TheBanyanTree: In the Bleak Mid-Winter

[Margaret R. Kramer]

My company has given us this New Year’s Eve day off and what a gift this is!
My day isn’t crowded looking for jobs or doing errands or making Christmas
preparations.  It’s been a simple day, full of freedom and solitude.
Wonderful.

Joe and I took the flower van to Sears to get its thermostat and oil change.
Now it’s toasty warm again.

I went to the gym for the final workout of 2009.  It wasn’t crowded when I
got there, but it was packed by the time I left.  I never work out on New
Year’s Day.  The New Year’s resolutions people are there in full force with
their confusion and over enthusiasm for trying to lose weight and get in
shape.  I know I was clumsy, too, when I started working out, but at least I
started in August when it was much less crowded rather than trying to get a
good start on January 1st.  Fortunately, most of these people will be gone
by the end of February and the gym will be sane again.

A word of advice for people who are planning to start exercise programs on
New Year’s.  Start slowly and take small steps.  You’re not going to lose
all your weight in a week nor are you going to get fit in a week.  It takes
a good three months or more before you begin to see results.  So many people
kill themselves for the first couple of weeks that they quit out of sheer
frustration.  They’re sore and tired.

Try to start with exercising just three days a week.  Gradually build it up
over time.  And then you’ll find you’ll stick with it.  Now, for me,
exercising regularly is like taking a shower, I feel weird when I don’t do
it.  And I’m not thin or gorgeous, but I can sling a wicked snow shovel if I
have to.  All my vitals are normal.  I’m a very healthy person and that’s
what exercise does for you, it makes you healthy, not necessarily
good-looking.

I put my first paycheck in the bank.  And it’s a big one and just for 40
hours.  Oh, it’s so great to make good money.

I really like my new job.  The people I work with are low key, but helpful.
My developer doesn’t make me feel stupid and is encouraging rather than
trying to upstage me, which would happen at my other job.  I had my first
meeting with our client and it went well.  I have more meetings set up next
week.  I’m gradually getting my teeth into the job.

I get up at 4:00 am and I’m at the gym by 5:30 am or so.  I work out and
then drive home.  Joe picks me up and drives me to work.  He’ll pick me up
from work, too.  Some days I take the bus to work.  It’s nice to have so
many transportation options.

I explored the skyways yesterday during lunch and found my gym.  This gym
has a pool and a running track, so I’ll go there sometimes either before or
after work.

I love working downtown and feeling all that energy from so many different
kinds of people while walking through the skyways.  You just don’t get that
out in the suburbs working in an office park.

I stopped at the liquor store and bought three bottles of wine.  I really
don’t drink that much, a glass of wine will do me, but I like wine for some
reason.  I like trying different kinds.  I find the cheap wines are
generally pretty bad, so I’ve moved up a notch.  I’m kind of becoming a wine
collector in a way, not like building a cellar of expensive wines, but
experimenting with different wines and food combinations.  It’s quite
interesting, and I can see why people get hooked into wine tasting and
stuff.

The liquor store I usually go to is an alcoholic liquor store.  The people
get off the bus, grab their booze, and rush out to the bus stop to catch the
next bus.  But, again, I like that energy flow.  I just do my wine thing and
let the alkies go right on by.

I’ve been home alone the entire day.  The boys are with their mom and I’m
not sure where Asher is.  I’m drinking coffee and social networking on the
computer and just thinking about stuff.

I remember when I would take a day off and Ray would go to work at the
store.  I was the wife who was waiting for him when he got home, instead of
the other way around.  It was so nice to sit with him and talk about our
days.  Then we’d split up, he’d go to his computer and I’d go do something
else, and we wouldn’t come back together until dinner.  I enjoyed that
simplicity.
   
I’d love to go for a walk even in this cool weather.  But the sidewalks are
so icy, I don’t dare.  The heavy wet snow we had at Christmas froze on the
streets and sidewalks.  Some sidewalks are so bumpy that I can’t get a good
footing and I worry about falling.  When I was walking to the bus stop
yesterday, I ended up walking the in street because the sidewalks were so
slippery.

It was about this time last year that I began feeling like myself again.
And throughout this year, I found myself gradually getting stronger.  I told
Joe yesterday that this is the first time that I’ve been truly happy since
Ray died.  I got a boyfriend, a good job finally, I don’t need to work the
second job anymore, and I’m going back to myself.

I’m a better self, because I lost my job.  That little 10 week journey was
the best thing that could have happened to me and in a way, I feel bad it
was cut short.  I was learning so much.  I’m quite an introvert by nature,
but I had to learn how to get out there and force myself to talk to people.
And now I find it’s almost like second nature to me.  I’m very comfortable
with my new co-workers, leading meetings about stuff I don’t anything about,
and gaining their respect slowly but surely.

I have a better focus on becoming a good professional.  I don’t ever want to
be so unprepared for a layoff.  I’m working on building my network and
maintaining it whether I’m employed or not.  I’m reaching out to people in
ways I never thought I would.  I’m becoming more mindful.

Over this past year, I met some of the best people ever.  When Ray was
alive, we lived in a cocoon and focused so much on each other.  For me, Ray
was the ultimate person.  Well, he’s not here now, and I’m not going to give
up and have endless pity parties, so I’m learning to make friends again.
And, boy, I’ve met some good ones.

So, 2009 which started so awkwardly for me is melting into 2010 and I feel
so much more like myself again.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com
www.linkedin.com/in/margaretkramer

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is
softer and more beautiful.  
-Norman Vincent Peale