TheBanyanTree: Correspondence (emails) between Peter and I

[Pat M]

June 17, 2009 - Email from Peter one day before I left the orphanage

Dear Pat,

You are going to leave, though you will come back in a short time, the thing
still make me feel sad and worry, i could not stop thinking about your life
here, what you did for our kids and how we repaid you.

 For the Holy Spirit shining and the sorrow in my heart, i have some words
for you...

I really feel so bad and sorry about the pain i made to you, my heart blames
me usually that i am wrong to you, the verses in Romans describes my feeling
so clearly:

 *I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what
I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is
good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in
me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For
I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I
do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I
keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who
do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work:
When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I
delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my
body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the
law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will
rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ
our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the
sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.*

 My Lord told me that if i have sorrow to you, i need go and be reconciled
to you...

 At noon, for special, i asked one elder girl, how about you in her eyes?
She smiled and did not say very specific good things about you, she repeated
the word from time to time, "good".

 I could not know how much you had brought for our children, their hearts
have experienced it and my Lord has seen all what you did, may He rewards
you more according to what you did to the children of Him.

 Be safe on the journey and pass the eye laser operation successfully, may
you get the big joy when you are home.

 Peter



July 4, 2009 - My response

Hello Peter,

It has been awhile since I last wrote to you, and I wanted to let you know
that my eye surgery went very well. I expect to make a full recovery.
Already my eyesight is near perfect and I am able to drive a car without
wearing glasses. But that isn't the reason for this email.

I am writing to you now to express my thoughts and feelings about your
behaviour towards me while I volunteered at the orphanage. As you suspected,
you hurt me very much by not welcoming me, supporting me or offering me your
friendship.  I was a foreigner in a country where I couldn't speak the
language, and you were the only one at the orphanage with sufficient English
to have a meaningful conversation but you resented and ignored me. Living
there was lonely and towards the end, I often felt angry with you and
depressed. That's why I stopped teaching English for the two weeks before I
left and chose instead to do crafts with the children. At that time, I wrote
a long, bitter email to Ron about my experiences with you, saved it and
didn't send it.

Before I left China, you sent me several emails expressing regret for your
behaviour and I chose not to respond. I needed time away from you and the
orphanage to clarify my thoughts and to decide whether or not to send that
email.

I have decided not to send that email, and I want you to know that I forgive
you. I see you as a young man with a terrible internal conflict between good
and evil, and I can't help but feel compassion for you.  Having said that, I
must tell you that I don't know whether I'll return to the orphanage. Again,
I need time to make a decision.  This is partially because of my bad
experiences with you and also because I have some health concerns. I will be
seeing a doctor soon for a complete physical examination. Mostly, I am
worried about my chronic cough which I suspect is because of the heavy
pollution from the aluminum factory.

Regardless of what I decide, I will always love the children and I
appreciate that most of the time, they have a good and happy life at
Wesley's House.

Wishing you peace and love,
Pat


 July 5, 2009 -Email from Peter


Dear Pat,

I feel happy to know the good news about your eye surgery, and i hope the
result of the complete physical examination could be good for you too.

Thanks for your forgiveness, though the attitude of others means nothing to
me, your goodness still makes me feel shameful...

Thanks for not sending the email to Ron because your mercy on me. In fact, i
trust that my Lord has known what i did and did not do to you, including the
content of that email, God is Love, He does not give me punishment on me
till now.

I want to say that Wesley's House is God's House, i am just a servant here,
if the time is arrived, and i still do not have any repentance, my Lord will
replace me with other good servants. His Name can be honored all the time.
The door of Wesley's House is open to you and all others who love the
children all the time. The authority belongs to Him only. (So Even though
Ron does not know my serious fault or mistake, the Lord i serve knows, it is
for sure that He will do or do not do something on me.I trust it very much.)
So please do not stop your love to the children here because of my sake.

Our children talked about you in their letters usually. We welcome you
coming back.

The communication with you is really very good for me, thanks very much for
your help.

I feel so bad about myself, now i could live is only because of His mercy
and grace, sorry so much for my continued sin, it hurts my Lord and you so
much.

May you enjoy good health and have the happy life at your hometown.

One great sinner

Peter


Today, July 15 I am still unsure whether I will return to the orphanage.
I've had my laser surgery and the results are awesome (so far, so good!).
I've had a physical exam except for an x-ray of my lungs and all tests to
date look great.  But I am tired, emotionally and physically weary, and need
time to recover before I go abroad again. My doctor posed a question to me,
"What can you do to help others while taking care of yourself?"


Pat

Pingguo China 2009 photos can be viewed at
http://picasaweb.google.com/Ms.Pat.Martin/Pingguo#