TheBanyanTree: there is no subject

[Woofie]

I was gonna get one for you and me Sal, but alas I forgot I was at
work and can't go on FBBoth Pingles and Pammie deserve lots of Like
buttons :) 

----- Original Message -----
From: "A comfortable place to meet other people and exchange your own
*original* writings." 
To:"A comfortable place to meet other people and exchange your own
*original* writings." 
Cc:
Sent:Mon, 31 Mar 2014 09:05:46 +1100
Subject:Re: TheBanyanTree: there is no subject

 Where's the like button?

 Sal 

 Sent from my iPad 

 > On 31 Mar 2014, at 6:10, Mike Pingleton  wrote:
 > 
 > Pam, you're like the sun, and all its little moons and planets are
like
 > your family, captured in orbit around you.
 > 
 > Love and cake are the binding forces.
 > 
 > -Mike
 > 
 > 
 > 
 >> On Sun, Mar 30, 2014 at 12:14 PM, Pam Lawley  wrote:
 >> 
 >> Disclaimer: I don't really remember what my main point was when I
started
 >> typing this hours ago! I've had a few stops and starts and I think
I've
 >> wandered over several subjects. Maybe I was just writing to
write.... So
 >> before you get started reading, just know that I have no story
here, no
 >> clear path. I'd just delete the whole thing, but that seems like a
big
 >> waste. So - you've been forewarned!!
 >> 
 >> --------------------------
 >> I joke about collecting ex-husbands. It's probably not that
funny..
 >> 
 >> Where to start, where to start???
 >> 
 >> Almost two years ago I got a new co-worker, and I pretty much fell
in love
 >> immediately! She was 34'ish, happily married and step-mom to a
teenaged
 >> girl, with a four year old boy and another on the way! Babies!!!
 >> 
 >> Before she left on maternity leave I had our team throw her a baby
shower,
 >> and I kept it really simple! I collected money from everybody,
bought and
 >> wrapped gifts, and brought in cupcakes! We all gathered at lunch
and
 >> watched her open those gifts, ate a cupcake, and went back to
work! Super
 >> simple - but effective!
 >> 
 >> We kept in contact while she was out, met for lunch so I could see
her new
 >> baby, and as friendships do, just grew closer as time went on. And
she
 >> taught me all about Brandon, baby Oliver's big brother.
 >> 
 >> Brandon was born with lissencephaly which is a brain disorder with
varying
 >> degrees of debilitation.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lissencephaly) He
 >> doesn't walk or talk, and also suffers from cerebral palsy. I
thought it
 >> was horrible that he was born with two diseases, but only learned
recently
 >> that the CP is a result of the first!
 >> 
 >> Anyway, I am pretty ignorant about disabled'ness. Shortly before
meeting B
 >> I'd made cupcakes for a wedding which was in the couple's backyard
of their
 >> home. In that home was the bride's young daughter - totally
 >> uncommunicative and in a wheelchair. I had NO idea how to - or if
I
 >> should! - interact with the young girl! If I talk and say 'hello'
and she
 >> doesn't respond, well... The family talked to her but I was just
SO
 >> uncomfortable and unsure!! I made sure to not get too close so I
wouldn't
 >> have to - yeah, I pretty much just ignored her. I'm not proud of
that, but
 >> there you have it!
 >> 
 >> Consequently,I started asking Leanne questions so I wouldn't be so
ignorant
 >> anymore!! I asked a LOT of questions!! And I've spent a lot of
time with
 >> him. I have a long way to go, but I don't feel quite so inadequate
 >> anymore.
 >> 
 >> Because of Leanne and B my little world has expanded, and that's
why last
 >> night I completed my second 'Great Glow Run' - a 5K sponsored by
the Easter
 >> Seals organization. No, don't get excited, I didn't actually
"run", I
 >> walked! My daughter and I both went last year with my Great Dane
Annie,
 >> but this year my daughter was sick so it was just me and Annie.
 >> 
 >> ("5K" sounds so accomplished to me!! "3 miles" sounds so much
easier!)
 >> 
 >> Because we'd participated last year, this year was just a
no-brainer and we
 >> signed right up.
 >> 
 >> And I forgot about Alyssa.
 >> 
 >> This is where the ex-husbands part comes in... sort of
 >> 
 >> I married my children's father because ... well, I was 26 and
thinking that
 >> nobody would ever want to marry he - and he apparently did!! I had
a
 >> mental check list going and he got a tic mark in every box! True
love!!
 >> It was not a match made in heaven and it managed to last about
five years.
 >> I was relieved to see him go.
 >> 
 >> T
 >> About five years later I married again. He was almost 13 years
younger
 >> than me and we 'dated' for five weeks... I know, I know! NOW it
sounds
 >> crazy, but I was "madly and passionately" in love then... THAT
marriage
 >> only lasted for about five years as well, but for totally
different reasons
 >> - and I was NOT happy to see him go. In fact, I was pretty
devastated and
 >> it was the darkest time of my life.
