TheBanyanTree: Achey Breaky Heart

[maria gibson]

Had to get to the ripe old age of 42 to suffer the first broken heart, not a
lot of fun and may be an underrated experience as experiences go.  I've been
mistreated emotionally and spiritually and, yes, by the one I consider to be
the love of my life.  Turns out there just isn't to be any living with the
LOML but I'm sure he serves a purpose.  Currently I believe that to be me
knowing exactly how the one I left must feel.  So.  I sit here with a broken
heart and yet still watch from the outside in and wonder what is to be made
of all of it.  Still analyzing and peering in as a peeping tom.

The stark realities include having no apartment to dwell within for the
month of August, no money for months to come as I straighten out finances
and a lot of painful memories.  I'm not as beaten down as I thought I might
feel but that is, for now, merely a survival tactic.  I have had some
really sad moments, sad for what could have been, and I anticipate more;
they seem to creep up unannounced.  I had to wait to get out until the day
came that I knew I'd be able to walk away without chasing him down again,
again as I did for some months.  I'll never do that again for a man and even
though that means I've been changed in a way which may be construed as not
great, it's a change I'm willing to deal with.  I'm not angry or bitter or
regret decisions I made from sincere love, those would create changes in me
I wouldn't want to deal with.  There is a core person in here that I
like,  a person of strength and character, albiet sometime dumb decision
maker.  I often react from the heart first and it's all up front, heart on
sleeve, stuck to shirt buttons in great gloppy gobs and a smidge on the edge
of my mouth.  That may be my undoing a few more times, I really don't know,
but I want to be accepted for who I am and I want to love myself for those
things.  It would be a loss on my part to try for less.  Perhaps I'll know a
little sooner that the things I love about me are being taken too lightly
and get out before I puddle.  I guess I'll have to wait and see.

I don't regret loving only being consumed by it, especially for one who
didn't return it in a way I needed.  Did he do the best he could?  Perhaps
and probably probably.  In that case, his best wasn't good enough.  He gave
what he had and it turned out to be very damn little.  I need a whole lot
more than that.  So in the future I'll be looking a little closer to see if
the best I can be offered is going to be less than I need.

It's a start isn't it?

Maria