TheBanyanTree: Labor Day

[Margaret R. Kramer]

2/14/99
My pretty Lady:
     As each day goes by I love you more, I cannot think of the many ways
that I love you.  Sometimes when you are asleep I watch you, and then think
how LUCKY I am to be in love with you.  Even though I do not always say
sweet things to you, I love you more and more as the days go by.
     You are so thoughtful about doing things for me, and then I don’t even
send you a valentine card.  I guess I will have to change that part of my
life with you.  But as we go through life together I enjoy each one more.
     When you get up each morning and see the sky remember that I love you
more this day.

     Ray
     “The Old Fart”

It’s been six months since Ray died.  I’m still in the throes of grief.  It’
s better than it was, but every once in a while, out of the blue, the grief
washes over me and I become hysterical with tears.  Sometimes I wail like a
wounded cat.  It’s awful.

It’s amazing how tightly wound the bond is between husband and wife.  When
the bond snaps, it’s horrific for the person who remains.  I don’t say quite
as often, “I hate my life.”  Or “I want to die and be with Ray.”  Those
feelings still manifest themselves, but those intense incidents are fewer
and farther between.

My son and boys are still with me.  It’s good having them with me.  It’s
nice to chat with the boys about their day, their friends, and what they’re
doing.  School starts tomorrow, so they’re getting early showers and will go
to bed at a reasonable time.  Summer is screeching to a halt for them.  But
they’re young and are actually looking forward to going to school.

However, at the same time, I’m ready for them to move on.  I want my house
back for myself.  I want quiet alone time.  We’ll have to see what happens
as time goes on.

And, yes, I still have my boyfriend.  Outside of the grief for Ray, I have
my boyfriend, who is grieving, too, although he won’t admit it, and does odd
things because of his grief, and his emotions shift up and down so quickly,
I can barely keep up.

He’s not like Ray, who was steady as she goes, and he’s certainly not quiet
like Ray.  Joe’s jabber mouth, but we have some wonderful conversations as
our words weave in and out together.  He’s a talker and not much of a doer.
He thinks, but does not execute.  Is it the grief?  Has he always been this
way?  I see glimmers of activity from time to time, which gives me hope he
isn’t as lifeless as my first husband.

So Joe and I maintain this volatile relationship, breaking up, falling in
love again, and then breaking up once more.  It’s up and down, around the
bend, and falling off of a curve, but I’m getting used to it and I find
myself less likely to over-react to his mood shifts as we see each other
more.

I’m still working two jobs and it’s hell.  My job duties have changed in my
primary job and I am more visible to our client and our upper management.  I
spend more time actually working than I ever have before.

My second job is mindless, doing phone surveys, which is OK.  But I don’t
get off until 10:30 pm and by the time I get off of the phone with Joe, and
settle down to sleep, it’s 11:30 or midnight.  But I’m adjusting to this
crazy schedule.  I have money in my pocket and my bills are paid.  That’s
the important thing.

Joe and I drove down to Lake Pepin today for our first out-of-town outing.
It was hot and humid, but we kept the car’s air conditioning running.  We
drove on the Wisconsin side of the Mississippi River.  That route is
considered one of the most scenic drives in the USA and it certainly was.
It was kind of like a mini-Sturgis with motorcycles flying by us constantly.

We also drove through the outer security perimeter of downtown St. Paul and
saw police officers and security all over the place.  My town, St. Paul, is
hosting the Republican National Convention, and I’m so proud of how it’s all
decked out, looking so red, white, and blue.

Now official summer is at an end.  It’s been a crappy summer for me, with
working two jobs, having a rock and roll relationship, and missing my
husband more than I can ever say.  Where is he?  Ray’s here all around me,
but it’s not the same as his body to hold and hug and kiss.  I just have to
wait until it’s my time to go and be with him.

The only perk I’ve had since Ray died is that I’ve lost weight and I look
pretty darn good.  Thanks to tanning beds and getting a little sun time, I’m
a deep rich brown.  I’m done tanning now, so I’ll fade back into my pasty
white.

Well, Labor Day is over, and my free-of-labor day is over, too, so tomorrow,
as the boys go back to school, I’m going back to work twice.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com
www.polarispublications.com

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of
life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they
continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive.  It
is as though they were traveling abroad.  ~Marcel Proust
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