TheBanyanTree: Isolation

[TLW]

I suppose everyone feels isolated to a certain degree.  I have no good
friends or even family, so sometimes I wonder "if I disappeared, who
would notice?"  But I know wives and parents and lovers who feel the
same way.

Even today, when I have a writing workshop beginning at my home -- I
am cleaning up and finally decorating since moving in 4 months ago --
I wonder what resonates.  I am very aware of what I am doing to Make
an Impression, what I am doing to Make Others Feel Comfortable, and
what is Important to Only Me.  Tough priorities, duking it out.  :-D

Los Angeles is famously superficial.  Deservedly so.  I have little
interest in the superficial, and tend to have deep conversation even
with customers who come through my line at Trader Joe's.  I can tell
by their eyes and interest that it is probably the best conversation
they have had all day.  So many times they leave reluctantly with
their groceries saying, "I really enjoyed our conversation."  And I
think: whut?

 I have one loyal friend here -- Jim.  Who I met five years ago, who
is terminally superficial, cannot talk about anything having to do
with intimacy, spirituality, emotions, fears, vulnerability, or
insight.  Basically, everything that makes life worth living, to me.
I know you don't believe it, but it's true.  We've been to therapy
twice about it, and had many, many conversations -- with only me
talking.  Me and silence.  Very lonely conversations, me and silence.
I get more response and feedback when I talk to myself.

 What he does do, however, is Show Up.  In a town full of famous
flakes, his most redeeming quality is that he Shows Up, dammit, and is
punctual and dependable.  Only in L.A. would this put him at the very,
very top of the People I Know list.  And, although he is shallow, and
has virtually no life experience, and has a tenuous grip on reality at
times (don't we all), no one will ever love me more.  An odd
conundrum.  I knew we met on the 3rd of July, but wasn't sure how long
ago.  Friday I emailed him, "How long ago did we meet today?"  He
replied, "Five years ago.  Only the best day of my life."

How sweet is that?  That is the most intimate, emotional thing he has
ever said to me.  I did a quadruple-take.

One never knows the difference one makes.  From others' point of view.

xoxoSidda