TheBanyanTree: The Adventures of the Red Knickers - Part 1

[woofie at woofess.com]

The Woofess is onna mission. The Woofess is onna mission ter spread the word 
of a new religion...a new religion wot involves holes through the middle of 
the earth, yoyo gods, snake handling and men's red underdaks. 

It's a long story, folks...a long story wot started orf this way.... 

Our boss, Kickboxer (or KB for short) came into work one morning a couple of 
weeks ago boasting he had won a bra orf one of his main squeezes the night 
afore in a bet. This was one of two dumb things he did that day...yeah..the 
first dumb thing was that he boasted about winning the bet...the second dumb 
thing he did was have a bet with me after this about something where he 
insisted he was right and I was wrong....very silly ...I declared his 
underdaks as me prize fer winning the bet...he kindly washed em first:) 

These are not jes any underpants, folks..they is red ones..and as you know, 
red ones go faster. They proved their worth when they wiped an hour orf the 
travel time between Sinny and San Francisco:) Oh yeah...I fergort...me 
mission ter spread the word of the red underdaks...well..ter spread the word 
of any new religion involves a  bit of travel..and if yer really wanna 
spread the word, then yer has ter do a bit of globe trotting.so that is wot 
I is doing. 

While waiting at the airport in Sinny fer the dreaded United Airlines 
flight, McManly (me evil mate in Sinny, who had come pay me an audience) and 
I created the foundations of our new religion... 

I had been telling him about this wunnerful ole science teacher I had at 
school who used ter pose such questions like if there was a hole right 
through the middle of the earth and yer dropped a rock down it, wot would 
happen to it? 

McManly ponders fer a minnit and sez: 

"Wot if you dropped a god [note we is talking about gods in general here and 
not blaspheming, follks]down the hole? 

"Ah, that's obvious." I replies, When the god passed through the middle of 
the earth and came out the other side, it would be a dog!" 

"Ah..yeah," he agrees, "But wot would the god be in the very middle of the 
earth?" 

"Simple!" I replies, "The god would be a big fat O..zero!" 

"Ah," sez, McManly catching on, "the d and the g would drop off and there 
would jes  be the o!" 

"Yup," I replies, "The god would jes go backwards and forwards from point to 
point through the earth like a yoyo..dog ...o...god...o...dog...!" 

"Ahhhhhhhhh!!" exclaims Mcmanly in a moment of rapture, "The Yoyo of God!" 
Wot a wunnerful title fer a book!!" 

"It's a new religion," I sez, devoutly. 

Now..I am not sure where the red knickers come into the equation, but it is 
obvious that they is the vessel of transfer for this new religion...I mean 
anything that can shave an hour of that interminable trip ter San Francisco, 
jes has ter have miraculous powers doan it! 

...... 

It were inneresting standing in line fer the check in fer United 
Airlines...like all airline queues, it was a mile long. Mcmanly stayed wid 
me, until they forcibly ejected him and we chatted our usual nonsense. This 
gort some Mercan dude behind us cackling wid laughter and he joined in too. 
As we gort closer ter the counter I observed the United airlines staff 
communicating wid each passenger: 

"Cripes!!!" I exclaims, "They ain't gonna stay employed wid UA fer long!" 

"Why not?" The fellers asked. 

"They is actually being polite AND friendly AND they is smiling at folks!!!" 

This amazing new behaviour of UA staff persisted, even orn the flight...the 
attendants were actually cheerful and friendly and even joked a bit...I jes 
hope their employers doan find out, cuz it will ruin the airline's 
reputation fer having the sourest most menopausal air flight attendants in 
the air! 

Orn arriving at SFO, I found I hadda have me paw prints printed and me 
eyeballs scanned: 

"Me eyeballs is all bloodshot," I sez ter the customs leddy, "Woan that 
bugger up the scan?" 

"No," she sez, giggling...giggling???? Customs dudes wot giggles or laughs 
or smiles? Wot is happening in Amerca?!! 

As soon as they let me out, I was pounced orn by the Full Moon Warrior 
Princess (a loony friend of mine..FMWP fer short), who piled me into her 
Mustang and drove me orf ter a mob of vineyards where she applied Chinese 
Vino torture, by pouring all these wines down me throat. The only solution 
ter this was ter buy a few bottles of wine....hmm..Callyfawynan wines is 
definitely improving in quality..another two hunnerd years or so, they might 
be almost as good as Aussie wines *snicker*. 

We drives as far as a place called Garberville and decides ter stay fer the 
night. This place is right out inna boonies, folks. I was worried that they 
might not even speak Inglish there. We trotted over ter the local 
supermarket (there was only one..I told yers it were a small town) and gits 
some provisions. The checkout leddy asks me where I was from. I tells her 
Western Orstralia: 

"I thought I recognised the accent," she sez, triumphantly, "My daughter 
lives in Cottesloe!!!" <-- a beach suburb of Perth. 

Bleedin norah!! 

The next day we set out fer Oregon...one of my favritist places...FMWP had 
never been there afore so I was able ter tell her alla bout it, wot I 
proceeded ter do. Now, fer youse armchair travellers, Northern Callyfawyna 
and Southern Oregon has two notable thingies..incredible coastlines and 
incredible redwood forests...both are spectacularly beautiful and there 
ain't nuffink else like em inna world. I has started putting up pics 
here...but I is adding to em alla time, so you might wanna bookmark the URL 
iffen yer is innerested:
http://public.fotki.com/woofie/woof_pics/rt4/
W:)
PS..Check fer sightings of the red knickers everywhere...