TheBanyanTree: I am ashamed

[Monique Colver]

I am ashamed.

Of everything.

I made mistakes, and I'm paying for them now. In a land where mistakes just aren't made, and the world will not forgive, because it's about personal responsibility and making the best out of whatever you have and putting on a happy face and damn what other people say!

This has nothing to do with politics, just me and myself and people, in general.

Enough mistakes and the shame piles up, a big messy pile that later I can put away back in the recesses so I don't have to look at it, but right now it's a heavy weight.

I have let down colleagues, family, friends, and society. I am not as smart as many people, and I can't make up for it with a pleasing facade or personality or charm or money or anything that people value. Except my husband. He thinks I'm funny. 

I'm too ashamed to talk to my ex-in-laws because their daughter doesn't like me and I think I still owe them money. Too ashamed to talk to colleagues because I'm not smart anymore and I can't keep up. And I make too many mistakes. I think it's from being pushed and stressed, but was that alwas an issue? I don't think so. Too ashamed to talk to friends because, as I've heard, we have nothing in common, and I'm conscious that they're doing me a favor. And family because I'm not like them and they don't understand me, or care to. And I see no reason why they should. Society? I can't even volunteer anymore. I have so few good days and I need to earn a living because I've made so many mistakes, one which allowed a man to live out his days without having to worry about a job, another which kept a mentally ill man housed and fed. And I never know which will be good, and which will not. Days, I mean, not men, because I finally got that one right. I hope for good days on Sundays, when I can spend them with my long-suffering husband. 

Social media is a curse. I have nothing to say of interest, and I can't keep up, and even if I could it's a waste of my time. On the other hand, taking a look lets me know I'm not entirely alone in the middle of the night, that other people exist, even if it does make me feel stupid. I'm alone sometimes, and Saturday night is the worst because my husband works all day, first at his job then at his second job, and doesn't get home until 3 am or so. Thursday nights he's gone too, but not as late usually. Unless business is good.

I'm ashamed I have Parkinson's and brain damage and my career, whatever I had of it, is shit because my brain doesn't work as well anymore. I meant to type shot, but autocorrect likes shit. I mean, who doesn't?

I try to remind myself of the good that I've done but anyone who has perhaps benefitted is dead now, and to most of society I'm a useless old woman, invisible. Most, I said.

At Christmas I sent my nephews and my grand nieces/nephew money because I want to be the crazy aunt who sends a card at Christmas with cash, even if they don't remember me, and they send me thank you videos that make me cry because they're all so beautiful and they will never know how much I love them. Or me. They'll never know me, so yes, I cry for me. It's self-indulgent and self-pitying, and people really hate that. 

My empathy is shameful. There's too much of it and I don't know where to put it. There's no future in being a smartass, and that's really the only thing I'm good at anymore. I did make myself chorizo and eggs a couple of times last week, which is a handy skill if one possesses both chorizo and eggs. 

Next week I need to write a website for someone, because I got someone else who knows how to create it, and I just have to do content. That is reasonably a skill within my grasp still. Autocorrect wanted to use skull, which would be incorrect.

My point has been lost somewhere, but I'm sure I had one. Everyone makes mistakes, some more than others, and all we can do with that is go on with our lives and hope it doesn't end badly. I persist because of those who still love me, those I love, because if I can be kind to someone one more day, it'll be worth it. I guess. Perhaps no one will notice, but I will, if I can remember it. It doesn't pay well, but it's all I have right now. 



Monique
Sent from my iPad