TheBanyanTree: I don't nelieeeeeeeeeeeeeeve it!

[Woofie]

Hello nutters,

  There have been a number of "I don't belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve it!"
  episodes in the Woof's life (thanks to "One Foot in the Grave" for
  inspiration).

  This week's one was a humdinger! As you all may know, I have had an
  ongoing war with our federal Quarantine dudes. They are always
  opening every parcel addressed to me from overseas, which has
  organic matter, such as seeds in it. Apparently, through no fault
  of my own, I have been stuck on their hit list. And, so I have been
  told, once you are on their hit list, you are on it for life. There
  is NO way to get off it!

  What is doubly annoying is that I have always been law abiding,
  despite great temptations to the contrary. What is triply annoying
  is that Quarantine stop me from having stuff wot is readily
  available in our supermarkets, such as Great Northern White Beans.
  These are imported into Australia from the US. However, moi, as a
  lowly citizen, is not allowed to have them posted to me. When I
  grumbled to the Spouse about this (he has work dealings with
  Quarantine), he said:

  "Oh, but they irradiate those beans before they are sold in
  supermarkets. Radiation sterilises them and stops them from
  germinating! "

  "Oh yeah?" I replies calmly.

  I said nothing more, but stuck some of those US beans on some damp
  paper towelling...a few days later, healthy green shoots appeared...

  "They are irradiated, eh?" I sez to Spouse, "Funny how they have
  all germinated then!"

  Then there was the saga of Chinese garlic. For a while all we could
  buy in the stores was these horrible white and tasteless garlic
  bulbs from China.

  "Ain't no way I is buying them!" I snorted, "I have visited rural
  farms in China and you do NOT want to know what they use for
  fertilizer!"

  "Oh, but they are all sterilized by placing in a bleach solution,"
  I was assured.

  "BALLS!!" I snorted.

  Once again the Great Woofess was proven right...that was when they
  found about all the e coli on them garlic bulbs:)

  So, even though I was allus proven right and Quarantine Dept wrong,
  they still had it in for me. Recently they have become even more
  obstreperous - in fact their obstreperousness  was in direct
  proportion to their embarrassment over the great horse flu epidemic
  of last September. They got really caught out on that little
  episode wot caused our racing and other horse industries billions
  of dollars.

  Wotever, I blame me latest outbreak of paranoid schizophrenia on
  the bleedin Quarantine dudes! It was like this....

  A few weeks ago me beloved Gerber boning knife snapped off at the
  base while I was attempting to mutilate a pumpkin. This was really
  shocking - Gerber are supposed to have a good name, but this knife
  was crap..the base was a narrowed shank of steel embedded in the
  plastic handle. No wonder it broke!

  Suffering a severe attack of boning knife withdrawal symptoms, I
  trotted off to that purveyor of great panaceas, eBay! I managed to
  get meself a damascened Shun boning knife:
  http://www.marketwarehouse.com/mh0702.html

  Now..I waited and waited, but that knife did not arrive. Querying
  the seller, I found that the knife was held up on the eastern side
  of Ozland.

  "They must think it is a weapon or summat," opined the Spouse.

  "Oh, for goodness sake," I muttered, "The govt must be thinking I
  am gonna run amok and commit mass slaughter with it or summat!"

  Well..we were both wrong!

  It finally arrived this week with that well-known yellow and black
  sticker tape over it which said "Inspected by Quarantine"!

  "Eh??????????????????!!"

  Inside were some Quarantine pamphlets about what could be posted to
  Orstralia and also this little note:

  "This item was inspected by Quarantine Dept because it appeared
  there might be something inside which interested us.... However, on
  inspection it was found to be OK.."

  Bleedin Nora!! What the heck would be in a stainless steel knife
  that could possibly breach quarantine laws?!!!

  Absolutely nothing! They are just out to get me!!!

  Well, feeling an attack of incipient paranoia coming on, today I
  decided it was time to visit me favrit quack for a top up of anti
  insanity pills.

  In his waiting room was a new crop of the walking dead. I dunno
  where he gets them from...this lot were possibly worse than
  previous lots. I often wonder if he has some sort of deal going
  with one of them movie FX companies..ones wot supply monsters and
  zombies etc for film sets..and he hires them for a nominal fee.
   Now, iffen you was actually sick your
  prolly wouldn't notice all the gasping, wheezling and sniffling
 film extras sitting next to you..but..when you not sick, just insane,
 they are quite unpleasant. Trying to distract meself from their
 gristly countenances I looked at all the notices onna  wall. There
 was a new one added since I was last there. This one informed you
 that physical or verbal abuse would not be tolerated.

 Anyways, when it was my turn I marched into his office and announced:

 "I need some lovin' Doc!"
 He took a nervous step backwards and I said:

 LOVAN!, not "lovin" dammit!"

 I then complained about the ban on abuse.

 "Ain't I allowed to abuse you no more?" I asked.

 "No..it doesn't apply to you," he explained, "In fact, would you
 like me to get them to add "except you" at the bottom of the notice?"

 "Hmmph..that's OK then," I said, somewhat mollified.

 Having ascertained that I needed an Rx for anti nutter pills and not
 an amorous tangle on his examination couch, he chatted away to me
 and asked me what I was planning to do on the weekend. Never having
 lied to me doc, I was nervous about telling him the truth, so I said
 "Shooting" and then hurriedly added "Housework because one of me
 good friends in the US is coming to visit.."

 I thought I had distracted him about the shooting stuff, cuz guns is
 socially unacceptable in Orstralia. However, he latched on to
 shooting and the fire of enthusiasm lit up in his eyes. I told him
 about the ex bank safe I had been offered to store all our toys. He
 wondered about someone stealing said safe etc. I explained that the
 safe weighed almost a ton and so no one was gonna lift it too
 easily. I had to explain this simply, cuz, being a doc type,
 comprehension of such concepts as mass and weight are a bit beyond
 him.

 Well..we hadda great convo about shooting sports and costs etc and I
 has invited him to the range to play with our toys:)

 As I was leaving he mused:

 "You know..its' odd, when I find out what my patients get up
to...hmmm..I better treat you with respect in future!"

"Yeah!" I replied darkly, "Doan mess with me!"

I was about to add:

"They doan call me Dirty Harriet fer nothing, you know!"

...but I think he had already got the message<G>
W:)
-- 
"ards,
 Woofie                          mailto:woofie at woofess.com

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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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