TheBanyanTree: Exclusion

[Monique Colver]

                After four years of marriage, my in-laws are still having
trouble reconciling to the fact that their son now has a significant other.
I suppose it’s not entirely their fault. Perhaps they thought the marriage
ceremony was just for fun.


                But perhaps I’m being unkind. It happens.


                Since charming husband is the oldest and the least troubled
child, the stable one, the one not subject to fits of rage or selfishness,
and he is also far away from the rest of the family, they miss him terribly.
Especially his mother, who misses especially all the times she and Andrew
would do things together, just the two of them, like the time she flew to
Seattle for her birthday, and he took her to dinner and to see Mamma Mia.
She brings it up frequently, how much fun she has with him, and I know she
wants to recreate it.


                They say you can tell a lot about a man by his relationship
with his mother, in which case I have a winner, and not in the Charlie Sheen
sense of the word, which would be something to avoid. Charming husband is
great with his parents. He excuses their lack of good manners, he humors
them, and he is always attentive and reassuring when needed. When pushed too
far he’ll confront them, but he has to be really pushed, for his default
position is peacemaker.


                The stable one in the family often is.


                When his mother talks about how a most wonderful thing would
be for her to fly down to Seattle on a weekend when he’s in Seattle so she
can spend the weekend with him, just him, and in Seattle, one of her
favorite cities, he’s appropriately reassuring, following up with, “Yes,
that would be nice,” and I, overhearing it all, cringe at what’s going to
happen next.


                What happens next is me whispering furiously to him, “But
you’re working when you’re there!”


                He keeps talking to her, because he’s a good son. “And
Monique can come up for the weekend too,” at which I roll my eyes and stage
whisper, “But that’s not the plan! She wants you all to herself!”


                She wants a magical weekend like the weekend years ago when
she and my charming husband roamed Seattle, just the two of them, seeing
plays, shopping, eating, and there’s this annoying wife in the background,
pissed about being left out. I wasn’t around when the first magical weekend
happened, and no one, Andrew included, even knew I existed, so that wasn’t a
problem.


                And wanting to spend time alone with her son is
understandable. I can’t fault her for that, can I? I’d want to spend time
with him myself, if I could. Well, I do, but that’s different.


                But I have family issues. I have family, but none of them
are interested in spending time with me. Stepdad wants me to come see him,
but I think that’s because his children are far away and I, well, I am still
working on cleaning out Mom’s office and closets for him. Since I spent a
great deal of my childhood being excluded it really annoys me, even now,
when I should know better.


                And the seemingly unthinking way she brings it up, as if I
don’t even exist, that just really gets me. This is not the first time she’s
brought up the subject of visiting him when he’s in Seattle working. It’s a
recurring theme, and, like most of her ideas, isn’t likely to happen, but
that doesn’t assuage my sudden terrifying drop into the same old feelings of
being unwanted and a nuisance.


                Families sort of suck, don’t they?


                My stepsister, who doesn’t speak to me and never
particularly liked me, and who lives ten minutes from us, told Andrew happy
birthday on FB today. And it really ticked me off. I tried, years ago, to be
sociable with her, but she would have none of it, and a time or two, over
the past few years, she’s made snide remarks on FB directly on Andrew’s
comments, one time suggesting that perhaps, since Andrew was in Seattle so
much, perhaps we weren’t together anymore? Or perhaps I’ve misremembered it
all. I’m likely to do that with family members because I’m paranoid. They’re
all out to get me and hate me, except for the ones who just don’t care one
way or the other, which is most of them.


                So I’m not rational about families or, for that matter,
personal relationships of any sort. So shoot me. Still, Andrew says next
time his mom brings this up he’ll tell her it’s not going to happen, not
like that, because he won’t have me stuck down here while they’re up there.
And when they do visit Portland I’ve been known to send them out to play
while I stay home and work, so it’s not as if I want to be included every
spare minute.


                In fact, every spare minute might drive ME insane. Like I
said, it’s not rational. I just feel exclusion deeply, and this is tough in
a world where exclusion is the norm. It’s not because people mean to, but
there are so many things going on with so many people and there are so many
people to include that someone will always be excluded. Sometimes it’s me,
sometimes it’s someone else. Sometimes it may be you. It just happens. But
with each one I feel as if it’s personal, as if I myself have been found
wanting yet again. Sometimes, to avoid this, I exclude myself first. It’s
easier, on me, if I do the rejecting first.


                Someday I’ll be rational about these things. I may be 95 by
then, but I’ll keep working on it.

-- 
Monique Colver