TheBanyanTree: An Apple A Day

[Monique]

I've taken to eating an apple a day, an organic apple straight from an
organic farm. I slice it and take it to work, and I munch on it while
performing my workly duties. It is said that an apple a day keeps the doctor
away. This has puzzled me for quite some time. Before I had taken to eating
an apple a day I was not having a problem with doctors accosting me on the
street on a daily basis, and it's not as if I seek out their company. (There
is history to this, unfortunately. The last time I did my patiently duty and
went to a doctor willingly and perfectly healthy, said doctor decided it was
necessary to cut into me and remove things. By the end of it, I felt as I
had been part of some gruesome magic trick gone awry, the
cutting-the-woman-in-half trick having taken a decidedly wrong turn
somewhere around my lower regions.) 

 

And if one is accosted on the street by a doctor, does one take the magic
apple and lob it at him or her? In this case, I would think it much better
to have several apples on hand, in case the first one misses, so one can lob
yet again and again until the hapless physician gets the message. Would one
apple be sufficient to drive said doctor away?

 

Be that as it may, since my apple eating habits have begun I have not yet
been accosted by a doctor, either an MD or a PhD, at all, so either it is
working, and an apple a day does keep the doctor away, or life is proceeding
just as it did before I began consuming so many apples. 

 

My question today is, what sort of fruit does one consume in order to avoid
the dentist? I fear I have one stalking me, and since my fear of dentists
far exceeds my fear of physicians (the possibility of being cut in half
again not one that keeps me up nights), and if I could find an effective
deterrent, all would be right with my world again.

 

Perhaps stalking is too strong of a word. It often is, though sometimes it's
not nearly strong enough. Several years ago I visited a dentist in his
office on a whim. That, and I had a tooth problem that needed immediate
attention. They attended to my immediate problem, we discussed the need for
extensive repairs in the future, we scheduled a cleaning, and that was that.
That was that, because I cancelled the cleaning soon afterwards and ever
since have been delaying the need for extensive repairs, which I'm sure will
mean the repairs will be even more extensive than first anticipated, seeing
as how I have continued to use my teeth on a pretty much daily basis ever
since (hard to eat those apples without using one's teeth, after all). I had
no dental insurance, so I said it was necessary.

 

I now have dental insurance. As if sensing this fact, the dentist's office
called me yesterday and said I was due for a cleaning. I hated to tell them
that I was actually due for a cleaning a year ago, and that their follow-up
system is lagging a bit behind, but perhaps they found themselves out of
willing victims and had to start looking in the archives for others to drag
in. I put them off, I said I had just gotten insurance and I had to check
with it to see who was covered under my plan. (By who, I mean dentists, not
me, obviously I'm covered.) 

 

That, and this dentist is now way on the other side of the metropolis from
me. That's because I moved, not the dentist, so it's all my fault, and I
would never blame the dentist for such a thing. That, and I'm looking for a
dentist who advertises extensive babying of difficult patients, a dentist
who wants nothing more than to make my time in the chair happy and relaxed,
even if it means making me unconscious for a simple cleaning. (I see the
problem with this of course: an unconscious person cannot keep their mouth
wide open on their own, but I'm sure they the have means to figure it out
while I sleep.) I'm considering a practice down the street from me that
advertises their ability to deal with people like me and even claims to be
good at it. (The fact that anyone could be good at dealing with a dentaphone
like me is astounding, I think, since I am quite a difficult patient when I
start thrashing and screaming in the chair.) 

 

But if it were possible to consume something a day, say, a pear, or a peach,
or something, and avoid the dentist altogether, I'd be in favor of that. In
fact, I wouldn't care if said fruit was organic, that's how much in favor
I'd be of that. I'd get said fruit from whatever source I could, even a
Third World fruit factory which employed three-year old disadvantaged child
workers, as wrong as that is, but this is dentist avoidance we're speaking
of here, and no lengths are too far to go. 

 

If you know of such a fruit, or even vegetable for that matter, or even a
baked product, though I find that highly unlikely, please let me know at
your earliest convenience, as there is no time to waste. The dentists are
starting to eye me suspiciously, knowing it is time I cave, and I fear they
will begin actively stalking me, chasing me down the street. If I had an
apple in hand, I could throw it at them, but they far outnumber me. It's
like being accosted by zombies, now that I think of it, though I would never
equate dentists with zombies except that they are relentless and mindless in
their ambition to get me in a chair with my wide open. (Not that zombies
are, of course, I meant only in the sense of relentlessness.) 

 

I shall be anxiously awaiting your news of such a food product that can keep
the dentist away. An immediate response is appreciated, as they're starting
to gather outside my front door.