predisposition to cry easily, and so I avoid it. There are triggers,
>>>> and
>>>>>> the last month has been difficult in more than one way. When Sam at
>> EAP
>>>>>> said I didn't have to tell him, but it would help if I did, I told him
>>>> I
>>>>>> have Parkinson's, and brain damage, and memory issues, and dementia is
>>>>>> considered likely with time. I had to stop work and my life is
>>>> changing.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> No big deal.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Sam asked what kind of support I had, did I have anyone to talk to
>>>> about
>>>>>> this? I told him no, only my husband, and Andrew and I have agreed
>> that
>>>>>> talking to him about more than the basic medical facts is not
>> conducive
>>>>> to
>>>>>> a healthy relationship. I'm enough of a challenge as is.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> I have no one to talk to. I really never have.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Parkinson's messes with the brain, even if one escapes the dementia
>>>> that
>>>>>> often accompanies it. If we're lucky, it's a long slow decline that
>> can
>>>>>> wipe away who we are, or were, and it comes with grieving. I'm already
>>>> on
>>>>>> the way to being no one.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Once I had a reputation in my field, small as it is. People knew me.
>>>>>> Sometimes I was known for being a smartass, sometimes for knowing many
>>>>>> things. On good days I can still be a smartass, but there are few
>>>> people
>>>>> to
>>>>>> talk to. Physical therapists have been, other than my husband, my most
>>>>> fun
>>>>>> conversations for the past month.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> People with Parkinson's support groups have not been helpful - I will
>>>>>> offer advice or support, but there's no back and forth, and the most
>>>>>> frequent advice includes prayer, which is not my belief system. It's
>>>> also
>>>>>> very conservative, which I am not.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> I've been future blind most of my life, which means I can only see
>>>>> today.
>>>>>> I can't see a future that is any different. There are reasons that are
>>>>> dark
>>>>>> and deep, probably best explored with a mental health counselor.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> I love my life, despite my inability to connect with people, even
>>>>> family,
>>>>>> though my brother and I have made huge strides that no one else would
>>>>>> notice. My life has changed a lot in the past few years, some of that
>>>>>> pandemic related, mostly me related. I don't want any more change - I
>>>>> used
>>>>>> to welcome change, now I fear it.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Monique
>>>>>>> Sent from my iPad
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Need to change your name, email address, or password? Or have you
>>>>>> forgotten your password? Go here:
>>>>>> http://lists.remsset.com/listinfo.cgi/thebanyantree-remsset.com
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
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>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> --
>>>>>
>>>>> ^v^
>>>>> ,/'^-,/'^v-^v ^v^
>>>>> v^\/ ^-,-^ ^,-v^
>>>>> ^v '-^ ^-, ^v
>>>>> v^v^ v^ v^ v ^v^
>>>>> { { \ \// } }
>>>>> } } |``| { {
>>>>> { { / / \ \ } } ________________( )_______
>>>>> ---
>>>>> ----
>>>>>
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>>>>
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>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> --
>>>
>>> ^v^
>>> ,/'^-,/'^v-^v ^v^
>>> v^\/ ^-,-^ ^,-v^
>>> ^v '-^ ^-, ^v
>>> v^v^ v^ v^ v ^v^
>>> { { \ \// } }
>>> } } |``| { {
>>> { { / / \ \ } } ________________( )_______
>>> ---
>>> ----
>>>
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