TheBanyanTree: Parkinson's, Day Unknown

[Monique Colver]

If I forgot to say thank you, thank you. If I forgot to say I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Parkinson's is hard for people. Not me, I'm sort of privileged and entitled anyway. But for some people. Today I read that someone wasn't sleeping so he might have to consider suicide. I'm sure there was more to it than that because that seems a bit extreme, but even so, it was chilling. I don't sleep well either, but I wouldn't kill myself over it. Someone else wanted to know how soon they would die if they stopped their meds. Oh, not for a very long time. Parkinson's doesn't kill, it just makes everything stop working right, and eventually one of those things will kill. Meds just help with the symptoms. 

Maybe I have it easier than some people because I was never that physically fit. Six years military, and a few in the reserves, but at one point I had to prove I was still fit enough to be there despite my odd lung situation. "It's okay," the doctor said when I convinced him that his test was stupid, "we just want to make sure you can run if we go to war." 

There was a possibility I'd be deployed when we did start having wars, but even then I'd only be there to help people with their Last Will and Testament, so not sure how dangerous that would be.

So I've had a life where I do a lot in my mind and not so much climbing mountains or skiing cross country or any of those things. On my off days I can function in my head, at least. There's always books, even if I can't remember the last chapter, or Netflix, or the damned Internet, even if I forgot what I was going to look up. A lot of people are used to being a lot more active, though even I get cabin fever when I haven't been able to do much all day.

I do not live in a cabin. 

And I hear a lot of people say that Parkinson's is the worst disease ever in the history of diseases. Maybe I'll say that when I'm in the final stages, but not now. Cancer will kill much faster and the treatment can make one wish for death, but with Parkinson's I can hope to have a long, if useless, life. Many diseases are faster and painful, and I can't imagine what it's like for anyone to have one. 

My point has gone somewhere, though I'm not sure where. Life is hard no matter who you are or what you have. Currently I have about ten bucks, so while I see a lot of people taking trips and talking about enjoying life while you can, my best hope is that my brother and his wife will come see me next month. He's known me probably longer than most anyone still living, and he's still willing to come see me, so that's a thing I'm very proud of.

Many days I don't see the point of me being here, I see the future as a long road of decay while my poor husband has to do everything while I dissolve into a puddle of goo. But I don't know that for sure. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, and it could be amazing, or not. And even if it's not amazing I have Andrew, and Ash, at least for now. Ash is 13, and while I think he'll live forever I thought that about Honey too and I was wrong. But for now, I have all I could want.

Except money. I do want a lot of money, but I've checked my insurance policies and the only way they'll give me money is if I die or have a Major Event, which sounds like more trouble than it's worth. And then I'd be even more useless, though richer.

And even if things were so bad I couldn't do it anymore I would still do it. Used to be I didn't know why, depression has a way of making things all muddled and hopeless, but I've thought about it a lot. Pain is not something that can be eliminated, it can only be transferred. Mind you, I haven't given this a lot of thought, but if I did suicide, I would be taking all my pain, the physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain, and I'd be wrapping it in pretty bundles of varying sizes, so much pain because it expands when we share it, putting bows on it, and handing them out like Christmas presents to everyone who loves me, and some who don't. Not me, I'm not sharing that shit with anyone. You've all got your own shit to deal with.

Love also expands when you share it. I'd rather do that.

If I forgot to say I love you, it's just because I forgot. 

I'm so weird. Believe me, I already know.

Monique
Sent from my iPad