TheBanyanTree: Family Time

[Margaret R. Kramer]

It must be the realization that summer is almost over and fall is creeping
up on us that make families want to spend time together.  All of a sudden
everyone is on the phone or emailing their family suggesting getting
together for picnics, reunions, or just to come up to the lake.  Most of my
co-workers have family plans this weekend and it turns out we do, too.

Ray had six children; one son and five daughters.  The oldest daughter
committed suicide about four years ago, I think.  The rest of his children
are married or in relationships.  Ray has 11 grandchildren and several
great-grandchildren.  That’s a big family, isn’t it?

I’m not going into detail here how Ray and I met on the internet and got
together.  It’s the usual blah, blah, blah, but needless to say, his
children weren’t very pleased, and he has suffered the repercussions from
his decision to leave Milwaukee and come to Minnesota.  He goes through the
“come here, get away” scenarios, “We want to see you, but we hate you” kind
of thing.

Ray hasn’t been to Milwaukee for two years now.  The last time he went, his
ex-wife totally dominated his time.  He took her to the grocery store (she
doesn’t drive), clothes shopping, and visiting relatives.  It seemed like he
spent about two minutes with his kids and the rest of the time with her.
That doesn’t make a lot of sense, because he didn’t go to Milwaukee to see
her, but to see his children and grandchildren, but every time he’s gone to
Milwaukee without me, his ex (and he allows it to happen) turns the visit
into being with her most of the time.

Ray’s way of dealing with that is just not to go at all.  That sounds cruel,
but remember, there is this “come here, get away” thing going on, too.  One
of his granddaughters graduated from high school this past June.  Her way of
inviting him to Milwaukee was to email him and write, “We all hate you, but
my graduation is on . . .”  He saw that and said, “Screw it.”  He didn’t go.

Then she called on the day of her graduation party and invited him to come.
OK, it takes at least 5-6 hours to drive to Milwaukee from here.  I guess he
was supposed to just jump in the car and go.  Ray said no, and I bet they
were all bitching about how nasty he was not to go to her graduation party.
That’s the kind of stuff he gets from them.  It seems the best way to deal
with it is to ignore it.

Sometimes they do come here to the Cities.  But the visits have been
unannounced, so Ray has no way of reacting to them.  One time his daughter
and her husband showed up at our door at 9:00 am on a Sunday morning.  We
were just getting dressed.  They wouldn’t come into the house.  They didn’t
invite Ray to breakfast.  They talked for a few minutes and left.

Another time we came home and Ray had a note on his car from his
granddaughter.  She had stopped by, but he wasn’t home.  Duh!  Why didn’t
she call and set something up with him?

Ray’s son called yesterday and will be in town today.  He wants to get
together.  Gee, we actually got notice and can be prepared.  What a novelty.
Jimmy has been the best one of the lot.  He’s the oldest and I think he
realizes his parents’ marriage wasn’t much of anything.  He might not be
thrilled about his dad leaving his mother, but he’s not letting it rock his
world either.

Ray needs to spend time with his own family and not just with mine.  It
makes him feel good to see his family, but he doesn’t like being manipulated
by them.  He also needs to protect himself from their head games.  I’m
pleased Jimmy called him and Ray can get caught up on the family news.

So, we, the two most isolated people in St Paul have been pulled into the
family time in August scenario as well.

Margaret R. Kramer
margaretkramer at comcast.net

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
~Bertrand Russell