TheBanyanTree: Depression Thoughts

[David]

I'm so glad to hear from survivors. And Monique you are right about 
folks not equipped to handle their lives. I'm so grateful for my support 
system and a great therapist. Good therapy is very hard to come by. It 
took me awhile to find one and she is an intricate part of my wellness, 
just as much as meds.

Thanks for sharing you guys.

Dave

On 3/29/2014 4:42 AM, Indiglow wrote:
> Monique,
>    I so sympathize and empathize what you say here, as if you are fighting my battle.  You are beautiful, wonderful, love-filled, and you make a huge difference in the world!  Sometimes when I read what you write I feel like you've put hinges on the top of my head and climbed inside to access my mind!
>    When and where can we meet and connect?  If you are at Portland City Grill, we are not far separated geographically.  I am in Woodburn - about 23 miles away from downtown Portland.  (The great and frightening "big city" where I seldom venture except for very good reason.) But, I would love to meet and talk and share.  I so understand, in some part and in my own way, your journey of depression and fear.
>    Hooray for us!  We are both survivors!
> Love, hugs, prayers, peace,
> Jana
>   
>
> ________________________________
>   From: Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>
> To: Banyan Tree <thebanyantree at lists.remsset.com>
> Sent: Saturday, February 15, 2014 11:02 AM
> Subject: TheBanyanTree: Depression Thoughts
>    
>
> You know you're coming out of a major depressive episode (instead of a
> minor one) when you get up in the morning and instead of wanting to be dead
> you instead get up, start the laundry, do the dishes, then sit down to do
> some work.
>
> And by you, of course I mean me, because I'm not sure how anyone else feels
> about it.
>
> If you haven't experienced major depression, you don't get it, how life can
> be such an uphill battle. I have friends who have never experienced this,
> and I have friends who have, and all of them together help me get better,
> because they don't need to experience utter despair to know that utter
> despair sucks.
>
> And meds. Every few years my meds will stop working, kablooey, complete and
> total shut down. I may not notice it at first, the darkness may not show up
> suddenly. It might creep up on me, bit by bit, so sneakily that I don't
> even notice that I felt better last week. That happened this time. Could
> have been coming up with the months of pain I had before surgery, could
> have been exacerbated by anesthesia, by surgery, by anything at all. No one
> knows. But it stopped. I thought it was post-surgery effects, maybe
> painkillers, I didn't know, and then I did, because I didn't want to be
> alive anymore, and when that happens I'm pretty sure my meds aren't
> working. I may not be the smartest person I know, but I can figure that
> much out.
>
> Every so often I visit a FB page for people with depression. I look at the
> posts, and I comment, and I try to be supportive. Many of them are
> unequipped for the lives they lead, many of them are searching for a way
> out, and many of them aren't asking themselves the right questions. It's
> heartbreaking, the young girls who post that their boyfriends abuse them
> verbally, or physically, and tell them they're worthless, and they hate
> themselves, and why doesn't anyone love them? Why doesn't anyone care? "I'm
> ugly," one will say, "No one will ever love me," and the picture is of a
> perfectly fine looking girl, and so everyone tells them that's not true,
> that the depression is telling them that. The older man who posts that his
> wife left him, that everyone leaves him, and so everyone tells him that he
> just hasn't met the right person yet. The younger people who think they'll
> never find love because they're not good enough, the people who say no one
> cares, that their family doesn't care and treats them badly.
>
> What I want to tell them is that 1) it's not all about them, 2) if people
> are abusive, you need to leave, 3) if your family is not supportive, you
> need to leave, 4) if you have no one who cares about you, try to care about
> someone else first. I want to tell them that of course it's hard, few
> things come to us by magic. But I can't say those things because that's not
> being supportive, is it? I don't know anyone there well enough to be
> brutally honest with them, which is that yes, sometimes life sucks, and
> yes, it's hard, and, yes, sometimes family won't care, and friends that
> treat you badly aren't friends at all (it surprises me how many people do
> not know this), but that they have to be the one to make changes.
>
> Last week someone posted that they needed inpatient care. I asked if they'd
> been to a doctor yet, and she said no. I said she needed to see a doctor
> and get a diagnosis first of all. Someone else told her that inpatient
> would be very helpful because it helped them. After several rounds of this
> it turned out the original poster didn't have insurance, didn't know what
> was really wrong with her, but thought she could just commit herself to
> inpatient care and all her problems would be solved.
>
> Like I said, a lot of them are unequipped to deal with life. They lack the
> knowledge, the education, the means, to move themselves out of their
> situations. They lack the ability to see past their illness. They lack the
> ability to see others as perhaps in even more need than they are.
>
> Not that a change in situation will make everything all better, but it
> helps. I'm in the best possible situation, with a family and friends that
> are there for me, a vast support network of loved ones, a great husband, a
> cuddly dog, a good place to live, and plenty of work to keep me out of
> trouble and for which people will happily pay me. No one is ever even mean
> to me, except the occasional unknown person who comes and goes so quickly
> it's as if they were never there. Sometimes I find that hard to believe
> myself: no one is ever mean to me - how awesome is that? There couldn't be
> any better situation. When I'm well, I know that I have everything. When
> I'm not well, I still know I have much to be thankful for, but I can't see
> it clearly, and the pain overwhelms me.
>
> I'm getting better now. It's one day at a time, one step at a time. That's
> how most worthwhile things are accomplished.
>
> M