TheBanyanTree: Heart Beat

[paul]

[just resending... was posted to the admin address]


-----Original Message-----
From: mailman-bounces at listserver.dreamhost.com
[mailto:mailman-bounces at listserver.dreamhost.com] On Behalf Of maria
gibson
Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 6:04 AM
To: thebanyantree-owner at lists.remsset.com
Subject: Heart Beat


Playing out for the fourth day, the most complicated relationship of
my life.  I haven't seen him in more than five months.  Tattooed,
pierced man I met last year.  I knew.  I knew that I could love him; I
didn't think I would at the time; now I can't stop.  I don't want to.

Many times over these past near six months I've wished I could.  My
heart has been laid open on so many occasions, I have been hurt to the
core and yet somewhere within me I couldn't give up on him.  I have
been looked at as if I have two heads.  Who does this?  Who is willing
to continue loving when the loving is so painful?  This is the look on
the faces who wonder why I haven't yet given up.  Sometimes the face
has been in the mirror.  Still, I have loved him and it has grown into
the deepest love I have ever known.  This has taught me unconditional
love; it has shown me a capacity within me I didn't know was in here.
I love him enough to want what is best for him even if it isn't me and
I don't know if it is or not.  I have learned a lot about myself as
knowing him has changed me, changed my life.  He changed my life from
the inside out and I'd never want it changed back even as I bleed all
over the floor.  Bleeding is ok; sometimes I need to bleed just to
know I'm alive.

This man's life has been incredibly difficult.  At times of his own
choosing, at times slamming him to the ground without provocation.  My
life has taken twists and turns and been wrung out, laid to dry in the
sun.  It has been of my own choosing lest I let circumstances just
mosey without provocation.  I couldn't live like that.  I chose not to
anymore.  We are not as different as it would seem from the outside
looking in.  We are often doing the same thing for different reasons.

We don't bring always out the best in one another.  There are elements
of romance novels I read as a young girl.  Confused woman meets
handsome man who is even more confused.  The love is near immediate
and difficult, the passion is consuming.  Leaving geographically,
leaving emotionally; alwaysalwaysalways loving no matter how far apart
and no matter how many mistakes made in between.  I haven't made it to
the last three chapters yet and I'm not sure what they contain and
frankly, Scarlet, I do give a good goddamn as to the ending.  Tears
stain the pages and it is a rockin' page-turner.  I don't know if
there is a sequel.

And now we spend the moments together not knowing what the next one
brings.  Patience is a virtue but has never been mine and yet that is
what it will take to know if this is something that can go beyond what
is here in this moment.  We have spent each of the past three nights
sleeping together, just sleeping.  Sometimes using only an inch of the
bed, curled around one another.  Other times back-to-back and as far
away as sewn material will physically allow, not speaking.  My heart
is lighter for seeing him, for knowing he is ok on a daily basis.  My
heart is lighter to have touched him and kissed him.  My heart is
lighter to have him want to see me, talk to me.  The talking has been
good; sporadic as that is the only way it can be withstood when the
words are so desperately raw.  I want to be as close to him as
possible and it hasn't been my choice that we haven't been.  My heart
hurts and my physical need of him grows.  It is excruciating to be
that close and not touch him in ways I have before but that he feels
isn't right, right now not only for us but for himself.  Patience may
never have been my virtue but I have learned a lot about it.  The
choice wasn't mine but I know it's the one that is best.  If a place
is never reached where common ground is all that's left, there will
have been the protection of not opening up physical body; soul has a
swinging door and has never stopped moving but the part ruled by the
physical will have been protected.  In the end it may be the only
saving grace for soul.   Then again, it may be ever sweeter for the
wait and will have been worth whatever amount of time it takes to get
to that place.

We'll just have to wait and see.

Maria