TheBanyanTree: Heartstone

[Pam James]

Wow.  So powerful....

I believe you are a jewel!

On Thu, Feb 3, 2022 at 8:49 AM Laura via TheBanyanTree <
thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com> wrote:

> From the moment I became self-aware, I knew there was a shining gem at
> my center. A great red jewel which contains my Self. My Mother spent her
> time with me teaching me how to polish it, and make it shine. My father,
> not so much. He seemed to take great pleasure in chipping away at it,
> creating cracks which over time, turned black. My Mother would cover the
> cracks, and try to polish away the rough surface, but sometimes it just
> wasn't enough.
>
> Life chipped away at it, too. The boys who picked me up in their work
> truck when I was 9, who stuffed their dirty hands down my shorts and
> pinched my nipples until I screamed and screamed, and then dumped me out
> onto the gravel on the side of the road like a bag of trash. That left a
> black mark.
>
> The man at the cocktail party I attended at my aunt's house when I was
> 12 (I felt SO grown up!) who asked me to dance, then spent the entire
> time groping my ass and rubbing his erection against my thigh. I
> couldn't scream then though, it wouldn't have been polite. Another black
> spot.
>
> The day I spent hours trying to do something to make my father happy, to
> get him to do something besides humiliate me, to notice me, to praise my
> efforts. He didn't notice, except to say what I'd done (he didn't know
> it was me who'd done it) looked terrible, that he would have to work
> extra hard to fix the damage. That was the day I finally had the
> epiphany. Nothing I ever did would be enough. He would never love me or
> praise me, because he didn't even like me. He didn't want me around. I
> was a thorn in his side, a pebble in his shoe. A bit of my hearstone
> sloughed off that day, along with some of the blackness, leaving my
> heart smaller, but less damaged. After that, I spent my time avoiding
> him as much as possible, not making eye contact, trying to do nothing
> around him for which he could mock me. I decided he no longer existed in
> my universe. Nothing he did or said would be allowed to affect me.
>
> About this same time, there was someone who decided that I was fair
> game, and every time they visited, he would sneak into my room in the
> pre-dawn hours and rape me. You can call it “molesting”, or whatever
> word you choose that's less brutal, but it's not. It's rape. This
> happened every time they visited us, and every time we visited them. I
> had no voice. Who would believe me anyway, a smart-alec girl? My word
> against his, and my word was worthless. The blackness was spreading.
>
> The boy, who after 3 years of dating and being the perfect boyfriend,
> suddenly decided that I wasn't to have a life of my own. I could sit
> around the house and wait for him to be available, or I could go have my
> life without him. I chose my life. This left a crack, a rough surface
> with blackness all around.
>
> The boy who proclaimed his love for me, said he'd call, but didn't. He
> showed up a few months later apologetic and claiming to be heartbroken
> about deserting me, 'oh please take me back', but the damage had been
> done. When he married another a few months later, I knew I'd made the
> right choice, even though the blackness in my heartstone grew a little
> more.
>
> The boy who praised me, wrote me songs, brought me flowers, and
> violently raped me in the front seat of his car, well... that one
> damaged me badly. All the shine went out. I was gone.
>
> Then I met a man. A man who showed me nothing but respect. He encouraged
> me. He supported me. He uplifted me. He helped my heart shine. He helped
> heal the blackness. He showed me ways to take control of my life, that I
> was enough, that I didn't need someone else to make my heartstone shine,
> I could make it shine all by myself, but also, that if you find the
> right someone, they can make it shine even more brightly.
>
> And then he broke me. He shattered me with one short, thoughtless
> sentence. “I'll never [do that], it's not worth the trouble.” Which
> translated directly to “YOU're not worth the trouble.” All the breath
> went out of my body. The universe I had built up around this man and
> myself shattered. My heartstone shattered. My whole life, my existence,
> lay on the hot pavement in shards, sparkling coldly in the midday sun.
> My soul shriveled into a blackened husk. And he never noticed.
>
> The next morning, after a long and mostly sleepless night, a new Self
> arose. The thing that shed the blackened husk is not beautiful. It is
> jet black, with flat, dull surfaces and rough, sharp edges. It is not
> shining. But it is hard. It is strong. It is unbreakable. It is immune
> to the hateful words and lies and manipulations of this world.
>
> I did finally meet someone who loves me with all his heart. He has never
> betrayed me. He is as constant as it comes. He adores me. I don't know
> why. I feel badly because he did not get the best me. He got the broken
> me, the me who can never give my whole heart, not because I don't want
> to, but because I can not. I have no heart to give. I have only this
> hardness at my center, this impermeable cold blackness. I can no more
> remove it than I can reclaim the shining red jewel. I don't understand
> how he can feel these strong feelings for me when I am so hard and
> sharp, but I can accept and embrace it.
>
> Laura
>
> wolfljsh at gmail.com
>
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