TheBanyanTree: It Hurt

[Sheri Baity]

There are alot of people with cancer in these neck of the woods lately.  The majority of them are not going to make it.  It's really scary for me because I just got over cancer.  But as I've told so many and as I believe, I was one of the lucky ones.  I survived!
 
The doc told me that if I didn't get the surgery, it would be a death sentence for me when it goes into my glandes and lymph nodes and basically choke me off.  So with the help of so many dear friends and family, I got the surgery and feel like a new person again.
 
I found out at my last docs appt that I had two types of cancer, one was agressive and the other was non-agressive.  But he assured me that they were both successfully removed and I'm cancer free.
 
When I first found out that I had it, I was doing good mentally.  Then people got to talking to me and told me just how much I SHOULD be scared.  And then I became scared and worried and terrified.  Power of words can really mess with ones mind if they allow it to, and I did.
 
My ex that I live with didn't have much to say about this all.  I felt like I didn't have his support in this.  The one person that I needed the most was so emotionally unconnected and it hurt.  But, I got through it.
 
There are still alot of things that I'm sorting out through this journey.  I've learned so many lessons along the way and wouldn't trade them for the world.  I'm feeling very blessed.  But there are some things that I can't get sorted out and like the cancer itself, I feel that if I can't get a grip on it, it will disease me for a long time to come.
 
G (my ex) and I were talking about some of the people the other day that only have a matter of monthes to live.  They are young, very prominent in the community in many ways and it seems like such a loss.  Being in the dairy farm, we have dealt with a couple of them and can't see going through another season of crops and animals without them.  He's actually showing his sadness for them as well as I.
 
Then I say to him, "Why is there so much cancer around us here?  This is supposed to be good fresh farm air and living?  I thank God everyday that I was one of the lucky ones!"
 
Then he says to me, "Yea, but you weren't really sick.  You didn't have tumors in your brain or your lungs or anything serious like that.  You really can't compare."
 
True... he is correct... but for some reason... THAT REALLY HURT ME!
 
I guess this is where a new lesson yet to be learned comes in to play.  First I have to figure out, Why that hurt me.  Then I have to figure out if it is even anything worth dealing with or do I just try and whoosh it out of my head completely, brush it off and go on?  This has left me with guilt of feeling like I had no right to be scared or I had no right to cry or worry.  Guilt of, I should not have accepted help from others because I was in no grave danger.  My mind is just in a whirlwind of thoughts and I can't stop the spinning long enough to get a grasp.
 
I'm hurt and I don't know if I have the right to feel hurt.
 
It's finally raining here today... maybe through Creator's shower I will be able to cleanse this mess down the drain.  Or maybe... just maybe since I wrote this, I will be able to release it now...
 
Maybe...
 
Sheri Crow Woman Baity
 
 
 
 
 


Sheri L Baity
Pro Staff Lohman/Mad Game Calls
Flambeau Outdoors

God Give Me Peace because if you give me strength, I might beat someone do death!