TheBanyanTree: Fugue

[Monique Colver]

Would it help if I told you we're all dying?

No?

I didn't think so.

Depression is hard enough. COPD is very difficult. Put the two together,
add in a sinus infection, chronic fatigue, and a bad cough, you're bound to
be tired of the whole damn thing. I get that. I really get that.

I often mistake depression for being sick. Or being sick for depression. Or
chronic fatigue for depression. Or depression for chronic fatigue. How can
one tell, when the symptoms all seem to meld together into one big fat "I
feel like crap and I don't want to do this anymore?" I hate the fatigue. I
often expect myself to not have fatigue, and when I do I'm irritated at it,
and at myself for allowing it.

But you're doing the best you can for yourself, aren't you? That's what
matters. And sometimes when others think we aren't doing enough, we need to
tell ourselves that only we really know what's going on.

Me, I try to listen to what other people tell me, or I'd be convinced of my
uselessness. I am a harsh critic of myself.

I'm thinking of you, and your fugue. Try to look for the small things that
make you happy. Sometimes that's the best we can do, is hold onto those
little things.


Monique Colver




On Mon, Mar 12, 2012 at 12:30 AM, <dseaman77 at gmail.com> wrote:

> I think I did what my therapist always warns me about and mistook feeling
> sick for depression. I missed my last session with her because my brain has
> been like a skillet of scrambled eggs, and even with the appointment card
> in my wallet for easy access, I managed to completely forget the
> appointment. I only see her every three weeks. So now it will be over a
> month before our next session. She teaches me how to cope and use
> techniques to combat depression and anxiety. And even though I am a big boy
> who should be able to remember this stuff, I still need her to encourage
> me. To talk me down from time to time.
>
> You see, I'm dying. Without my therapist to talk me down I will continue
> dying. I had an illness that took up residence in my chest and doesn't
> realize that it has become an unwanted guest. During this visit I am
> dealing with chronic fatigue, sinus infection, and a bad cough. Also I run
> out of breath quick. I have COPD and this illness is exasperating the
> condition, which in turn triggers the depression. So I feel like I am
> dying, which leads me to believe that I am dying.
>
> I sent her an email and told her I was dying. She kind of blew it off and
> listed what my priorities should be. Dear Julie, I'm dying slowly and I
> don't care. Dave, exercise and take your meds. I'm ruminating and she knows
> it. Still doesn't take away from the fact that I feel depressed and don't
> care about much. But I am so annoyed with the fatigue. I've spent far too
> much time in bed. I've taken up walking in the warm spring days. The
> exercise makes my back feel better, but nothing seems to snap me out of my
> fugue.
>
>
> Dave Seaman
>