TheBanyanTree: We wouldda won, but...

[Woofie]

  Orn friday I went sailing. It was one of them "vendor liaison"
  thingies, where yer vendors takes their clients out fer a good time.
  Natchurly, yer has ter attend these functions, tedious as they may
  be, cuz it is part of yer job ter sacrifice yerself like this
  *cough*:)

  Anyhows as soon as we was jes about ter pull away from the mooring
  (why can't these Foundation Class yatchets have engines like
  civilised boats?!!) a big willy willy (that is a whirly gig wind fer
  youse Mercans and other iggerant folks) sprung up and we slammed
  into boats behind us and me Tilly hat blew orf:((( Even though tilly
  hats float, it took orf and I was not able ter find it...wot means
  that I has ter go alla way ter Canuckia ter git another one!!!

  We noticed that one of the dudes on one of the boats was wearing a
  life jacket (inna middle of the Swan River fer Cripes sake!!!) I
  asked the dudes on my boat why this other dude was wearin a life
  jacket:

  "It's cuz he is a Canadian!" they answered.

  I looked real perplexed about this cuz I has been ter Canada and I
  knows lots of Canucks and none of them wears life jackets. I kept
  hounding em:

  "He is scared of  bein et by a shark," they explained further.

  "Why?" I kept asking.

  But afore I could git a sensible answer, someone else piped up,
  "Hah! I have sailed on the Swan fer years and I ain't never seen a
  shark here!"

  I didn't disillusion him, nor did I say I had the pic ter prove
  there was man eatin sharks inna Swan river...heheehhheh.

  [See here:
  http://public.fotki.com/woofie/woof_pics/sharks/planningday.html ]

  At last someone came ter me rescue:

  "He saw two fins a while back and he decided he better put orn his
  life jacket!" explained someone else.

  [For the more tender-hearted and apprehensive amongst youse, the fins
  in question belonged ter a pair of dolphins wot was prancing
  around.]

  Obviously Canucks believe that wearin orange life jackets is
  protection against flying sharks!!

  In between doing heavy muscle work pulling ropes and stuff like that
  I gort ter be the bar bitch...ie the person wot hands round the
  drinks...I didn't do too bad a job of that iffen I sez so meself:)

  Our yacht wouldda won ceptin fer some untoward
  happenings...well..we wouldda least gort a place!!

  Fust of all, we hadda trainer who was a young blonde filly and she
  didn't know alla marker buoys (pronounced "boys", youse iggerant
  Amercans!), cuz she had only recently been recruited ter this yacht
  club. However, that was not her fault.

  Secondly, alla fellas (I was only filly besides the trainer) was too
  busy eyeing orf her attributes ter pay attention ter the race..in
  particular, Barry, who was salivatin over her legs the whole
  time.."I am 60," he explained ter me, "So I is at that dangerous
  age!!". This was not the trainer's fault neither, cuz she couldn't
  help her attributes.

  Thirdly, despite the aforementioned obstacles, we was well terwards
  the head of the race when we was accosted by a cranky ole
  gerryatrick sailing a rickety geriatric ole yatchet (not part of
  the race). The ole bugger wouldn't let us pass him, cuz he reckoned
  he had right of way. He was jumping up and down and frothing atta
  mouth. Barry wanted ter ram him and the rest of us was in agreement
  wid that, but our trainer tole us ter do the polite thing and let
  him go first.

  Fourthly, we was catching up speed again and aiming fer the next
  marker buoy when we was accosted by a pair of retarded adolescents
  inna 2 man kayak. Instead of actually rowing the bloody thing, they
  jes sat there in front of us wid blank stares. Obviously they had
  not yet figgered out wot the bloody paddles was fer! Barry wanted
  ter ram em and the rest of us was in agreement wid him, but again
  our trainer made us go around the buggers. This really put us
  behind.

  Fifthly, after catching up some speed after the idjit kayackers, we
  hadda tread carefully through a minefield of lobster plots and their
  ropes and floats, cuz some idjit was jes setting em out fer the
  night from his boat. Of course Barry wanted ter ram the bugger and
  the rest of us was all inna greement... We shouldda rammed the
  bugger, cuz wot happened was that we caught one of his bloody
  lobster pots round our keel! We spent the rest of the race dragging
  miles of rope and a lobster pot back to port!!  Natchurly, on par
  fer the rest of the day, the bloody pot was empty of crabs or
  lobsters or other edible crustaceans!

  Natchurly our crew was the laughing stock of alla other competitors,
  but, as most of the other competitors was males too, I spect they
  was mostly jealous, cuz they didn't score our trainer wid her long
  legs!

  After chattin up and boozin orn and eatin a good free feed I made me
  way round ter the back of the yatchet club (them yatchet club folks
  [not the folks I was wid] is really so up themselves it is a wunner
  they doan suffer from permanent cramps..I spect it is the "Royal"
  moniker in the front of their name wot causes this affliction..I
  trots round ter the front of the yatchet club (wid a number of other
  uncouth personages) where me cabbie was waiting slumped over the
  roof of his cab (he allus places hisself in this pose when he is
  waiting fer me)...

  "OOh.." I yells loudly at him, "Is you lookin fer a good time,
  Hunky?"

  "Nah!" he replies disgustedly, "I is takin YOU home, ain't I?!!"

      
  

-- 
Best regards,
 Woofie,                       mailto:woofie at woofess.com

**********************************************************
"The one constant in life is absurdity" - Woofie - 30/4/02
**********************************************************

Website: http://www.woofess.com
Photos: http://public.fotki.com/woofie/