TheBanyanTree: I'm Eighteen and I Don't Know What I Want

[Margaret R. Kramer]

My co-worker’s 17 year old daughter has gone off her rocker this summer.
She’s actually his granddaughter, but he and his current wife adopted her
when she was two, because his biological daughter couldn’t take care of her.
His daughter’s/granddaughter’s father was killed in a car accident at that
time, so Glen and his wife stepped in and adopted her.

Anyway, years passed and now this young lady is 17 years old and out of
control.  She hits and punches and pushes them around until his wife locks
herself in the bathroom to stay safe.  She’s destroyed their home by
throwing and breaking things.

She spent a week in a psych ward.  She’s been to psychiatrists and
psychologists.  She’s been given pills to “straighten her out.”  Nothing
works.

Glen and his wife, Val, have discovered that their daughter has been on
MySpace, stating she’s nineteen, and then sneaking out of the house to have
sex with different guys.

They never had any trouble with her until this summer.  What gives?

Finally, after calling the police several times to their home, they pressed
charges and had her taken away to juvenile detention.  She was on 36 hour
hold.  The hearing was last Friday and Glen didn’t come to work, so I’m not
sure what happened.

I wish I could offer him some advice, but I don’t what to tell him.  My son
did a free fall when he turned 16, although without the violence, and
nothing we did worked.  He kept falling until he hit something hard and then
started turning things around when he was around 25 years old.

I know from when I went through it with my son, there isn’t a lot of support
for parents with incorrigible children.  I think the most difficult thing
for me was admitting my son was an alcoholic, I knew he was drinking back
then, but I thought it was just a phase a lot of kids go through with booze.
I didn’t realize or allowed myself to realize this kid was really addicted
to the stuff.  If I could have admitted that, then I could have gone forward
with maybe a better plan of action.

I would guess that Glen’s daughter, since her personality has changed so
much, is also in the throes of booze or drugs.  Neither Glen nor his wife
drink much, and I don’t drink either, so it’s really hard to admit your kid
is “using” when you don’t use and never have very much.   It’s hard to
understand if you’re not an addict yourself.

It’s amazing to me how some kids glide through adolescence with barely a
scratch and other kids suffer through it like it was the plague.  I
suffered, but other than some experimentation with booze, my suffering was
more of a personal angst and suicidal tendencies not powered by drug usage.
I was a loner and being a loner is not a good thing to be when you’re a
teenager.

My son was good-looking, popular, smart, and athletic, everything I was not,
but adolescence caught him by the tail and didn’t let go.  His junior and
senior years in high school were awful.  I spent many sleepless nights
wondering where he was and what he was doing.  We took the door off of his
room, took away his TV, back then kids didn’t have cell phones, they had
pagers, so we took that away, and we revoked his driver’s license.  We
grounded him, we took away other privileges, went to therapy, and the list
goes on, but nothing worked.

If I had another kid going through the same thing, I know I would be better
prepared, more aware that help isn’t out there for parents besieged by their
children, and I would be tougher right away instead of waiting for things to
play out.

I try not to give Glen too much advice; he’s getting enough from everyone
else.  I keep saying, “You have to be safe in your own house.  It’s OK to
call the cops and have her locked up.  You don’t want her to hurt you or
your wife.”  Glen is 65 years old and his wife is 59.  They’ve raised their
children, Glen had three children and Val had two, they don’t need this.  I
was 39-40 years old when I went through it and it drained everything out of
me.

Whew.

I always wished there was an island or an isolated area where we could put
these children until they were responsible enough to live among adults.  But
there isn’t such a place.  We’re stuck with them until they straighten
themselves out or something straightens them out.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net
margaret.kramer at polarispublications.com

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can
steal.
~Author Unknown