TheBanyanTree: A Biometric Screening

[Sally Larwood]

You crack me up too!  

Sal 

Sent from my iPad 

> On 4 Dec 2013, at 9:04, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> In an effort to save money on our employer sponsored health insurance, we
> agreed to do a biometric screening. It's bad enough that every time my
> doctor wants to try to find out why I'm in pain it takes me months to pay
> off all the accompanying bills, so we try to do what we can to reduce that.
> For one thing, I don't go to the doctor for my easily. If I break
> something, oh well, too bad.
> 
> We were going to do it a few days ago. They'd sent us a packet with
> instructions, and we'd kept putting it off.
> 
> Then we noticed it had to be a fasting sort of thing, and we'd just eaten.
> 
> We were going to try again Monday morning, before I had a chance to eat.
> 
> Monday morning I overslept, and because I've taken to sleeping in
> increments, so it takes me longer to get through a full night. And I had to
> be somewhere in 15 minutes, so we rescheduled for today.
> 
> Today I overslept because of the sleeping thing, and Andrew had to be at
> work by 9:30. He told me to get up so we could get this done.
> 
> It took me awhile, because when I'm in bed I have a phone, an iPad, and a
> dog, so there's really no incentive to actually get up. I already have
> everything I need, why get up?
> 
> Eventually I rolled out of bed (and I do mean that literally) and took a
> shower. By the time I made it downstairs Andrew had finished his screening
> and was waiting for me.
> 
> "Wash your hands thoroughly!" he said, and pointed me to the kitchen sink.
> I'd just come from the shower, but it's important to have clean hands.
> 
> "You have to bleed on this card, at least four drops," he said, "So I'm
> going to stick a needle in one of your fingers."
> 
> This in itself is no big deal -- I stick a needle in a finger all the time.
> Well, not all the time. Occasionally, when I think of it, to test my blood
> sugar. Not that often.
> 
> "Pick a finger."
> 
> In homage to the insurance company, I picked the middle finger.
> 
> He stuck the little needle in, and then squeezed my finger as I bled into
> the little card. My blood is pretty slow, being all sludgy, so it took
> awhile. It didn't want to drop, but at last four drops. Then another, just
> to make sure there was enough.
> 
> "Okay, fill this out," he said, and gave me the paper that was supposed to
> get all my vital statistics. I started writing with a pen I picked up off
> the counter but quickly noticed that I hadn't stopped bleeding. The sludgy
> blood, once it had finally realized there was an escape, was flowing
> freely. I washed off the finger, again, and the pen, and the counter.
> 
> Ash backed away so he couldn't be caught in the deluge.
> 
> I looked at the blank spaces for blood pressure and asked him what he'd
> said on his. He told me, and I said, "I think mine were lower last time I
> was in."
> 
> Yes, I have a blood pressure thingie, but I don't use it. Why use something
> just because I have it?
> 
> So I adjusted his numbers and was satisfied. For someone who works with
> numbers all the time, my ability to remember what a good blood pressure
> number is pretty deplorable. I always ask what it is, and follow up with,
> "Is that good?"
> 
> I washed off my finger again because it was still bleeding.
> 
> Then I put a bandaid on it. Unfortunately we only had a generic bandaid and
> nothing with superheros on them. This is the problem with my life, the lack
> of superhero bandaids.
> 
> We finally got my tests and papers back in their envelope to mail out, and
> they're now traveling back to insurance headquarters, or wherever these
> things go.
> 
> Some days my life is more fun than I can possibly deal with.