TheBanyanTree: The Grass is Always Greener

[Margaret R. Kramer]

I finally took Ray off of our car insurance policy.  I’ve been thinking
about it and thinking about it and finally called the company.  Ray’s been
dead for almost two and a half years, I guess it’s time.  But it’s like
erasing him.  It’s like removing him from all the life’s ordinary things.

The person I talked to told me I didn’t have to send in a death certificate.
I save $100 every six months after erasing Ray from the automobile world.

I still have Ray on our banking accounts.  I love seeing the names Ray and
Margaret printed on our checks.  We’re still a financial team.  He hasn’t
been erased yet from handling money.

Ray’s name remains as the addressee on the Time Magazine I get every week.
And now and then, I still get something addressed to him.  He’s getting less
and less mail as he’s dead longer.  I’m sure one day, Ray will cease to
exist on any mailing list and I won’t get anything at all for him.

I check his email every day.  Silly, I know.  There’s not much to see.  Lots
of spam and all the newsletters he signed up for.  He liked the Vikings and
politics and road construction newsletters.

I didn’t start checking his email until he had been gone for two years.  I
checked his account a few times after he died, but it was mostly to forward
into my email box some of the last emails he received and wrote before he
died.  Then I forgot about it until last winter.  I feel close to him after
reading that ordinary everyday email.  I’m doing a task he did every day.

Ray set up birthday reminders and it’s fun to read the comments he wrote
about his children and grandchildren on the reminders.  My own birthday
reminder is for the wrong day, which is sweet, and I forgot the comment he
wrote, but it was just so Ray.

When I googled Margaret and Ray last year, we weren’t linked in any way.  I
felt kind of bad about that, but we had only been married a short time when
he died.  But when I googled us this year, wow, there we were, linked
together in cyberspace.  I like that.

I completed grief group facilitator training in July.  I’ll be facilitating
my own spouse loss group beginning in September and ending in December.  I’m
not thrilled with losing personal time on Saturdays, but I’m excited to get
the chance to pay back to the group that gave me so much when Ray died.  I
wouldn’t have been able to survive without them.

A week ago, I got an email from the Veterans Administration about a position
in their pension department.  Months ago, shortly after I got laid off, I
went to a job fair at the University of Minnesota, and passed my resume
around.  This job info came from that long ago job fair.

My skill doesn’t match the job description, but I updated my cover letter
and resume anyway, and emailed it back.  I got a call and I have interview
set up for Tuesday.  I’d love to have a more permanent position, especially
one with health benefits, paid vacation, and a pension if I work for the VA
for at least five years.  We’ll see.

Actually, I’ve been getting lots of emails and calls from recruiters lately.
I’m very lucky my skill set is in demand.  But I’m happy where I’m at.  It’s
a good job.  I like my boss.  It’s close to home.  And the pay is
exceptional.  I’ve been very lucky.

I got my new glasses this week.  My regular glasses are frameless, just the
lenses attached to thin silver bows.  They practically disappear on my face.
I got sexy big black sunglasses for fun.

Our wet and humid and hot summer continues.  I had to leave the air
conditioning on all week, because it was so humid.  It’s humid today, too,
but not as hot, so I turned it off.  I’m making spaghetti and bread for
dinner, because I have so many tomatoes coming out of the garden, I have to
start using them up.

I bought a nice bottle of Italian wine to go with dinner for Joe and me.  I
went to Big Top last night, my favorite liquor store.  It’s kind of in a
mixed part of town, and its primary clientele are not wine lovers, but beer
and hard liquor drinkers.  They run in the store and run out as fast as they
can, while I browse the aisles away.  I love shopping there.  I find
interesting wines for good prices amidst the chaos.

There is a part of my backyard that grass has worn away from Shadow going
down the middle of the yard and the boys playing ball there.  I’ve been
planning to plant grass seed since last year.  I finally did it today.

I have a great tiller and I was able to till the wet ground, because we’ve
had tons of storms lately, spread the grass seed in the bare spots, then I
covered those spots with this blanket like thing that helps the area moist
and it also keep the seeds from sliding away, I put fence around the spot to
keep the dogs out, and finally I watered it.  Looks like I’ll be watering
several times a day until the seeds sprout and get bigger.  I’m hoping this
will plug this black hole in my otherwise nice back yard.

Next week is going to be cooler, highs in the 70s instead of the 90s, and
that will be great for my new grass and great for all the people who don’t
come outside in humidity.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
www.linkedin.com/in/margaretkramer

Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.   
-Lorraine Hansberry, A Raisin in the Sun