TheBanyanTree: Friendly Eyes

[auntiesash]

It was nice to sit at the table over coffee and toast.  This friend,
reappearing after months of random texts and status updates, had knocked on
the door about 1:15 in the morning and had slept soundly on our couch from
1:25 until 10:30.

"I knew I could just show up" he said.  "I'm glad you got the text from
Medford, but I knew that I had to escape California and you would let me in
whenever I got here.  I guess you guys saved my life again."

I handed him two more slices of toast.  "That's a little dramatic for a
night on our couch and some breakfast"

"I can't believe you even have *Nutella* for me!  And I'm not being
dramatic.  I wouldn't have made it to Seattle and I just couldn't face a
hotel room... or sleeping in my car.  It's nuts... I lived in Oregon for 6
years, and do you know that you are the only ones still in my cell phone?  I
mean it.  I've removed everyone from my cell phone, one at a time, unless I
knew I could really count on them.  In the entire state of Oregon, you guys
are it.  Look at this..."  He handed me the cell phone.  "there are only 6
names in and one of those is my dad."

I tried to joke about how important it is to leave other numbers in your
contact list, if only so you can avoid answering sometimes, but he was in no
mood for joking around.  He gripped the Tigger coffee mug and said "You
know, I thought I was dead.  That time...was it 2 years ago... when the
dance finished up.  I stayed out there until the tree came down.  I was
exhausted and then I got sick.  I stayed in my tent for 2 full days... you
remember how it rained that year?  For 2 days and noone checked on me or
looked for me.  I don't know if they even knew I was there and after the
first day and night, I didn't know if I was there either.  I thought I might
not be there... I might be dead... or something else... but not there."

"Then the day came to take the tree down and you came back to camp and you
showed up at my tent.  You came over and woke me up and told me to come eat
some scrambled eggs.  You made there incredible eggs with cheese and Ned
made me toast with Nutella.  Ed handed me some coffee and told me I looked
awful.  Then after we took the tree down, I was trying to pack up my stuff
and you guys just made me sit down.  You packed everything and you told me
to come home with you.  I barely even knew you guys then and you brought me
back here and I sat at this table.  How long did I stay - 3 days, maybe 4?
 It was like you wouldn't let me leave, even though you didn't say that.
 You fed me and we played video games and you said things...."  He looked
back at me "You said things that let me know that you'd seen it too... and
been there too... and you know how people are... and you keep trying to
love... and mostly, I just know that you cared if I was gonna be OK or not."

His eyes refocused on the room.  "You guys effin saved me and I don't think
you were even trying to.  You just did it.  You were just being who you are.
 You're doing it right now, you know?  Letting me rant and poor out my guts
on your toast.  I can't effin believe you have Nutella."

****
The chain is so shiny and delicate.  Every time I touch it I feel a little
nervous... as if just brushing my hand on it I might suddenly become awkward
and catch my finger and it would snap in two.  I like to touch it, though.
 I brush my finger across the smooth silver plate, adjusting it to stay
centered on my throat.

I keep ducking into the bathroom to look in the mirror.  It's really
beautiful - hanging right at the points of my collarbone.  Not that you can
actually see my clavicle.  I'm about 20 pounds past being able to see the
shape and bone structure, but I can feel that it rests perfectly there.
 It's classy and dainty and sophisticated.

I lean into the mirror to look at the text.  I can't read it, of course.  My
eyes are too weak.  It's also in italics...and backwards, of course, in the
mirror.  I can see the shape of the word but not the details and I can't
quite remember what it says.   I remember what it means.  The English
version in equally precise script is on the side next to my skin.  "Soul
Friend" it says, but I can't pull up the Gaelic and I don't want to take the
necklace off to look.

****
It is one of my most impassioned prayers.

"I pray" I will say to husband "that you could feel, for just one heartbeat,
how much I love you and that you could see, for just one blink of the eye,
how beautiful and amazing you are to me.  If you could see that and feel
that, you would know something so important about who you are."

"I wish" I tell my son "I wish that you could know in your heart of hearts,
even for one day, the promise and kindness and joy that you bring to
creation.  If you could feel that, you would never feel alone or separate
from the world again"

"Oh dear LORD" I say to my friends "If you could hear your thoughts and read
your words and see your soul the way I hear and read and see you, you would
never stop thinking or writing or being you because you are ALL things
awesome and miraculous."

****
I feel different today.

As often and as passionately as I've prayed and wished and exclaimed, I have
never, ever thought to look for that prayer for myself.  But today, at least
for today, I am holding my head just so - not only to show off this lovely
necklace but because, well, because someone I love very much looked at this
beautiful, dainty, elegant necklace and thought of me.

And today, at least for today, I am aware that I have the power to save
lives.  Not by force or miracle, but by feeding and loving and smiling and
being.

As much as my inner self may boggle at these thoughts, I am choosing to see
myself, at least for this day, through the eyes of my friends.  My precious
friends who have no idea how they touch my life... how they give me
confidence and grace and love and meaning.

If only they could, just for a moment, see what I see.....

sash
2011

-- 
Everyone is from somewhere
Even if you've never been there.
So take a minute to remember
The part of you that might be the Old Man calling me.
- *Jethro Tull*