TheBanyanTree: Feeling My Emotions

[Monique]

I readily admit that in order to feel at all worthwhile, I would have to
be twice as good as anyone else. This is a problem for me since I can
only be a human, and therefore unable to possess superhuman qualities. 

This was readily brought home to me when I was told I was a "mere
mortal." After the initial shock, I thought that maybe it would be
easier to be a mere mortal. Maybe I could just be me, and be terribly
flawed, and it would still be okay. 

I suppose I should be grieving the loss of my youth, but half the time I
just don't want to be old, and the other half of the time I wonder when,
if ever, I'll grow up. The other half of the time I don't pay any
attention.

That is indeed 3 halves of one time, which is supposedly impossible, but
I like to think of myself as complex. Like a carbohydrate.

I'm in transition too. While Pat is separating from an Andrew, I've
found my own Andrew to be with the rest of my life. But perhaps I'm too
old to have a child now -- he is not, and for the first time in my life
it's something I could actually imagine with someone, so perhaps we
will. 

Like Pat, I have had a hard time believing I have value. But I filed my
taxes yesterday, having taken advantage of the second deadline until the
last moment, and the IRS is convinced that I have value. So much so,
that I've had to promise them my firstborn child in case I don't live
long enough to pay them off. While this doesn't give me intrinsic value,
it does provide the sort of value that has meaning in my family of
origin, at least to certain parts of it. This does not comfort me as
people who like me for my money aren't welcome at my next wedding.

They are free to send gifts however.

That was a joke.

I'm hoping to return to writing. In one week I move to a new residence
with my Andrew, and once we're moved in it's time for me to get back to
work. One week from tonight I'll be sleeping in a new place. It's like a
whole new world out there. It IS a whole new world out there. 

Monique