TheBanyanTree: Restrictions of a King Size Bed

[Woof]

So, you have purchased a king size bed because you are being squished 
out of space by your kitties and canines, that even turning over is 
impossible...
Stop right here!
If you only own one canine and it is not part of your family, but 
relegated to living outside on its own, then a pox on you! Canines are 
pack animals and need to live with their pack. if  the other members are 
just one dawg or a number of dawgs such as working dawgs on a farm, then 
that is OK for them to live outside.
However, many of us only have one canine and so said canine lives inside 
with us - the other members of the canine's pack.
This is where the problem starts..
Said canine needs to sleep close to other pack members. This is OK if 
said canine is small. It is not OK when said canine is large.
Said canine does not fit on a regular bed... or rather human members of 
said canine's pack do not fit on bed with said canine and end up 
squished out of bed with no blankets or bed covers, because said canine 
is lying on them.
The solution, you think, is to buy a larger bed.
You do and you think all your bed space problems have been solved...

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Said canine finds she can stretch out more on new bed and sleep sideways 
instead of vertically.
Family kitties decide they can sleep on new bed and not be annoyed by 
said canine, due to extra space.
Said canine decides she can deposit all her toys on new bed each night 
cuz there is plenty of free space.
Every time you try to shift position in the confined space, one or more 
bloody toys squeaks (those are the toys that said canine has not managed 
to eviscerate and kill the squeaker of ;))

And the results?
You end up on the floor with no bed clothes and it is bloody freezing 
cuz it is winter.
That is OK because you are comatose. You are comatose because said dog 
has eaten something she should not have and in so doing has created a 
new lethal knock out gas, which rivals Sarin gas for efficacy.
Inhaling this gas has caused you to go cross-eyed and lose consciousness.
You wake up in the morning on the floor on your bedroom, all twisted up 
and resembling the Hunchback of Notredamwotsit.
You consider making a trip to your doc to get ironed out, but you change 
your mind because:
A. You would have to line up in a queue outside his surgery and use 
illegal weaponry to remove the regular daily, professional doc-queue  
idjits in the queue in front of you.
B. He would never believe the reason for your twisted, hunched anatomy 
and end up laughing his head off!
BAH!!
Woof <-- My kingdom for a critter-free, spouse-free (they keep you awake 
with their bloody snoring!) king size bed :)

/*"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie -- 30/4/02*/

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