TheBanyanTree: Pleasant Saturday

[Dave]

I'm doing really well lately. I've put a lot of energy into getting off of my Effexor medicine
and trying to be mindful with how all my other damn meds are affecting me. Effexor,
Wilburton, and even Chantrix are all in the same class of medicine that is actually harmful to
me. Doctors can go on and on about what good meds these are but they still affect each person
differently And when I'm on them I'm a dark lunatic bent on hating myself, hurting myself.
killing myself. The worst most painful hateful ways to destroy myself come to mind and I
can't shut them down. Effexor is the hardest antidepressant to withdrawal from. After doing 
this
I think quitting caggies will be less stress than this past month.

Most of the self hate is gone. And the empty depressed part of myself deep in my own core is no
longer empty. I'd like to know the flavor of that life-force sometime. Something to meditate on
when I'm more myself. My core is something I've taken for granted all my life, until it was not
available to me any longer and I missed it so much. The meds mask this energy. I'd rather be
depressed and more myself than to be dulled, hateful, and resembling a robot.

This change has taken a lot out of me. I don't work as hard on my spiritual practice as I once
did. My teacher and I are on indefinite hold. Lately I've been able to reacquaint myself with 
my
spiritual work. Buy books, read, meditate, chant, light candles, observe the full Moon. The
whole doctor change and work in therapy has been difficult. Explaining my history, once again,
after rehashing it so often when I was hospitalized. Sometimes it is easier to distract my
self, or face the future, leaving the past behind tall thick walls where it can be ignored.

I'm also becoming reacquainted with my spouse. Instead of viewing our relationship with
resentment and self pity because it is the only thing between me and suicide, I'm noticing why
I fell in love with Bonz in the first place.

I'm spazzy though. Filled with pent up nervous energy. Watching television or reading can be
really hard. I fidget until finally getting up and wandering the house for something that needs
doing. Some way to work with my hands.

Take care,
Dave