TheBanyanTree: a few little words

[Laura]

I'm in limbo.  I feel disconnected, disjointed, apart from the rest of the world.  I have no 
effect on the world around me.  I can no longer contact the physical world.  Friends call, I 
don't answer the phone.  Friends and family email, I don't answer.  I am able to read, and 
even smile, or frown as appropriate, but I can't bring myself to write back.  I'm stuck in a 
giant pool of invisible treacle, slowly sinking because I can't rouse myself enough to swim.

For months we've been in waiting mode.  Waiting for those few words that could change our 
lives.  Nothing so major as severe illness, or death, just a possible job change.  But until we 
know, there is nothing we can do.  I can't start any of the projects on the property, because if 
we move they are not going to be done, or will be done differently.  I can't really even do 
simple things like paint, because if we move, the color palette will be different.  If we move, 
I'll have to search for places closer to the new home for classes for my kids.  If we move, I'll 
have to find a new dentist to deal with my painful crowns and broken teeth.  If we move, I'll 
have to find a new doctor to keep me supplied with the meds that allow me to have a 
"normal" life.  If we move, we'll have to buy and sell houses.  If we move, we'll have to have 
a new mortgage, one probably larger than the one we have now.  I seem to spend my days 
planning for "if we move", because if we don't move, things go on as they have for years, 
but I can't even plan for that, because I don't know if we'll be here.

I feel muddle-headed, foggy, stuffed full of cotton.

Somehow, inbetween the what-ifs, I have to continue to function.  I still have to shop, cook, 
and clean.  I seem to manage to go through the motions as if I've been progammed.  I'll 
start to do one thing, and discover myself doing something else, with no memory of finishing 
the first thing.

What I really want to do is sit, very still and quiet, and stare into space until we are 
contacted, and hear those few little words that could change our lives forever.

-- 
Laura
wolfljsh at gmail.com
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