TheBanyanTree: The Last Parent

[Monique Colver]

Jerry has never really been my parent, but he's all I have left. My
mother's husband, he wasn't around until I was grown up, and I never lived
with my mom anyway, except for a short time before she realized she
couldn't successfully integrate small children into her life. Jerry and I
did not get along. He drank a lot, as did mom, and to me was just another
in a long line of ill-considered liaisons.

She said she didn't need to be married, but after I got married for the
first time suddenly that changed, and she and Jerry got married shortly
afterwards. And every time I visited I thought, "Gah!" Or something to that
effect. I dreaded the visits. There was always much drinking, and if my
brother was there we would, if we could, escape for a while. I found Jerry
obnoxious and annoying, and while he'd drunkenly ramble on about how we
needed to open a restaurant with me doing the cooking and him financing it
I'd think, "How soon can I get out of here?"

Anyway. We all grew up eventually. He and Mom moved to Montana, and they
both cut way back on their drinking. Way back. He stopped smoking too,
though Mom never could be persuaded to give it up. I wasn't sure if she was
always happy, but she said she was, and they both seemed to calm down quite
a bit.

Several years ago Mom got cancer, and Jerry surprised the hell out of me.
Where he'd been occasionally sickly and needed taking care of, suddenly he
was invincible. He took care of Mom, he watched over her, he did everything
for her. He took over cooking and cleaning and tended to her every need. He
was all there, and I was so proud of him. And so glad, for Mom, that she
had him to rely upon.

After Mom died I went to see him a few times to clean out her office for
him, and to help him with getting things in order. Last summer Andrew and I
visited for a few days, just to see him. He always asks how my book is
coming along, though he doesn't read. (Not that he CAN'T, he just doesn't.)
He's been great. When I was injured while visiting him he wanted to wait on
me, and he always wanted to cook for me.

Today my sister texted me: "Call Dad, it's important. Don't tell him I told
you to call."

I've never called Jerry Dad, but to my sister, he's Dad, which is probably
just as well, since her dad died 20 years ago. I never liked him either --
he's the one who french kissed me when I was a kid and he was drunk,
convincing me I was better off living with my dad than I would be with my
mom.

I've done that too, like around Mom's birthday when I'd talked to him and
he was really sad, told people to call him.

He's done a great job of taking care of himself since he lost Mom too.
Their dog died shortly after Mom, also from cancer, and she was more Mom's
dog than his. Now he has a great dog he got from the shelter, a really
lovely dog. And he volunteers at the Habitat for Humanity thrift store
every week. He has friends, and he still takes care of his own property,
riding his lawn mower around the couple of acres.

I called him, and left a voicemail, he called me later and I was out, and
then I called him and finally reached me. He told me he'd been out using
the gift card for Famous Dave's that we'd sent him for Christmas and how
much he enjoyed it, and then said he had bad news and good news.

Jerry has cancer. BUT there's good news! It's stage 1, a spot on his lung,
and they found it quickly because he had chest pain, turned out to be
pneumonia, then had x-rays, so they found it. So often they don't find it
until it's stage 3. But stage 1! Monday he's going into the hospital for
surgery, and they said they'll be able to get it all and then he won't need
chemo or anything. Just take care of it right then.

I told him I could come over if he needed me. He should be in the hospital
for most of the week. He says he'll be fine, but of course I can come
anytime -- he likes it when I visit. His neighbors are taking good care of
him -- he's watching the Superbowl at home Sunday with a couple of the
neighbors, one of them a 19 year old who's been around helping him out and
being helped out for years. A neighbor went with him to the doctor to get
all the pertinent info -- her husband has been severely ill for years so
she knows far more about these things than anyone needs to -- she's great
and I know he's in good hands.

My sister wanted to know if I could be there Monday. Uhm, why? I told Jerry
I could come if he needed me, but he didn't think there was much reason for
me to come when he's going to be in the hospital. And he's right. What
would I do? I also told him I could come after he gets out, if he wants me
too. I'll see how it goes next week. But my sister -- she thinks I don't do
enough for family, that I'm selfish, that I could do more if I wanted.

I don't care. Jerry knows I'm here if he needs me. He has four kids of his
own -- two in California, one in Hawaii, and one in Oklahoma, so I'm still
the closest, at a full day's drive away. I'd like this one last parent to
stay around for awhile. He's not really mine, but he turned out to be a
really great guy, once we both grew up.





Monique Colver
Colver Business Solutions
monique at colverbusinesssolutions.com
www.colverbusinesssolutions.com
(425) 772-6218