TheBanyanTree: Change

[Gloria]

Monique! Proud of you for taking such a difficult step and making that
call. I see it as a big deal! And I see the changes you're thinking about
and dare I say, fearing, as being a very big deal. They are big deals!

You're a big deal too, Monique. You touch many lives in so many positive
ways with your writing. I find it sad to hear you say you have no one to
talk to.  Sadly, when I'm out doing my part-time job, the property visits
for the tax assessor, I meet so many people that are anxious to talk to me,
to anyone really, but I'm the one that knocked on their door. I wonder if
it's always been this way. Those of us with health conditions that limit
our ability to be as we once were, suddenly finding ourselves behind closed
doors watching the world go by, seemingly faster and faster. Sometimes it's
simply age that keeps one out of sight, mostly content to take a slower
pace than is offered outside the door. A telephone is a handy tool. That's
how I talk to people. It helps to stay connected during these pandemic
times. None of that helps of course, if one feels they have no one to talk
to, to share how they're being robbed of their sense of self, their brain,
their life. I'm so sorry that living with PD is so difficult, and
understandably so! I feel honored that you share your life with us and
truly hope you continue for many more years.

I like what Laura said about tomorrow never arriving. Live for today, this
moment and the next, blind to the future that awaits. Thankfully, with
Andrew and Canute by your side, each moment is that much more lovely.

On Thu, Feb 3, 2022 at 5:23 PM Monique Colve via TheBanyanTree <
thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:

> Yesterday I stopped putting off the inevitable and called the EAP at my
> husband's employer. Two doctors, my neurologist and my GP, had asked me to
> start seeing a psychiatrist and/or a counselor, not because I'm a raving
> psychotic, but because they believe I will need help getting through my
> upcoming life phases, and neither of them wants me coming to them. Not that
> I can blame them, their job is to keep my physical body in some sort of
> working order, not to listen to me whine.
>
> Calling EAP is no big deal, but Parkinson's has given me the
> predisposition to cry easily, and so I avoid it. There are triggers, and
> the last month has been difficult in more than one way. When Sam at EAP
> said I didn't have to tell him, but it would help if I did, I told him I
> have Parkinson's, and brain damage, and memory issues, and dementia is
> considered likely with time. I had to stop work and my life is changing.
>
> No big deal.
>
> Sam asked what kind of support I had, did I have anyone to talk to about
> this? I told him no, only my husband, and Andrew and I have agreed that
> talking to him about more than the basic medical facts is not conducive to
> a healthy relationship. I'm enough of a challenge as is.
>
> I have no one to talk to. I really never have.
>
> Parkinson's messes with the brain, even if one escapes the dementia that
> often accompanies it. If we're lucky, it's a long slow decline that can
> wipe away who we are, or were, and it comes with grieving. I'm already on
> the way to being no one.
>
> Once I had a reputation in my field, small as it is. People knew me.
> Sometimes I was known for being a smartass, sometimes for knowing many
> things. On good days I can still be a smartass, but there are few people to
> talk to. Physical therapists have been, other than my husband, my most fun
> conversations for the past month.
>
> People with Parkinson's support groups have not been helpful - I will
> offer advice or support, but there's no back and forth, and the most
> frequent advice includes prayer, which is not my belief system. It's also
> very conservative, which I am not.
>
> I've been future blind most of my life, which means I can only see today.
> I can't see a future that is any different. There are reasons that are dark
> and deep, probably best explored with a mental health counselor.
>
> I love my life, despite my inability to connect with people, even family,
> though my brother and I have made huge strides that no one else would
> notice. My life has changed a lot in the past few years, some of that
> pandemic related, mostly me related. I don't want any more change - I used
> to welcome change, now I fear it.
>
>
> Monique
> Sent from my iPad
>
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