TheBanyanTree: The WP-Engendered Turpitude of Wozland

[Woofie]

Hello rejects,

A few years ago in the glaring heat of summer (it is almost always the
glaring heat of summer in Wozland), I was hunched against a fence,
trying to get what shade I could, while my friend, Val, fired off some
rounds at a target.

All of a sudden she let out this terrible, strangled scream of agony.

Thanking my lucky stars that my first aid qualification was up to
date, I leapt to her assistance...Had she shot herself? Had her gun
exploded (yes folks, guns do have a habit of exploding under certain
conditions)?............

To tell this story, we must back track 10 years ago...

Ten years ago, my friend, WP, the Full Moon Warrior Princess (let's
just call her WP, cuz  anything else is too much to type!) decided to
invade Wozland. WP lives in a very odd area of Amerca called TOC
(short for The Other California). TOC is inundated with thousands of
pickup trucks  driven by white cowboy hats. I have been told that
there are very short Mexican farmers under those hats, but not having
seen any, I do not believe it. I am convinced that TOC breeds and
crops white cowboy hats which are capable of driving pickup trucks.
Yes well..anyways...WP invaded Wozland. She decided that Wozland,
which has the most remote city in the whole world, was in need of some
of her Mercan culture.

She arrived.

The Spouse, dear simple Wozland male that he is, could not take his
eyes off her fingers. Suspecting some sort of middle age perversion
had reared its head on his part, I checked out her paws. She had
fingernails, folks! Long fingernails, folks...they were incredible!
Such long fingernails were only previously found on venerable Chinese
gentlemen in China in the days when Chinese men wore pigtails and
their wives had bound feet!

On asking how she managed to grow such magnificent claws, she informed
me that they were synthetic! My goodness! Who had ever heard of such a
thing? Oh well..things are different in the civilised world;)

Alhough managing to finally accept this odd Amercan fetish of long
fingernails, I was not prepared for the unearthly scream from the WP
one day...

"I've broken a fingernail!" she wailed, "I need to get it repaired!"

What to do, folks? This was a catastrophe! Not only had the WP broken
a fingernail, but she was gradually fading before my eyes! Obviously
plastic fingernails are sort of like Kryptonite to Amercans. If they
break their plastic fingernails, they lose their strength and start
shrinking and fading away!

Unfortunately the Woofess was no help in a crisis like this..she could
spell the words manicure and beautician, but she had never made the
acquaintance of either. Fortunately the WP was made of sterner (or
maybe more desperate?) stuff as she managed to locate a technician who
was able to make some temporary running repairs on said fingernail
until the WP arrived back in Amerca...

Fast forward a few years later to the strangled scream of Val...

Suspecting she had done herself a serious injury, I came bounding up
to her side, ready to put into practice all my first aid skills:

"What's happened," I asked her, ready to put her into the recovery
position and tend to her injuries.

"I've broken a fingernail!" she wailed.

Good grief! What had the WP started?! Until her invasion, Wozland
females were perfectly content with short, functional fingernails.
Alas, no longer...the WP had polluted Wozland fillies with acrylic
polymer, which had spread its tendrils into every pathway of the
fillies's grey matter. Not only did they want long claws, they wanted
them painted with fancy designs and colours.  Now it is impossible to
meet a Wozland filly without being totally fixated by the artwork of
their synthetic fore and hind claws!

Well..if all this was not enough, the WP decided that Wozland needed a
second invasion..actually I think she was on a mission to see how
effective her pollution and brainwashing of Wozland fillies had been!

Yes well...wotever...I trots out to the airport to meet the WP and see
to her luggage etc. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that not
only had the WP arrived, but that she had brought a friend with her -
Shirley.

I was thinking how nice it was that WP had kindly invited a good
friend to share her travel experiences...well..that was until I found
out Shirley's occupation...

Wait for it, folks!!

Shirley is a manicurist!!

Obviously, not trusted the skills of Wozland beauticians....

THE WP HAD BROUGHT HER OWN PERSONAL MANICURIST WITH HER!!!!

Well, all I can say is that it was a very good thing, because the
first morning after the WP's arrival I was rudely awoken by a
terrifying, gutteral, tortured scream of agony:

"I've broken  a fingernail!"

W:)
PS..I was waiting till I got myself organised to stick up pics...but I
still have not stuck up pics of the invasion, but I promise to so do,
soon:)




  

-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie                          mailto:woofie at woofess.com

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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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