TheBanyanTree: Dear Dr. P.B.D., Where the hell are you when I need you??

[Maria Gibson]

I am trying so hard.  So really very fucking hard, if I can be crude and 
vulgar.  May I be? Crude?  How about vulgar?   May I be vulgar?  How 
many times, how often can vulgar be the entree of the day?  How often 
indeed?  Not as often as I need, I am pretty freakin' sure.  I need, at 
this very moment as I sit here, I am in desperate need to be raw.  
Open.  Bleeding.  Sucking and feeding from the flesh of my very bones 
which seems fitting as I am likely to just sink in on myself in the 
end.  Don't look.

Ok.  If ya must know.  Yes.  Been drinking but it is not the subject at 
hand, for freaking once.  Even if it were the subject at hand, I'd lie.  
That, however is another subject.  Not exactly at hand but surely has a 
hand in it.  Because pressed very hard at all, and not really like I'd 
have to be pressed but just a nudge would send me to lie-ville, I'd 
lie.  But for you.  Friends, I'll tell the truth.  Just this once and 
don't get used to it.

I finally saw 'stood me up' dude.  Very nice apology which I accepted 
without question.  I am that kind of girl.  But.  I had plans and so I 
stuck to them.  Because I am also *that* kind of girl and no guy is 
going to dictate my evening.  I actually wanted to just stay there but 
principle made me leave.  Damn the principle.  Dude can be quite 
captivating.  Saw my most recent of dates at the next place, not too 
awkward...interesting, though.  Seems he checked with every pool shot to 
be sure I was watching to see if I noticed.  Which I did because I was 
watching but not nearly (at all) as covertly as I'd have preferred.  
Funny, talented engineer which is quite intriguing for me.  I really dig 
intelligence and humor as a package deal.  But.  This particular 
engineer actually said, when asked if I'd get to see him in the same 
capacity again in which I saw him last..."I don't know."  Wrong answer, 
dude, seems intelligence is no replacement for common sense.  Lie for 
God's sake, why dontchya?  I am sorely in need of a good lie if nothing 
else.  Although the rest of it was pretty good and I don't actually mean 
it, because right this nano-second I'm sticking with the lie option.

Then.  Just to cap the night off because I needed a good capping.  Met a 
nice young man, insert 25 years old here, who had had all of two lovers 
in all his young life.  Very intriguing.  Leads me to WalMart to get 
'the things' and when he comes out to my waiting self (who didn't just 
traipse in because I worried he'd think I had left him standing alone in 
the WalMart parking lot) I ask how he plans to pay for said priorly 
arranged room.  Debit, he says.  I can't let you pay that all yourself 
says I, the upstanding motherly type who wouldn't want a young man to 
squander his money, and so go on in to get a diet drink and cash.  To 
come out.  To a 'no young man waiting' parking lot.  Same kind I'd have 
*never* let another human being find themselves in for my sake.  No.  I 
wouldn't do that.  I am apparently alone in the world on these kinds of 
matters.  Seems a married woman is fair game on the open market; any 
shit goes seeing as how she's so wrong anyway.  Can't hurt her feelings, 
right, seeing as how she's already an asshole extraordinaire?  Yeaaaah.  
Right.

I am fair game, it seems.  Doesn't seem fair, though.

Maria