TheBanyanTree: I've Come Undone

[Margaret R. Kramer]

After being in the professional workforce for over 30 years, the ax has
swung and cut my head off.  My position is being eliminated (RIF – reduction
in force) as of 10/7/09.  

I wasn’t totally in shock, as I could kind of see this coming.  They reduced
our pay by 4%, cut out our 401k matches, and we have to buy our own office
supplies, but it was still shocking when it happened.  My project manager
was more upset than I was, as I could hear her over the phone fighting back
tears as she told me that my position was eliminated.

I was in shock, but not the kind of shock that I was in when Ray died.  The
worse thing possible has happened to me, and nothing in this life could ever
hurt as much as it did when Ray died.  

I’ve never lost a job before, so my sense of purpose was shaken.  There were
60 people laid off, but I think only two from our office.  Some people were
very sympathetic and helpful when I told them and other people stay away
from me like I have the plague.  And there are still others who are secretly
elated when they find out that I or anyone else who gets terminated, because
they love swimming in the negative lane, and they feel stronger when other
people are hurt.

On the night that I found out, Joe took me out to dinner at a very nice
restaurant.  But Joe, being Joe, is probably more shaken up about this than
I am.  I have to be careful about what I discuss with him.  He’s bounced
from job to job in his life, he’s never been part of the corporate scene, so
he’s having a difficult time trying to understand this.  Hey, I don’t
understand it very well either.

But we’re victims of poor management decisions made in paneled corporate
board rooms.  Those people who make these decisions won’t lose their jobs,
or if they do, they’re paid off.  It’s the bottom feeders like me, who pay
for their mistakes.

But that’s past.  I’m not bitter towards my company.  I was there for five
years and updated my skill set considerably.  They were better than the
company I came from.  Now I need to move forward.

I’ve updated my resume.  I’ve been looking for jobs every day.  The head
hunter job didn’t come through, but that’s OK, it was practice.  I talked to
an outplacement counselor from the service my company provides.  I sent them
my resume so they can tighten it up.

I have a pile of papers to read.  I’m going to a coffee house tomorrow
afternoon and do just that.  I need to get a notebook and some folders to
keep everything organized.  I’ve only explored a few of the resources
available to me and I need to expand my reach.  I got social networking
sites to update and seriously link to people.  I need to get job networking
groups on my calendar.  I need to move fast, because . . .

Our severance is really stupid.  It’s in conjunction with unemployment, so
I’m being paid unemployment and my severance at the same time, not making
more than I would with my pay alone.  After 10 weeks, then I’ll just get
unemployment, which will be cut because of my part-time job income.  No
wonder everyone is foreclosing on their homes!  

I’m losing my health and life insurance on 10/15/09.  I’ll have to scramble
to get some cheap from somewhere.  That’s on my list.  Unemployment alone
will not even pay my mortgage.  I have savings, but I hate to use it, and if
I do use it, it won’t last long.  That’s why I got to scramble.

Fortunately, there seem to be a number of positions available that match my
skill set.  I just have to convince some company that I’m a good fit for
them.  It’s never been easy for me to get a job, so I’m hoping I won’t have
to struggle too long.

I’ve read all the horror stories about people living in the streets after
losing their jobs.  At least, I have the flower van to live in, just in
case.  So I’m scared and worried.  I’ve done 5 million “what if scenarios”
in my head.  “What if . . . what if . . . what if” flies around until I’m
dizzy with fear.  What’s going to happen to me?

I’m lucky I don’t have any car payments or debt, but my mortgage payment is
HUGE.  It’s a good mortgage, not an APR, but it sucks the blood out of me.
I’ve got some areas when I can trim some fat, but the mortgage is my main
concern.  I’ve never missed a payment.  I love my little house and I’d hate
to lose it.

So along with all the job stuff, I have to see if there is any financial
help out there.

OK, just to change the subject, we finally had a bit of rain this week.  My
rain gauge had cobwebs in it!  I decorated my house for fall, so some yellow
and purple mums and small orange pumpkins are now guarding the front and
back doors.

No killing frost is in site, so my garden will continue to thrive for a
while.

And I hope I do, too.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com

The night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand.. 
-Frederick L. Knowles