TheBanyanTree: I am ashamed

[Pam James]

Love hearing from Toby, especially love her conclusion!!

As I grow older and more decrepit, I'm shedding shit - guilt and shame
included!!

Fuck shame.

On Sun, Feb 3, 2019 at 7:37 AM <tobie at shpilchas.net> wrote:

> later (or earlier, depending) than 3 am:
>
>
>
> So Monique sweetheart,
>
>         I’m still recovering from pneumonia, so I don’t have the stamina
> to write the hypergraphic essay I had in mind.  But I should say a few
> things if I can hold it together long enough.
>
>         If I’m up and reading what you wrote, I’m pretty sure there are
> others, so that shoots your theory to hell about few people seeing what you
> wrote.
>
>         Next up:  Those that are reading what you wrote are likely doing
> what I did, which is — counting my points of shame along with yours, trying
> not to weep for my own shames.  I see you.  And I raise you a thousand
> shames — all well earned.
>
>         And then again:  Admitting, confessing, sharing, swallowing,
> owning, humbling yourself with your shame had the unintended consequence of
> shining a light on your nobility and inestimable worth as a human being.
> Damn it!  If you keep this up, you’re in danger of being sainted.
>
>         Conclusion:  Fuck shame.
>
>         I love you.
>
> Tobie
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > On Feb 3, 2019, at 1:59 AM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>
> wrote:
> >
> > I write and send it into the wild and then I feel better - it's like
> spitting out poison. And I send it where I'm pretty certain very few people
> will see it. And it's almost 3 am.
> >
> >
> >
> > Monique
> > Sent from my iPad
> >
> >> On Feb 3, 2019, at 1:41 AM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>
> wrote:
> >>
> >> I am ashamed.
> >>
> >> Of everything.
> >>
> >> I made mistakes, and I'm paying for them now. In a land where mistakes
> just aren't made, and the world will not forgive, because it's about
> personal responsibility and making the best out of whatever you have and
> putting on a happy face and damn what other people say!
> >>
> >> This has nothing to do with politics, just me and myself and people, in
> general.
> >>
> >> Enough mistakes and the shame piles up, a big messy pile that later I
> can put away back in the recesses so I don't have to look at it, but right
> now it's a heavy weight.
> >>
> >> I have let down colleagues, family, friends, and society. I am not as
> smart as many people, and I can't make up for it with a pleasing facade or
> personality or charm or money or anything that people value. Except my
> husband. He thinks I'm funny.
> >>
> >> I'm too ashamed to talk to my ex-in-laws because their daughter doesn't
> like me and I think I still owe them money. Too ashamed to talk to
> colleagues because I'm not smart anymore and I can't keep up. And I make
> too many mistakes. I think it's from being pushed and stressed, but was
> that alwas an issue? I don't think so. Too ashamed to talk to friends
> because, as I've heard, we have nothing in common, and I'm conscious that
> they're doing me a favor. And family because I'm not like them and they
> don't understand me, or care to. And I see no reason why they should.
> Society? I can't even volunteer anymore. I have so few good days and I need
> to earn a living because I've made so many mistakes, one which allowed a
> man to live out his days without having to worry about a job, another which
> kept a mentally ill man housed and fed. And I never know which will be
> good, and which will not. Days, I mean, not men, because I finally got that
> one right. I hope for good days on Sundays, when I can spend them with my
> long-suffering husband.
> >>
> >> Social media is a curse. I have nothing to say of interest, and I can't
> keep up, and even if I could it's a waste of my time. On the other hand,
> taking a look lets me know I'm not entirely alone in the middle of the
> night, that other people exist, even if it does make me feel stupid. I'm
> alone sometimes, and Saturday night is the worst because my husband works
> all day, first at his job then at his second job, and doesn't get home
> until 3 am or so. Thursday nights he's gone too, but not as late usually.
> Unless business is good.
> >>
> >> I'm ashamed I have Parkinson's and brain damage and my career, whatever
> I had of it, is shit because my brain doesn't work as well anymore. I meant
> to type shot, but autocorrect likes shit. I mean, who doesn't?
> >>
> >> I try to remind myself of the good that I've done but anyone who has
> perhaps benefitted is dead now, and to most of society I'm a useless old
> woman, invisible. Most, I said.
> >>
> >> At Christmas I sent my nephews and my grand nieces/nephew money because
> I want to be the crazy aunt who sends a card at Christmas with cash, even
> if they don't remember me, and they send me thank you videos that make me
> cry because they're all so beautiful and they will never know how much I
> love them. Or me. They'll never know me, so yes, I cry for me. It's
> self-indulgent and self-pitying, and people really hate that.
> >>
> >> My empathy is shameful. There's too much of it and I don't know where
> to put it. There's no future in being a smartass, and that's really the
> only thing I'm good at anymore. I did make myself chorizo and eggs a couple
> of times last week, which is a handy skill if one possesses both chorizo
> and eggs.
> >>
> >> Next week I need to write a website for someone, because I got someone
> else who knows how to create it, and I just have to do content. That is
> reasonably a skill within my grasp still. Autocorrect wanted to use skull,
> which would be incorrect.
> >>
> >> My point has been lost somewhere, but I'm sure I had one. Everyone
> makes mistakes, some more than others, and all we can do with that is go on
> with our lives and hope it doesn't end badly. I persist because of those
> who still love me, those I love, because if I can be kind to someone one
> more day, it'll be worth it. I guess. Perhaps no one will notice, but I
> will, if I can remember it. It doesn't pay well, but it's all I have right
> now.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Monique
> >> Sent from my iPad
>
>
> "Many hands make light work."   Old proverb
>
> "Too many cooks spoil the broth."  Old proverb
>
> "Drops of water turn a mill; singly, none; singly none."
>           Lyrics included in the American Mineworkers Association
> constitution, 1863
>
> Tobie Shapiro
> mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net <mailto:tobie at shpilchas.net>
>
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