 >> 
 >> It was ugly and messy and we didn't speak for a long time. And
then we
 >> did. By then he'd remarried and had a little baby girl. We made
our peace
 >> and were comfortable... he was back in my kids' lives again (he
loved my
 >> kids immediately and that was a HUGE part of my attraction to him
I
 >> think!). We spent time together as one big family, I spent time
with and
 >> considered his wife a friend, and we all spent a Christmas
together with
 >> his dad who was visiting from California.
 >> 
 >> And then she took her baby and ran off to Texas! That's all a very
long
 >> story, but to sum it up, HE was now the one devastated and living
through
 >> pretty much what I had lived through when he left me and I found
no joy in
 >> that whatsoever. He saw the irony in that too, and apologized
again.
 >> 
 >> I came to a place where I recognized that he was not the man I
married, and
 >> in fact, was not even the man I had divorced. I'm sure I wasn't
the same
 >> either! While I knew that we could never be together, didn't even
harbor
 >> any secret daydreams about it - I thought he was just a very sad
man -
 >> there was still a connection there between us. We both knew that
we an
 >> ally in life, and the other was only a phone call away.
 >> 
 >> A couple of years went by and I remarried while he worked the
legal system
 >> trying to find and get his daughter back, and then he remarried
and had a
 >> new baby boy.
 >> 
 >> My kids would spent holidays juggling between me, their dad, and
Todd. My
 >> son worked with him at a local bar Todd was the head of security,
and my
 >> son was a bouncer. We saw each other occasionally, but I only ever
saw his
 >> wife a couple of times in passing. He and I were friends on
Facebook and I
 >> was able to oogle pictures of his adorably pretty baby boy, but I
was
 >> always a little careful and reserved, making sure that his new
young wife
 >> wasn't put out by this ex she didn't know commenting in any way
 >> inappropriately. According to the kids, she was kind of
'stand-offish' and
 >> they didn't think she was especially friendly.
 >> 
 >> If we ran into each other we chatted away, and in fact, when his
wife was
 >> having a birthday he told my son he wanted him to make a cake! My
son came
 >> home and told me, "Todd told me he wants me to make a cake for
Alyssa's
 >> birthday so you have to make one.". LOVE my son, and because
baking cakes
 >> is what I do, I happily made this one! It took a few weeks to get
my cake
 >> taker back, but Todd personally brought it to the house and
thanked me
 >> profusely telling me how thoughtful and kind I was.
 >> 
 >> There stood my second ex: a man who'd once had half a dozen
tattoos
 >> (including one of my name in cursive on his left arm which he'd
had a
 >> single line tattooed through after we divorced!) now had dozens
tattooed on
 >> both arms and both legs (including now, both of my children's
names), both
 >> of his kids' names, a motorcycle engine, a big "N" with an arrow
up which
 >> was kind of his 'logo', and all kinds of crazy stuff that I was
always
 >> curious to look at!; his hair shaved to just a short mohawk -
again! - and
 >> his face shaved of its recent beard... a not-so-tall but huge bear
of a man
 >> who was nothing more than a teddy with a violent streak hiding
right
 >> beneath.... We had both changed so much but still my heart did a
little
 >> flip to see him.
 >> 
 >> And that was the last time I saw him. Within a couple of weeks he
was
 >> dead. He died a hero's death in this little town, when a
disgruntled
 >> eighteen year old who'd been tossed from the bar got pissed, went
home, and
 >> came back with a gun and started shooting up the place! Todd, the
most
 >> conservative Republican, defender of the 2nd Amendment and
card-carrying
 >> NRA member for life that I ever knew! I've thought often of the
irony in
 >> THAT too! (*http://tinyurl.com/o5odrgf )*
 >> 
 >> My daughter came to tell me and we went immediately to go see
Alyssa, his
 >> wife.
 >> 
 >> Because Todd had tried an 'older chick' and that didn't work, he
was now
 >> married to a younger chick and she was my daughter's age! Within a
couple
 >> of years she'd gone from single to married, a mom and widowed. The
mom in
 >> me just went into overdrive.
 >> 
 >> Over the next months I kept in contact. I texted often asking if
there was
 >> anything I could do. In fact I TOLD her, I am going to stalk you
until
 >> there IS something I can do! When something bad happens folks tend
to come
 >> from everywhere offering assistance, but then time passes, life
goes on,
 >> and the offers stop. I didn't want that to happen!
 >> 
 >> And so, over the last eleven months, we've all become our own
little
 >> dysfunctional family! Alyssa got out of the Corps the next month
(that was
 >> planned) and stayed here because she had no desire to move back
home to
