TheBanyanTree: Single

[Margaret R. Kramer]

2/25/05
Love:
 YOU FEEL MY TOUCH EACH AND EVERY DAY!  It comes to you with
love --------therefore it does not have to be in person!
Ray and Geo.

Tomorrow I’m going to change my W-9 or whatever it is from “married” to
“single.”  It’s a life changing step and it’s a money costing step, since
more taxes are taken out of my paycheck for being “single” as opposed to
being “married.”

So I’ll officially be single.  There is not a widowed category.  Or a
divorced category.  Or a just single and alone and I feel kind of unwanted
category.  Or a deserted category.  Or an abandoned category.  Or left alone
to fend for myself category.  Or a something icky category.

I haven’t been single for 22 years.  I was married to my first husband for
11 years and then I was with Ray for 10 years.  Even after Ray died, I had a
boyfriend within eight weeks of his death.

I have a boyfriend, but that’s a minimal commitment.  It’s not like having a
husband.

When my coworkers and I got together after work yesterday, a couple of them
had their husbands meet them at the restaurant.  Ray would have done that,
too, if I would have asked him.  He always enjoyed meeting my friends and
coworkers.  He was at my side when I needed him and he helped me get through
it when I got a social anxiety attack.  I wasn’t single and alone without a
sidekick.

When I was at my son’s ex-girlfriend’s parents’ home for a pre-Christmas
dinner, it was nice to see them working as a team getting the food on the
table.  Ray and I used to do that, too.  We didn’t even have to say anything
to each other, we each knew what our jobs were, and we would coordinate them
together to get the task completed.  It wasn’t just dinner, it was lots of
different things.  Ray and I were a team.  I miss having a teammate.

I could always count on Ray to be interested in going for a drive, a walk,
fishing, a movie, a concert, or hundreds of other different things.  Being
married is like having a permanent social partner whenever I didn’t want to
do something by myself.  Joe and I still negotiate our outings.  Whereas Ray
and I just did them – it was nice to a husband who enjoyed doing the same
things I did.  Now I’m single, and if I want to do something, I have to plan
on doing it by myself if Joe doesn’t want to do it.

I’m now the widowed grandmother, the old one who family members must always
take into account when planning family activities.  I have no husband, no
grandfather sidekick to come with me to family events.  Even though I can
drive myself, the old widowed grandmother’s appearance must be factored in.
It’s a weird way to feel.  The old grandmother has no man to protect her.  I
am alone and kind of old, alone at the top of the generational heap.

Single doesn’t mean I’m a sweet young woman with lots of years ahead.  No, I
’m a single woman with a house and two jobs, two dogs and two cats.  I’m a
grandmother.  My hair isn’t gray.  And I don’t dye it either.  I don’t wear
make-up.  And as Joe says, I have a Coke bottle body, I carry my weight from
my waist down.  I don’t talk a lot.  I worry constantly, but I’m kind of
laid back about most stuff.  I try to pick my battles and so I usually don’t
get upset too much.  Prospects are dim since there are a million of us
“single women” for one “single man” at this age level.

Single.  I don’t like it.  I like married.  I like being married.  I like
having a husband to care for and to worry about and love.  I miss being in
love – the Ray kind of love.  Joe and I are in love, but it’s not the free
and easy kind of love Ray and I had with each other.  Being in love with Ray
was like breathing air.  I did it without thinking about it.  Being in love
with Joe is like wrestling with an alligator all the time.

I hit the jackpot of love once.  Is it possible to win a prize again?  Or
did I use my chance and the type of love I had with Ray is not available to
me anymore?  A speaker for one of our grief sessions said that she dated
after her husband died, but she was unable to find anyone who could love her
like her husband did, so she stopped.  She accepted the status of “single.”

Are there different kinds of love?  Should I expect a Ray kind of love next
time around?  Am I being fair to Joe by expecting him to love me like Ray
did?  Is Joe being fair to me by expecting me to love him like Alice did?

Or is better to be single.  Is it OK to be alone?  Lots of people are and do
just fine.

I’ll find out when I change my tax status to “single” tomorrow.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms
too full to embrace the present.
~Jan Glidewell
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 7.5.552 / Virus Database: 270.10.2/1874 - Release Date: 01/04/2009
4:32 PM