TheBanyanTree: Another 24 hours..

[Woofie]

Hello Rejects,

Sometimes yer has days where things go right and all is right wid yer
world.

Yesserday I managed ter single pawedly annihilate a idjit contractor
who was givin us all grief. I woan go into details, cuz it is all
techo stuff and yers will all start yawning..jes let's say that this
particular idjit woan be botherin us no more. To add ter the
satisfaction of yesserday, Kickboxer, our boss, gort caught wid his
pants down....

Yer sees, due ter circumstances beyond his control, Kickboxer has
started drivin a bike ter work. Because he is drivin a bike, he wears
old clothes and changes when he gits ter work and changes back again
when he gets ready ter ride home. Yesserday arvo he was gitting
changed and I was hurling lewd suggestions at him through his shut
office door. This is a regular event..anyways, me insults musta gort
ter him cuz he opened his door and poked his just his head around the
door ter hurl some abuse back at me.

At that very moment, our new boss walked in (she is also Kickboxer's
new boss) looking for the Screecher  (one of the loonies in our
office):

"Have you seen [the Screecher]?, asks new boss.

"Nah," I replies, bending over and looking unner me desk, "She ain't
here, but...have a look in Kickboxer's back pocket..she might be
there..."

New boss starts terwards Kickboxer's office and there is a roar and
curse from him as he hides hisself even more firmly behind his door.
New boss, realising that something was amiss, but not sure what, beat
a retreat, whilst Kickboxer hurled curses at me threatening revenge.

This morning I paid a visit ter me doc. I has stopped giving him
advanced warning of me visits, cuz I is worried he might develop
ulcers or other anxiety related illnesses..is best jes ter spring me
visit on him, so he doan have time ter git all worked up first and
plan evasive actions.

Folks..there is no better start ter any day than ter give someone a
good pulping....is much better fer yer system than bloody bran flakes
or prune juice..in fact a pulping a day keeps the doctor
away...particularly when it is yer doc wot yer administers the pulping
to. (Note! never go ter one of them bleedin wimmen docs...they tend
ter complain and whimper a lot when yer pulps em.)

Anyhows, this morning i went ter me doc ter git a flu injection...the
reason fer gitting flu injections is so you can feel seedy fer a
coupla days and suffer a stiff arm and neck..also, as usual, me doc was
in trouble, soze there was a legit excuse ter give him a pulping..this
time he was in trouble fer depriving me of some sanity enhancing
medication. It did not take me long ter demonstrate ter him the error
of his ways and ter gain reparation fer his unlawful act.

...........................................................

Tuesday nights is me late night at work where I does the weekly
network maintenance after hours. Me tame cab driver, or one of his
cronies, allus drives me home afterwards. Last night one of his
cronies, called the Pirate, picked me up.

The Pirate is a bit of a rev head...so much so that he will not allow
mechanics ter put anything but a special brand of synthetic oil in his
private car when it has a oil change. Last night he was congratulating
hisself cuz he had managed ter buy a 1979 Harley Davidson Sportster
real cheap in the local advertising rag. He is doing it up and will
sell it for more than twice wot he paid fer it and make a real profit.
Anyways he was telling me that there is not much work wot needs ter be
done on it..jes stuff like a bit of pitting on the chrome work of the
exhaust tank...

"And of course my Dremel is the perfect tool for dealing with that,"
he said.

I nearly choked, because as youse all know, all folks wot has Dremels
also wears red knickers and owns revolvers. However, I did not ask him
iffen he wore red knickers and owned a revolver, as it would have
taken too long ter explain.

"I have a Dremel too," I replied, "They are a great tool."

"Yup," he continued, "They are just the thing for getting into cracks
and small spaces...in fact they are perfect for the gnomes..."

"Gnomes?" I asked.

"Yeah," he sez, "just the thing for getting into the cracks and
creases in gnomes.."

"Eh?" I sez, lookin really confused.

"Garden gnomes!" he explains, "Me sister's....I is repainting em fer
her....she saw wot a great job I did of our Mum's gnomes and so she
asked me if I would do up her gnomes. So last night she brought over
all her gnomes. I likes ter paint em in bright colours soze I uses
full gloss enamel, not that cement paint stuff...me mum's gnomes is
them old ones wot is made of solid cement, not like me sister's...hers
is made from them cheap terracotta shells...but I fixed them fer
her...I filled em up wid cement!"

Obviously the Pirate comes from a gnomic family, even though he must
be the odd one out, seein as he is about 6 foot 6 tall;)

I think me utterances has jes dried up...I mean, yer has ter do a
serious adjustment of yer world view ter encompass the phenomenon of
cab drivers who paint gnomes, doan ya!

Woof, doing slow deep breaths while trying ter accept the reality of
the gnomic world...


-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie ,                         mailto:woofie at woofess.com

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"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
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Website: http://www.woofess.com
Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/