 >> Minnesota. We've spent holidays and birthdays together, (they came
to
 >> Thanksgiving dinner and then my current husband watched little Asa
while we
 >> went Black Friday shopping!),
 >> and a few weeks ago, when her birthday rolled around again, I made
another
 >> cake for her.... it just seemed to me, to represent coming full
circle.
 >> 
 >> Which was why I was disappointed in myself when Alyssa saw the
link for the
 >> Glow Run on Facebook and said she wanted to go, and I realized
that I
 >> hadn't thought to include her to begin with! (And you thought all
this
 >> rambling had no good point!)
 >> 
 >> So we got her registered and last night, after some confusion
about the
 >> weather and believing it was going to be a no-go, we all met and
picked up
 >> our packets! Leanne and her husband and all three of their kids,
her dad
 >> and step-mom who were visiting, another couple who they were best
friends
 >> with, me and Annie, and Alyssa and Asa! We were glowed up and
ready to
 >> walk!
 >> 
 >> We let the real runners, and then walkers, get out of the way, and
then we
 >> with strollers, a wheelchair and a dog, took off!
 >> 
 >> The 3.1 mile trek started at the park on the waterfront in
downtown New
 >> Bern (it's an historic city, and actually the first capitol of
North
 >> Carolina!), and wove through old neighborhoods with
antebellum-type homes,
 >> newer condos on the water, more down-trodden neighborhoods, around
a very
 >> old cemetery, and back to the park.
 >> 
 >> We didn't all stay strictly together... we'd come upon congestion
and go
 >> around, get separated, meet up, cause congestion for others,
etc... Along
 >> the way, in all the neighborhoods, we'd encounter folks sitting
out on
 >> their porches waving and calling out, cheering us on! And then we
passed
 >> big ole house and heard somebody call out, "... and there goes Pam
 >> North!..".
 >> 
 >> It was closer to dark than light - this WAS a "glow" run after
all! - and I
 >> couldn't see who'd yelled out, but I cringed a little inside for
Alyssa to
 >> hear that! But she laughed it off and said 'hey!, I'm the North
here!',
 >> and we kept on going, trying to remember which house it was so I
could see
 >> who I knew from years back!
 >> 
 >> Coming back we left the road and got on the sidewalk so we'd be
closer to
 >> the house, and it turns out that it was a guy who had actually
been the
 >> Maintenance Officer of the squadron that Todd and I had met and
married in!
 >> 
 >> He saw us coming back and was already apologizing for calling me
'North' -
 >> he knew I wasn't that anymore! I made the same joke I always do
about
 >> having a LOT of last names to choose from, and then I introduced
him to the
 >> current Mrs. North and Asa, and we walked on. And yes, I saw irony
in that
 >> too!!
 >> 
 >> It's been a crazy year... When I made that cake a year ago I hoped
that
 >> she wouldn't find out that *I* had actually made it, and be upset
in any
 >> way. After Todd died and people started spreading out, I made it a
point
 >> to have lunch with her a few times a month to keep in contact and
check on
 >> her. When she moved we were there to help. We chat often by text
and
 >> Facebook even if we don't see other. I think she's very friendly
and I
 >> like having her and Ace around.
 >> 
 >> But I wasn't ever sure what was going through her head about me. I
know
 >> that Todd never spoke ill of me. In fact, as I've heard often, he
spoke
 >> very highly of me and the good person I he thought I was. But
still. I
 >> *was* (am!) an ex!!
 >> 
 >> And then a few weeks ago they came to dinner and she brought me a
gift.
 >> She's very self-sufficient and crafty, and she and Asa had made a
 >> 'butterfly' picture using his footprints! FOR ME!
 >> 
 >> I never knew if she was just tolerating this chick because, or
what. But
 >> it would seem that in the horribleness that has been these last
eleven
 >> months, a friendship has been born! That makes me very happy and I
like to
 >> think if Todd had been able to plan, he would have planned it like
this.
 >> 
 >> Three days after Todd's death my son was sworn in at a local
police
 >> department. It would have been a moment of pride for Todd had he
been
 >> alive, but at the celebration that day were half a dozen of his
closest
 >> friends, supporting his son in his place.
 >> 
 >> Meanwhile, my daughter, now 25 herself, has told me a few time
while
 >> watching her friends lives, that she doesn't remember a single
time that
 >> she ever saw her dad and I fight over anything having to do with
the kids.
 >> We didn't fight over holidays, vacations, visitation. Through the
years
 >> we've managed to remain mostly friendly, and I even fixed him up
with his
 >> current wife! ha!
 >> 
 >> So I've managed to collect a couple of exes in this life where I
never
 >> planned to marry so many times, but it hasn't turned out too
badly.
 >> 
 >> Pam
 >>