TheBanyanTree: The Way of It

[maria gibson]

It was never discussed, this arrangement.  I would leave the house and leave
my son with his father.  I would leave the animals with the son and his
father.  I would ride off into the sunset fifteen minutes from that house
with nary a responsibility.  My son's father would shoulder the financial
situation I took a few months creating and now without any of the monetary
support I had had to offer.  He would become the sole disciplinarian and be
the go to guy when money, soothing words and a parental signature were
needed.  None of it discussed.  There is no way, no way on God's green earth
that my husband would have or could have done what his wife did.  He would
lay down in a mine field in defense to anyone who said he had even a shred
of whatever it takes to leave.  Up and leave.  Adios and ciao, even.  Aloha,
sayonara and goodbye.  See ya...wouldn't wanna be ya.

Now comes discussion.  A lawyer called, I can't blame my husband.  What goes
where, what stays and what will you store for me.  Who wants the remainder
of the dishes, how do we separate the photos and I swear to God, if you make
me take the treadmill, I promise to sell the damn thing.  What common legal
ties need to be untied, untangled and in some cases cut loose because the
interweaving is so great.  Discussion begins in pain but holds a certain
comfort of forward motion and of taking control that which has seemed way
out of control for a long time.  Many, many things are discussed now with
earnest and with more ease, the first of it since my husband's wife left.
Who'd have believed that it could release some of the stress?

How long will we keep having sex?  This is discussed in conjunction with the
tired looks on our faces which are often gaped at to know we still have sex,
we still see each other and sometimes have a sleepover after dinner.  Why,
how can we do that and if we can why isn't the wife moving back home where
she belongs?  My husband says we'll have sex until either I find someone
else or he finds someone else.  Until then, we can freely partake of the
well from which we have sipped for a long, long time.  Or guzzled from as
the case has been known to be, even now in this time of upheaval.  Nothing
like a long, refreshing slaking of thirst.

He is quite straightforward on this matter.  He will, at some point, be
seeking someone to spend time with and to eventually be his mate.  He wants
that life, he thought he'd be married for the rest of his life and he wishes
it would be me but if not, it'll be someone else.  Honest to God, my husband
said those words to his wife.  A no-shitter, that sentence.  It's not
something I relish the idea of but at the same time I hope he can do that
without too much more pain.  He has been in a tremendous amount of pain,
some of which has been discussed but mostly witnessed, noted and cried over
in the dark of a bedroom for one.  If only, if only, something could have
been accomplished without it being what it is.

But don't you see?  This is what it is taking, this *is* what I needed, no
counseling necessary.  Nothing to fix and I wouldn't qualify it as broken
when it is just me.  Me the not wife.  Me the not in an everyday sense
mother.  Me the person who is free to leave the house and roam in the rain,
smoking and ruining her slippers.  Me, the girl on the street on her way to
work, bag slung over shoulder, enjoying the tremendous, sensual olfactory
and visual artwork of trees, flowers, cars and harried drivers, construction
in mad motion and old men to wave to.  Me who can do whatever I want.  I
don't foresee another long term relationship.  I had a fine one.  I came to
discover that I don't want it any more.  I don't know for how long.  For as
adamantly as the husband will seek a mate, the wife will eschew any
possibility of garnering one, at least for a long while.

And discussion turns its ugly head toward money.  How to divide material
assets.  How to divide pension monies already being delivered monthly and
those to come in the future.  How to pay the bills we have now, to include a
mortgage and a car payment.

It's easy.  I want no material assets.  I removed myself on purpose and will
not take any of what is needed by those who stayed, those abandonees as it
were.  I don't want pension monies, now or in the future.  I want to give
money to the household fifteen minutes away so that the son will have shoes
when needed and extra money will be available for some entertainment.  We'll
divide the bills based on who earns most.  The husband got the ass of that
jack but he out earns his wife by three times what she makes.  Still, she
got some credit cards to pay off, small as those balances are.  Perhaps,
these decisions are the only fair ones I have made in almost a year.  I am
asked if I am punishing myself.  I don't think I am, I'm trying to take
responsibility and how can I leave to take care of myself and then lean hard
to the left for support?  I can't.  Turns out I can live with myself for
those leaving actions of late but could not live with taking any more from
that house than is necessary.

I took me.  Wasn't that enough?


Maria