TheBanyanTree: Still Recovering

[Monique Colver]

Thank you Jim. You're awesome.




*We appreciate your referrals!*

Monique Colver
Colver Business Solutions
www.colverbusinesssolutions.com
monique.colver at gmail.com
(425) 772-6218

On Tue, Oct 14, 2014 at 1:37 PM, Jim Miller <jim at maze.cc> wrote:

> YOU ARE WANTED!!
>
> You are wanted; not for being wonderful, not for what you look like, not
> for what you do for me.
>
> You are wanted because . . . . .  YOU ARE YOU . . . . . PERIOD.
>
> On Tue, Oct 14, 2014 at 9:53 AM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
> > Man, depression sucks. Majorly sucks. I’ve had my setbacks, and I’ve had
> my
> > moments of pure joy, and I’ve cried at the aloneness of it all, and I’ve
> > cried with happiness because of everything I do have.
> >
> > And while I’ve made great progress this these past few months I still
> have
> > those pesky issues cropping up now and then, bad songs in my head that
> spin
> > around, like I’m circling the drain on my way to nowhere.
> >
> > Sometimes I feel disconnected, from people mostly, from a rich social
> life.
> > I would say I’ve forgotten how to interact with people, but it’s not
> like I
> > ever really knew. It’s not as if I have superior social skills that cause
> > others to seek me out. I have adequate social skills, but I’m not
> > charismatic, I’m not a leader, I’m not wanted.
> >
> > That last word just snuck in there when I wasn’t looking, like the
> > suspicious character hanging around the entrance who waits for someone
> who
> > isn’t paying attention to leave the door ajar when they enter. He grabs
> the
> > door handle before the door whooshes shut, and he creeps inside, where he
> > can take whatever he wants, break whatever he wants.
> >
> > The past being what it is, gone, I like to stay away from it, but in my
> > treatment I’ve had to face some of the things from my past that I tried
> to
> > hide away in the dark corners of my memory, corners that I don’t want to
> go
> > into, areas of concentrated pain. These are the things that I need to let
> > go of, because even though I put them away, they’re still trying to get
> out
> > and hurt me. Pain is like that. There isn’t anyone who is familiar with
> my
> > past who can or will either confirm nor deny what happened, so it’s
> pretty
> > much up to me to and my admittedly inferior memory to recall and dispense
> > with them.
> >
> > Or, they will confirm parts of what happened, but then they laugh so much
> > because, to them, it was funny, it was all a good joke played on me. They
> > mostly have nothing to do with me anymore though. They want nothing to do
> > with me, my family of origin, because we have nothing in common, because
> > I’m too far away, because I’m nothing to them.
> >
> > I have my friends and my family of choice, and they love me despite who I
> > am. Mostly.
> >
> > It’s been a battle this year, an epic battle, similar to the battles many
> > people face every day. I know there is nothing unique about me, or my
> > battles, I am just like so many others struggling to come to terms with
> who
> > we are and how we got here. Trying to make sense of it.
> >
> > I’m so tired of talking about myself, but at the moment it’s all I have.
> > I’m mostly happy these days, mostly on top of things, mostly looking at a
> > future instead of a past. But. Still.
> >
> > When I shattered earlier this year, like a piece of fragile glass
> toppling
> > off a high shelf, I went looking for glue to put things back together.
> But
> > when I tried to put the pieces back together, I found that some of them
> > didn’t fit. I can’t get all the pieces back like they were before, and
> > that’s probably a good thing because I was carrying around too much
> > self-loathing, too much regret. It’s better that I throw some pieces out
> > and remake something new, something I couldn’t have imagined before.
> >
> > And that’s where I’m at, and what I’m trying to do. Make something new
> that
> > I couldn’t imagine before. It just takes time.
> >
>