TheBanyanTree: This Woman's Crisis

[Maria Gibson]

Ever since Pam blew me away with the vision she has of her midlife, if
this is the middle of what she gets, crisis, I have wracked my brain for
an answer.  How did I know?  I don't know.  I suspected it at first,
really, wasn't sure and then had to have time to let the idea sink in,
marinate.  When did I know?  I don't know exactly but when I finally
became aware of it as a life event, there was no denying it or turning
it back.   I think it began last fall, perhaps in September.  I began a
peri-menopausal journey in that my cycle doubled (sorry, guys, but this
is part of the story and let's face it, a part of life) to every two
weeks and I began having trouble sleeping all night.  But with that came
a more even keeled feeling emotions wise.  I've always swum around in a
hormonal tide and it seemed that I became calmer in those aspects.
Throw in a raging sex drive and you have September 2004.  By November I
began to wear makeup, got my hair cut even shorter and began to feel,
actually *feel* like a normal weight at a size 12.  By January I knew I
needed to have more time to myself and began to orchestrate going part
time in my job.  All winter and spring I floundered and reeled from the
crashing waves of what I was feeling.  I knew I was beginning to know
that I didn't really want to be everyone's world center anymore.  Didn't
want to take care of anyone else but myself anymore.  I really struggled
to deny these feelings.  In early July my family went to Iowa for a week
and all hell broke loose inside of me.  I began very serious flirtation
and started to become aware of what it was to be the object of desire.
I had never known that and it was strange to see; I am still very
surprised when it happens but I do recognize it faster now.  I've come
to know that I won't be every man's cup of tea, and even if I'm his he
may not be mine and I don't have to take him up on it.  I can pursue it
if I want to and now I have a better idea of how to do that but therein
lies the problem a lot of times and not just a little bruising of the
heart and emotions.  Pam was my first drunken phone call after an ugly
incident and incidents have at times gotten uglier.  Uglier in that I
should be home with an apron on and cookies in the oven but I'm not.
And don't want to be.  I traipsed along for a few months trying really,
really hard to continue denying my feelings. By late August I was going
to my nice little pub for a beer after work twice a week and by mid
September I was going to several places and some weeks, several nights a
week.  I made some bad choices and ended up spending some nap time in my
car in a parking lot a few times.  I spent time with men I had no
business spending.  Both of those aspects have improved in that I don't
do stupid stuff like that anymore but the bad news is, I've simply
refined my methods and have found ways to do what I want to do but in a
smarter way.   There are a lot of aspects that are fun and funny and
make great stories.  Other parts are just sad and make me wonder why I
don't want to quit doing this.  What I should do and what I want to do
are two entirely, opposite ends of the spectrum, courses of action.
I've had to go with it, flow with it and deal with it.  None of those
has been easy.  As I have stated, this is not for the weak.



Another thing that isn't easy is deciding just how much of this to lay
on the life line I have held with sure hands for nine years.  I
certainly don't want to alienate people, that has happened in this
uncertain time for me, and I don't want to force ugly opinions to rise
to the top of our calm little place, here.  I have thus far on previous
posts touched on only the tip of the tip and a lot of it isn't what
people know of me or think they know of me.  It is what I have come to
find is obviously a truth *about* me or it wouldn't be here.  It must
have been in here all along and is only just now released for whatever
reason.  Realization of half of life gone by?  Partly.  Coming to grips
with being a whole new person after losing enough weight to have housed
another person?  Maybe.   Finding myself at this age, without that
weight, having known only one man sexually and having been married for
twenty-four years and having the blessing of the raging hormones of a
teen boy...?  Abso-frikkin-lutely.  A, B or C?  How about D...?  All of
the above.  Depends on the day as to which one holds top billing.  I'm
just not sure how much the souls in the shadows here can take and which
ones may retreat even further into those places away from me based on
what they read.  I also know that once I ring the bell, baby, it is rung
forever and ever, amen.  No going back, no sucking the life from the
thought.  I'd have to live with whatever came of it.  It's likely I'll
still be providing some seriously edited versions of the truth which
won't make what I say the untruth, just edited for the concern of the
consumer.



I am asked from time to time by people who certainly hold a stake in the
answer, what I'm looking for.  What is it you're looking for, what is
the goal, what are you trying to achieve?  I have been left without an
answer and without the desire to provide one but this weekend, an answer
of sorts has surfaced in my head.  I am mostly looking for an
uncomplicated time at the moment.  It seems a simple enough answer to
me.  The rest of the time I honestly just want to be away from the sound
of a television in a home environment that seems to shrink in on me
because of all it entails.   Sometimes it seems the best answers would
be in the negative realm.  I don't want to be responsible for more than
one person.  I don't want to leave my current life nor do I wish to live
it.  I don't want to be called upon to give any answers as to
where/what/why/how or with whom.  I don't want to hurt anyone but that
seems an impossibility at this point.  I *do* want to be allowed to let
this come to a conclusion without making a decision that could have
awful ramifications and am aware of how entirely selfish that is.  But.
If I had not been allowed the latitude up to this point that I have been
allowed, I'd be gone already.  I say 'allowed' in that I have been
mostly unquestioned and never have I been chastised for coming home very
late (or early, depends on the perspective) and/or very drunk.  To say
that my husband deserves better is a monumental understatement and yet I
know in my heart what the outcome would be if he dealt with me any
differently at this point.  Maybe he does as well.


So, I continue to risk a lot.  I move without a purpose most of the time
and in a fog which doesn't seem will clear any time soon.   I'm not sure
what to do about it because my feelings of guilt are almost
non-existent.  I do feel badly that someone is being lied to and I feel
badly that I'm not ready to give this up yet.  I do feel some conclusion
of some sort coming sometime.  I don't know what, when or how it will
play out.  I can't even answer as to what I want the conclusion to be.
Sometimes I think I do but am afraid to say the words because those are
the days I start wondering how I can take care of myself financially, on
my own.  Other days I think I'll be ok in a few months with a lot of
memories out of the way and a lot of questions finally answered and put
away.  I'm not sorry I'm taking risks because that is a wonderful and
liberating feeling and way to conduct life.  Even when I am hurt, I am
not sorry I took the risk and put myself out there.  I feel so
wonderfully alive for those efforts and I wouldn't trade that for
anything.  I have learned so much about myself and who I am and what I
need.  I have seen me as a woman through my own eyes and have enjoyed a
lot about who she is.  When I take away all of the wrongs, I am left
with so many rights and that is why I can't not do this.  Given how
wrong some of it is, it's no wonder I'm conflicted.


I suggest that if you think you may be headed for a midlife crisis, hang
on.  If you let go emotionally and let it take you for all it's worth,
you'll need a lot of strength and courage in order to make it all the
way through.  Parts of it won't be pretty, none of it will be familiar
and all of it will be an education.


Maria