TheBanyanTree: locusts, potentially

[Julie Anna Teague]

The partner, bless his heart (and I say that as I would say it to 
someone who means well but is getting on my last nerve all the same), 
sees doom and gloom for this outdoor backyard wedding. I know I tend to 
be irritatingly optimistic sometimes, but come on people, it doesn't 
rain every day of the year in Indiana, and there's a perfectly good 
chance it won't rain on June 7th. But he foresees rain. And mud. He 
always mentions mud, as if the deluge will be so great the very lawn 
itself will wash away down to topsoil. And rain it could be--I'm well 
aware of that--and that is why I reserved the God Awful Giant (GAG) 
tent, just in case.

Next it was the septic. I've already spent too much valuable space in 
the blog-o-sphere discussing my septic system, but suffice it to say 
that even though I found the lid (at the cost of upper back pain which 
continues to this day), dug out the lid, and had the septic system 
serviced, he is still convinced it will fail. I can but sigh.

Yesterday he decided that the location of the tent and dining tables is 
all wrong. The ground is too uneven. Havoc will prevail. It will not do 
to have the tables there, and they should be placed on a) the driveway 
or b) the hideous upper part of the yard on the other side of the 
driveway where we have our storage sheds and a lot of stuff like a 
giant metal break, some old tires, a rotting car top carrier, tomato 
cages, some old blue tarps, the compost pile, and other utter crap, all 
littered around on sparse, half-dead grass and some scraggly trees. 
It's flat, though. This plan does not meet with my approval on so many 
levels that I was left speechless at his suggestion. Not to mention 
that I have so much sweat equity in the part of the yard we use for 
enjoyment, the part of the yard that is green and lush and surrounded 
by gardens, the part which I have been breaking my back to make 
beautiful, partly for the wedding and partly because this is what I do 
every year, a labor of love.

The ground is somewhat uneven in the spot we would need to put the GAG 
tent, but not so uneven that mom is going to fall off her chair or 
anything. There are flatter areas where we can seat the elderly or 
infirm. We can pass out shims to everyone as they come in. Here's a 
flower...and a shim for your chair leg. Instead of having a bouquet 
toss, we'll just let the single women catch a centerpiece as it slides 
off the table. I did not make these suggestions out loud. I didn't 
think it would help difuse the situation. I had to put my foot down but 
I did it in a nice way, because I am hell bent on family harmony 
throughout this process. I listened patiently to his suggestions, and 
to my credit I did not scream, "Are you nuts?!" which, honestly, was 
the first thing that came to mind after I regathered my wits. "What 
will you think of next," I very briefly considered saying but kept my 
smartie pants mouth shut, "plague of locusts?" I'm not going to 
celebrate my nuptials out by the compost pile. I'm just not. Outdoor 
wedding--it's been done before, folks, on uneven surfaces.

Julie