TheBanyanTree: One's Self

[Maria Gibson]

Once upon a time I spent time by myself.  This was time spent lonely and
discarded, a wadded up tissue of child girl who did not fit in, although
I desperately wanted to.  In a nearly soft and nostalgic way, I remember
being picked last for the team.  The memory comes complete with eyes
rolling from the unlucky captain who had unwittingly chosen wrong from
the beginning just by being first or last depending on the number of
people from which to choose.  No matter the number, I was the odd one
left.  Almost as often I was alone in my family, the only girl among two
brothers and a stepbrother.  I was voiceless but had a talent for
traversing those paths which were unpleasant.   Leaving them and all the
ugliness behind, I took walks and once discovered a ditch, which was to
me a babbling brook. From the edge of the brook, the edge of the road, I
enjoyed watching multi-colored dragonflies bobbing and weaving above the
tiny ripples created by the flow of water over the small rocks.  They
danced to their own tune and then would rest on fragile foliage.
Because it was the road less traveled I was rarely disturbed and could
sit and gaze as if into a diorama, flitting from my daily life as easily
as the dragonflies from the water and coming to rest within my
thoughts.  From a time of loneliness was born a love of solitude, which
took a long time to own.

Certainly, a gift.

Without time to myself now, I am fragmented.  Uneasy, without clear
borders and prone to irritability.  Time is needed to think and let
creative juices flow allowing me to form clear thoughts from which to
gather lines to present outside of myself.  What I once mistakenly
thought was a desire to fit in was a yearning to be understood.  I want
to be understood now much the same as then.  With age has come a clearer
picture on how that can be achieved.  In a paradox, which I did not
invent, I am only fit to be with others when I have allowed myself to be
alone.  That is when I can rush back to the human race bearing a smile
and a love to be with others once again.

My life is such now that the difference between loneliness and solitude
is who and what I have to return to and how warm will be the reception.

Certainly, a gift.

Maria