TheBanyanTree: As I Was Saying . . .

[Margaret R. Kramer]

What happened?

I’ve been so busy, it’s crazy.  Getting my house together after Asher and
the boys moved out.  Doing yard work.  Going to the apple orchard.  Just
busy.

I can’t remember an October like this one.  The whole month stretched into
endless sunny and dry days with golden colors and T-shirt temperatures.  I
had to get outside and savor the waning sunshine of fall before reality hits
and it suddenly gets cold and damp.

We haven’t had a killing freeze yet.  My flowers were blooming brilliantly
until this afternoon, when I emptied all the pots of flowers and dirt into
my compost pile.  I always hate cutting their lives short when nature hasn’t
done them in herself.  But it’s creeping towards Halloween and it’s time to
put the garden to bed for the winter.

Today is a transition day.  It’s warm and comfortable, we’ve had
intermittent showers.  We haven’t had rain for weeks, so any moisture is
welcome.  After I killed my flowers and hauled my lawn furniture into the
garage, the dark clouds started gathering again.  I finished sweeping the
bare deck just as it started to rain.  After the front goes through, then
the golden days of October will change into the colorless days of November.

President Obama is here in Minnesota today – a rally at my alma mater, the U
of M.  President Clinton will be here tomorrow to do some politicking while
tailgating with Vikings fans.  Yes, Vikings fans who are trying to support a
quarterback who sends photos of his penis via cell phone.

Why any guy thinks a picture of his penis will make a woman go mad with
desire is beyond me.  Most women prefer a more subtle approach, like holding
hands.

But, I guess when you’re a quarterback who can’t decide to play from one
year to the next and have nothing to do but wait for everyone to beg you to
play football, you probably think your penis is pretty darn special and you
would like everyone to think it is special, too.

Ugh!

I’ve been a grief support group facilitator for spouse loss since the
beginning of September.  I’m still close to Ray’s death, but my feelings
about Ray and his death are less intense.  There is no going back to
“normal” or “moving on” or “getting over it.”  The loss is always with me,
just like that big hole where my heart should be, but it’s not as riveting.
Most of the time, I accept it as it is.  Ray is with me, but not in the
physical sense.  I’m foraging alone in the remainder of my life.

But the group members’ losses are fresh and intense and all encompassing.  I
remember what it was like to trek through each day in searing pain.  Their
paths are familiar to me.

The group is a good group.  No one talks too much.  No one says too little.
They support each other and they support me.  I stopped going as a
participant, because I didn’t like going back to early grief, or visiting
the dark place, but now I can face those times without so many tears.  And
they will, too, as time moves them further away from the initial loss.

The speaker today was a writer and a poet.  She lost her daughter from a car
accident 25 years ago.  She had us, by hand, oh, gosh; I only write on the
computer now, write some thoughts about our losses.  My fingers aren’t used
to clutching a pen.  But we wrote.  And then she shared a book with us she
helped edit, it just was published, The Wind Blows, the Ice Breaks – Poems
of Loss and Renewal by Minnesota Poets.

There’s something about the transition of fall into winter that brings us
into our homes.  I start baking more rather than looking in the freezer for
ice cream.  I use the crock pot to make soups and chili instead of grilling.
I reach for a book to read.  And I think about writing.  I like to gather my
thoughts and lay them out and start the process of typing the words as the
wind blows outside.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
www.linkedin.com/in/margaretkramer

May Jack-o-lanterns burning bright
Of soft and golden hue
Pierce through the future’s veil and show
What fate now holds for you.    
-Author Unknown