TheBanyanTree: Understanding Suicide

[Laura Hicks]

On Wed, May 7, 2014 at 11:25 PM, Gail Richards <mrsfes at gmail.com> wrote:

> I oh so totally agree with Pam, and I want oh so badly to do something to
> "fix" everything for you, Monique, but I don't have a clue what to say or
> what to do to accomplish that feat so I'll just sit here and hold your
> hand.  Or not if you think I shouldn't.  I love you very much.
>

Yep. What she said. I'm a "fixer" too, but I wouldn't even know where to
start!

I've never been depressed, that I know of. I've never explored the depths
of that abyss, though I do, every so often, go to the edge and peer down
into the darkness. When it happens, it starts with a little motivation
problem. I just can't see the point of doing all those stupid, day-to-day
things, every one of which you just have to do again tomorrow. Then the
motivation problem turns into apathy. I honestly don't care if those things
get done or not. Then I dive a little deeper into detachment. I am so
detached from things I feel as though I'm not even part of this world. I
don't ever think that others would be better off without me (because I AM
the center of the universe), but I frequently wish everyone would just
disappear and leave me alone with myself, because caring about all those
people and animals and other things I'm supposed to care about is just Too
Damn Much Trouble. I just want to sit in one spot and become inert. No
feelings. No pain. No pleasure. No pressure to be this or that. Inert.

Fortunately for me, I have always found myself coming out the other side of
the weird, lethargic, apathy tunnel with no help from anyone, including
myself. I look back and wonder, "What the hell was THAT?" Then I can't
imagine being so sluggish, and sitting still for that long.

I've never had someone be able to fix it for me. I wouldn't even know how
to start to tell you how to. I think the critters help. Even when I can't
see the point of cleaning up, the animals need me to care for them. They
can't do it themselves, the way my human housemates can (but frequently
won't). So they keep me grounded, keep me getting up even when I don't want
to. Ash seems to grok this instinctively. Ash is probably smarter about
this than all of us. :)

At the moment, I'm doing well. I'm running lights for the homeschool
group's spring musical, I'm working in the yard (not too awful much,
because of allergies, but enough to enjoy the warmth and sunshine), and
doing it all with only the basic required minimum of grumps and groans from
assorted body parts. :)

Laura
wolfljsh at gmail.com