TheBanyanTree: The Great Grape Nuts Debate of 2008

[Monique Colver]

 Warning: If you have an illogical fear of breakfast cereal, you may not
want to read any further.

                The waiting room of our local medical facility, at least the
waiting room of my primary care doctor, is a hotbed of political activism
and conspiracy theories. This is no doubt due to the extended wait time some
of us are subjected to, time that we use constructively to dissect the news
of the day and reach our own conclusions. Less than a month ago the talk was
of politics and some sort of election, and the conspiracy theorists on both
sides abounded. The friendly women at the reception desk were not above
taking part, and often would throw out a seemingly innocuous comment with
the hopes of arousing some sort of conversation other than, "I'm here to see
Dr. Hacksaw," or "Can I get a flu shot?" They might, while checking in a
patient who appears perfectly rational, throw out a comment like, "That left
(or right) wing conspiracy is going to ruin this country," and the patient
would react predictably in one of two ways, depending on their political
affiliation. They could start foaming at the mouth while forcing out words
about the ineptitude of the other side, they could gesticulate wildly and
with abandon, they could say something like, "And it's people like you
who've ruined the United States for the rest of us!" When this type was
finally ushered into the little rooms in the back, their blood pressure
would be found dangerously high. They might be given diuretics in the hopes
this would help, or, if they were of the wrong political persuasion, the
doctor might be inclined to just view it as another deficit of that
political group.

                The other reaction would be preceded by a broad smile as the
patient realizes they're in the company of like-minded individuals, and as
they began to enthuse over the absolute correctness of the speaker's view,
other patients would agree, or disagree, with the end result being the same:
increased blood pressure of all participants. Pre-election, prescriptions of
blood pressure medications skyrocketed.

                One day a fight broke out, elderly liberals swinging canes
and running their walkers over the toes of elderly conservatives, while
young conservatives issued challenges to "let's take this outside," to
confused liberals of all ages. The Independents stood back, hoping to avoid
bodily damage in the melee.

                But now the election is over, and as I sat in the waiting
room on a day in late November, the atmosphere was particularly calm. Until
one of the receptionists decided it was far too quiet. Perhaps she missed
the excitement of the earlier debates. Perhaps she was just bored. Whatever
it was, she issued what could only be construed as a challenge: "I love
Grape Nuts."

                Well. The patient she was checking in could not let that go
unchallenged. "They're too hard for me," he said, "I don't like them."

                "You know, if you put some skim milk in them and microwave
them for 20 seconds, they get all soft and warm." (This is true, I've tried
it.)

                "But they still taste like Grape Nuts."

                "You didn't say you didn't like the taste. You said you
didn't like the texture."

                "I meant I don't like the taste."

                A woman waiting in line chimed in, "I love Grape Nuts.
They're so crunchy."

                "I don't care about crunchy, I just wish they had fruit in
them."

                "You can put fruit in them."

                "I like my cereal to already have fruit."

                "Can't you just slice a banana into them?"

                "I could, but I still don't like them."

                By this time a crowd was starting to form around the
reception desk. I was glad I'd already been checked in. My husband was
oblivious, since he had his earphones in so he could listen to music from
his phone. Later I'll talk about how my phone can do everything I could
possibly want in a phone and how, occasionally, should an emergency arise, I
can even use it to make telephone calls, though that's certainly not its
primary reason for being.

                "I like to put blueberries on my Grape Nuts," a newcomer
chimed in.

                "And they're good anti-oxidants," someone else said.

                "They're still too crunchy," came from the front of the
crowd, or the back, it was getting hard to tell.

                "That's why you put milk in and microwave them," another
voice cried out.

                "I just like corn flakes. Grape Nuts are like little rocks."

                "But they're so good for you. Especially if you put fruit in
too."

                "But not if you heat them up. Then fruit isn't good."

                The group divided into two opposing factions, those who
thought Grape Nuts a refreshing breakfast treat, with or without fruit, and
those who considered Grape Nuts the insane invention of a big business
conspiracy designed to illustrate the sheep-like tendencies of the American
populace. I watched avidly. I'd avoided taking part since it was obvious
that some of the participants, some of whom were quite elderly, had
formidable upper body strength and carried canes.

                And then my name was called, and I had to leave. If I'd
stayed to watch I'd have lost my appointment time, so I had to leave the
excitement, much to my chagrin. I'm not sure what happened after that, but
when I emerged half an hour later (my blood pressure having been quite
reasonable), the crowd was gone. Two armed security guards were by the door,
and all the patients were sitting in chairs pushed up against the walls. No
one was looking at anyone else, and I heard nothing of Grape Nuts, or any
breakfast cereal at all. It was eerily quiet, free speech having been
stifled in the interest of patient health.

                I would have to decide the relative merits of Grape Nuts
myself. The next morning I got up and asked, "Do we have any Grape Nuts?"

                My husband said, "What?"

                "Do we have Grape Nuts?"

                "No, why?"

                "I want some."

                "We don't have any."

                So I settled for something that was not Grape Nuts. It
wasn't nearly as satisfying as Grape Nuts, but I added extra milk so it all
worked out.

-- 
Monique Colver