TheBanyanTree: Starting Over

[Jeri Xiques]

Neeky, I think you fit right in here just beautifully!!!  And we love you
exactly like you are!  ❤



On Sun, Nov 29, 2015 at 6:26 PM, Barb Edlen <mountainwhisper at att.net> wrote:

> You fit in where it's most important, and that's the best part.
>
> ✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･.｡.:*
>
> > On Nov 29, 2015, at 6:26 PM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>
> wrote:
> >
> > I apologize for the repeat posts. I'll try to stop after this.
> >
> > There was a time when I moved a lot. Every few years, I'd be packing up
> and
> > moving out, whether I wanted to or not. I followed my first husband from
> > base to base, as he looked for a place where he would be happy, but he
> > never found it. (He never found it because everywhere he went, there he
> > was.) I protested the last move, I wanted to stay where I was. It had
> only
> > been three years or so, though it seems like more. After twenty years of
> > this it gets to be a habit, and every few years I start getting itchy.
> But
> > I don't want to move, I like where I am, and no way do I want to pack up
> > again. The last move I made was horrendous -- we were both sick, and on
> the
> > drive down one of the dogs got sick all over my car, and the memory of it
> > is all too fresh still, like the smell of shit after you've stepped right
> > in it.
> >
> > But sometimes I want to wipe the slate clean of people and start all over
> > again. Not you, of course, but other people. Not my husband, of course,
> and
> > not my dog, who is fairly certain he's a person. But everyone else. I
> keep
> > thinking I might get it right next time.
> >
> > Here's the thing about me that most people don't know: I'm boring. I'm
> not
> > saying this is a bad thing -- it's not as if I'm a serial killer or
> > anything. I'm a bit of a narcissist, also not necessarily a bad thing,
> and
> > I don't like asking personal questions, so people think I don't care and
> am
> > therefore boring.
> >
> > I don't have any interesting hobbies, unless you count writing incessant
> > pieces of trivia, or watching movies, or scheduling doctor appointments.
> I
> > am otherwise a swell person, but with those traits on display people
> don't
> > exactly find me interesting. (I am happy to listen to people talk about
> > themselves, but I'm not going to ask personal questions because that's
> > rude.)
> >
> > Recently I ended my membership in a local women's group because after
> > almost a year of going to monthly meetings, women that I'd met repeatedly
> > would walk by me without even seeing me if we ran into each other around
> > town. Who needs that? But this is what I'm up against.
> >
> > I once tried to erase myself from my family by surreptitiously removing
> all
> > the photos of me or with me from the family home when I was visiting. It
> > was fairly successful, and when my youngest brother got married they
> > couldn't find any pictures of me to put on their slideshow. Since I
> hadn't
> > successfully erased myself I was at that wedding, and as I watched the
> > slideshow I felt my separateness strongly, and I had to go off to the
> > restroom to cry. But that was then.
> >
> > This is now.
> >
> > Whenever I moved I managed to, after a short time, stop contact with
> > friends I'd made at the previous location. I was always starting over,
> > which is a fine thing to do if one doesn't feel like one has started
> > properly. I believe in do-overs.
> >
> > Many of the people I know now are in the same line of work I am, and all
> > they want to do is talk about accounting, as if that's a thing, or
> > business, or conferences, and while all of that is fascinating, it's not.
> > Not to me. One would think I would fit in there, but no, because I don't
> > want to live and breathe accounting.
> >
> > I know you've heard this before, my inability to get along in the world.
> > It's not as if I have much time for that, what with my mystery ailments,
> > I'm usually exhausted, or working, or working exhausted. But over long
> > weekends I find myself again on FB, talking to other accounting people,
> > because on weekends is when I notice the lack of people. Not that I have
> a
> > lack of people -- we had my cousin over for Thanksgiving, and I always
> have
> > the most interesting husband around, but by Sunday I'm wondering who I
> can
> > chat with about the movie I saw today, or a book I'm (trying) to read.
> > (Short attention span.) And that's when I think I should start all over
> > again.
> >
> > But there's so much I don't want to start over -- like my entire life.
> It's
> > right where it should be. It's nice here. I have a steady job, due in no
> > small part to being self-employed, and I get to take time off when I
> want.
> > I have a great husband. I don't want to be anywhere else.
> >
> > And I don't much care if I'm hard to warm up to, or if I'm easy to
> forget.
> > This is, in fact, a handy trait. There are times when one wants to travel
> > invisibly in the world, and at my age, it's pretty easy to do so. Every
> so
> > often I'll pop up somewhere and people will say, "Hey,when did you get
> > here?"
> >
> > "I've been here all along," I'll say, "I was just blending in."
> >
> > I'm not sure if this is so much about starting over as it is about
> learning
> > to exist within the world I'm in. It used to be hard because I was
> certain
> > I didn't fit in, but these days, I know where I fit in, right here where
> > I'm at, and that's enough for me now.
>