TheBanyanTree: The Last Parent

[Roger]

Monique, I think you should go to him. I don't know why I think it, I just
do.

Roger

On Sat, Feb 4, 2012 at 3:47 PM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>wrote:

> Jerry has never really been my parent, but he's all I have left. My
> mother's husband, he wasn't around until I was grown up, and I never lived
> with my mom anyway, except for a short time before she realized she
> couldn't successfully integrate small children into her life. Jerry and I
> did not get along. He drank a lot, as did mom, and to me was just another
> in a long line of ill-considered liaisons.
>
> She said she didn't need to be married, but after I got married for the
> first time suddenly that changed, and she and Jerry got married shortly
> afterwards. And every time I visited I thought, "Gah!" Or something to that
> effect. I dreaded the visits. There was always much drinking, and if my
> brother was there we would, if we could, escape for a while. I found Jerry
> obnoxious and annoying, and while he'd drunkenly ramble on about how we
> needed to open a restaurant with me doing the cooking and him financing it
> I'd think, "How soon can I get out of here?"
>
> Anyway. We all grew up eventually. He and Mom moved to Montana, and they
> both cut way back on their drinking. Way back. He stopped smoking too,
> though Mom never could be persuaded to give it up. I wasn't sure if she was
> always happy, but she said she was, and they both seemed to calm down quite
> a bit.
>
> Several years ago Mom got cancer, and Jerry surprised the hell out of me.
> Where he'd been occasionally sickly and needed taking care of, suddenly he
> was invincible. He took care of Mom, he watched over her, he did everything
> for her. He took over cooking and cleaning and tended to her every need. He
> was all there, and I was so proud of him. And so glad, for Mom, that she
> had him to rely upon.
>
> After Mom died I went to see him a few times to clean out her office for
> him, and to help him with getting things in order. Last summer Andrew and I
> visited for a few days, just to see him. He always asks how my book is
> coming along, though he doesn't read. (Not that he CAN'T, he just doesn't.)
> He's been great. When I was injured while visiting him he wanted to wait on
> me, and he always wanted to cook for me.
>
> Today my sister texted me: "Call Dad, it's important. Don't tell him I told
> you to call."
>
> I've never called Jerry Dad, but to my sister, he's Dad, which is probably
> just as well, since her dad died 20 years ago. I never liked him either --
> he's the one who french kissed me when I was a kid and he was drunk,
> convincing me I was better off living with my dad than I would be with my
> mom.
>
> I've done that too, like around Mom's birthday when I'd talked to him and
> he was really sad, told people to call him.
>
> He's done a great job of taking care of himself since he lost Mom too.
> Their dog died shortly after Mom, also from cancer, and she was more Mom's
> dog than his. Now he has a great dog he got from the shelter, a really
> lovely dog. And he volunteers at the Habitat for Humanity thrift store
> every week. He has friends, and he still takes care of his own property,
> riding his lawn mower around the couple of acres.
>
> I called him, and left a voicemail, he called me later and I was out, and
> then I called him and finally reached me. He told me he'd been out using
> the gift card for Famous Dave's that we'd sent him for Christmas and how
> much he enjoyed it, and then said he had bad news and good news.
>
> Jerry has cancer. BUT there's good news! It's stage 1, a spot on his lung,
> and they found it quickly because he had chest pain, turned out to be
> pneumonia, then had x-rays, so they found it. So often they don't find it
> until it's stage 3. But stage 1! Monday he's going into the hospital for
> surgery, and they said they'll be able to get it all and then he won't need
> chemo or anything. Just take care of it right then.
>
> I told him I could come over if he needed me. He should be in the hospital
> for most of the week. He says he'll be fine, but of course I can come
> anytime -- he likes it when I visit. His neighbors are taking good care of
> him -- he's watching the Superbowl at home Sunday with a couple of the
> neighbors, one of them a 19 year old who's been around helping him out and
> being helped out for years. A neighbor went with him to the doctor to get
> all the pertinent info -- her husband has been severely ill for years so
> she knows far more about these things than anyone needs to -- she's great
> and I know he's in good hands.
>
> My sister wanted to know if I could be there Monday. Uhm, why? I told Jerry
> I could come if he needed me, but he didn't think there was much reason for
> me to come when he's going to be in the hospital. And he's right. What
> would I do? I also told him I could come after he gets out, if he wants me
> too. I'll see how it goes next week. But my sister -- she thinks I don't do
> enough for family, that I'm selfish, that I could do more if I wanted.
>
> I don't care. Jerry knows I'm here if he needs me. He has four kids of his
> own -- two in California, one in Hawaii, and one in Oklahoma, so I'm still
> the closest, at a full day's drive away. I'd like this one last parent to
> stay around for awhile. He's not really mine, but he turned out to be a
> really great guy, once we both grew up.
>
>
>
>
>
> Monique Colver
> Colver Business Solutions
> monique at colverbusinesssolutions.com
> www.colverbusinesssolutions.com
> (425) 772-6218
>