TheBanyanTree: I’ve got nothin’

[Pam Lawley]

Oh Monique, I for once, have complete faith that you'll get refilled.  A
person as loving and compassionate as yourself couldn't help but!  Perhaps
these moments of 'emptiness' are just your storage spaces way of gearing up
for the "big fill"!!

(and I say all this selfishly myself, waiting on the next installment...)

On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 4:24 PM, Monique Colver <monique.colver at gmail.com>wrote:

> Not quite the end of 2010, and I’m empty. I’ve been empty for weeks, so I
> didn’t even make it close to the end of the year. Not emotionally empty, or
> physically empty, so that’s all good. I’m not exactly a train wreck waiting
> to happen.
>
>
> “Not exactly?” What does that even mean?
>
>
> Each year I’m given a certain amount of material to work with. It’s
> parceled
> out carefully to me throughout the year, but some months I use less, and
> some months I use more. But it’s still supposed to get me through the
> entire
> year. It’s still supposed to be enough. And this year, it didn’t quite make
> it. Two more days left and I’m panicking because there’s nothing there.
>
>
> Okay, this is me panicking. You can’t really tell, but I am. Really. I only
> sound calm.
>
>
> Stop me if I get hysterical. Throw water on me or something. “I’m wet and
> I’m hysterical!” Not sure what good it would do, but there ya go.
>
> I’m not panicking because I’m empty at the moment, I’m panicking because
> what if it doesn’t come back? What if I stay this way? What if I can’t get
> interested enough in anything to rail against? What if my vitriol dries up
> and won’t come out no matter how much it’s prodded? What if this is IT?
>
> I say that every time this happens, but it comes back. It does. So far. But
> hey, maybe along with menopause I lose the momentum to write?
>
>
> You think menopause is funny?
>
>
> There are things that are waiting to be said. I know, everyone has
> something
> to say. I don’t care. I’m really only concerned with me. I’m very
> self-centered that way.
>
> Perhaps part of the problem is that there’s so little that makes me angry.
> I
> notice that quite a lot of material comes from people who are angry.
> Perhaps
> I should cultivate anger? Grow it carefully so that I’m compelled to spit
> out what it is that makes me so mad I could spit?
>
>
> Why would spitting help anything anyway?
>
>
> You know what makes me angry? Perpetually angry people. On the other hand,
> I
> don’t really want them ganging up on me. Who needs that kind of thing going
> on? They’d say I’m too “nice,” as if it’s a character flaw.
>
>
> Look, I’ve got plenty of character flaws. There’s no need to introduce more
> to the equation.
>
>
> I could rail against the opposition political party, but that would entail
> calling some people I’m actually quite fond of an assortment of insulting
> names. That’s just rude.
>
> I could, if I were so inclined, which I’m not, tell the story of my Worst
> Christmas Ever, but frankly, most people could come up with a better story.
> I could tell you how about the annoying people who don’t like to do things
> the way I think they should, but I don’t really care how they like to do
> things, as long as it doesn’t interfere with what I’m doing. I could rail
> against religion, or the lack thereof, or I could complain about how no
> one’s paying me enough attention. I could even, if I were so inclined, tell
> a charming story about how I’m above all that.
>
>
> I’m not , of course, but still, it would make for a great story. Don’t you
> agree?
>
>
> I may have to turn to fiction. In fiction I can make up any sort of story I
> like and the fact of it will be what I decide. I like that concept. I like
> creating something out of nothing. I can’t do that with my paying work,
> which consists of taking actual numbers and doing things with them. They
> are
> what they are, and my work with them turns them into something meaningful.
> I
> can’t create something out of nothing there, or the numbers would be wrong,
> and the IRS hates that. Not only that, but it’s not particularly useful to
> my clients. I can make numbers do tricks, but they have to be substantiated
> and honest numbers, and there’s no embellishing to make them more
> interesting. They just are what they are.
>
>
> I have plots in my head. Characters. Events. Thoughts. They keep me awake
> at
> night. They threaten to spill out and make my life messy, not all orderly
> and quiet like it is. I’m not afraid of them. I am afraid they won’t come
> out like they’re supposed to, that they’ll turn up ill-formed and
> transparent, and not what I see them as. Much of how I see them is how I
> feel about them, it’s not tangible, so it’s not easy to produce them.
>
>
> As I’m writing this I can see, below this window, my gmail window, and my
> old mail is still there. All my new mail goes to Outlook, so one of the old
> mails that’s sitting there is an exchange between me and my Mom from April
> of 2009 when we were talking about her stent. She’s been gone for just over
> a year now, but the emails will stay right where they are. My mom liked my
> writing. She always did, from the time I first started putting words on
> paper and writing my own newspaper. Everyone else thought I was crazy, and
> they may have been right. But so was Mom.
>
>
> Which means I’ll have to keep going, even if I’m empty.
>
>
> http://moniquecolver.blogspot.com/2010/12/ive-got-nothin.html
> --
> Monique Colver
>