TheBanyanTree: Unsettled

[Pam North]

I feel very 'unsettled' lately.  Not sad or depressed; but not happy
and energetic.  Something doesn't feel right, but I have no clue what
it is.

Life is pretty good right now and I don't have a lot to complain
about.  Okay, I probably have *nothing* to complain about that's
valid, but I could maybe come up with a few things for the heck of it.

I just feel 'weird' inside.

I think some of it may stem from my experiences in the last couple of
weeks, but I dunno.  Thinking of things to do differently or ways to
be more appreciative.  Being *really* ticked at the neighbor's kid!

A couple of weeks ago the kids and I went camping for a long weekend. 
I asked Nick next door, to 'dog sit', and feed and water Hannah and
let her in and out.  He's done it before, and I usually pay him for
it.  The last time I left for an overnight though, he wouldn't take
any money.

And since then his family has gone off twice, and I've dog sat their
three chuachuas. (spell check won't work... don't know if that's
right)

So we went camping and came home.  I didn't go right over to pay Nick,
but that's no big deal either.  Talking to him last week, I reminded
him that I still owed him money.  The next day he and his mom were
going to Lowe's and I asked them to pick something up for me.  I had
$12 cash that I gave them to cover the purchase.  Turned out that it
only cost $2 so Nick said he had a ten to give back.  I told him to
keep it for feeding the dog, and we'd be even.

He insisted no, it was no problem, he wouldn't take any  money.  I
insisted that he had done a huge favor for me in allowing me to go off
and not have to worry about the dog's wellbeing.  He insisted no
money.

Finally we agreed that he would use his riding mower and do a sweep of
my whole yard for $20.  That would he would keep the ten, and I'd give
him another.  He mentioned what a generous offer it was, and I told
him it was really pretty cheap of me!  (Usually my son uses the push
mower and does the lawn in sections, but with all the crappy weather
and hectic schedules, sometimes I just need Nick to catch us up.)  So
the deal was settled.

That conversation happened on a Tuesday.  He said he'd probably be
mowing the yards he was hired for on Thursday.  Well, he didn't.  And
then it rained.  Did I say 'rained'??  No.  It *poured*.  Soaked the
ground.  And then rained on and off for the next couple of days.  I
have dandilions over eighteen inches tall right now!!  Finally, on
Sunday, my son did mow one section.  I gave up on Nick.

Last night, I was over at mutual friends' and Nick was there.  And I
commented to him on me waiting around to get my lawn mowed.  And he
said, "Ya, for *only* twenty bucks!"

"Nick!  You told me it was twenty dollars *plenty*!!"

"Why don't you get Charlie to do it?  Big strapping kid."

"Nick!  You told me you'd do it and you kept the first ten dollars!!"

"Ya!  Because you didn't pay me for dogsitting!"

Oh.  My.  Gosh.

This little sh** ticked me off!  Sure he was getting all into himself
and being a smarta**, and sure, I allowed him to get to me.  I just
stared at him.  He wasn't totally joking, and I guess he hadn't been
totally honest with me.

I assured him then that I did *not* want him to mow my yard.  In fact,
I don't think I'll ever hire him to do anything for me ever again!

Meanwhile, a week before all of that happend, I was at the ballfield
and met up with my friend Diane as we walked from the parking lot to
the fields.

I've known Diane and her family for close to eight years.  Her kids
are around the same age as mine, and between sports, school, community
stuff, and the Marine Corps, we have crossed paths for lots of reasons
and become 'friends' of sorts.  I've never spent much time at her
house, or her mine, but we've always hugged each other when we saw
each other and we've always laughed and joked.  A different kind of
kinship, but definitely real.

Diane is a very up-front kind of chick.... 
"Here-I-am-if-you-don't-like-it-leave-I-don't-have-time-for-less" kind
of attitude.  She's very funny and honest and we've always had a bond.

Like when my son was in the third grade, and she worked at the school.
 During lunch, my son removed his Frankel (like a retainer), wrapped
it in a napkin, and then threw it all away as trash when he was done. 
Back at class he told his teacher, and somewhere along the way Diane
came along, and *she* was the one who dug through all the trash to
find it!!  She said she'd knew I'd do the same thing for her!

So there we were walking to the fields when her cell phone rang and it
turned out to be her twelve year old son telling her that he thought
his father was having a heart attack.  At the exact minute that her
sister and brother-in-law were arriving at the house for a visit.  Her
brother-in-law started CPR, her sister called '911', and I threw Diane
in my car and raced her back across town, and home to meet the
ambulance.

At that point I started volunteering myself to help get kids where
they needed to be and do stuff that needed doing so Diane could be at
the hospital.  For the next two days, I made food and checked in a
couple of times a day for the latest.  Sadly, it wasn't a heart
attack, it was a brain aneurysm, and her husband died that Sunday.

Between them they have five children.  The oldest, a 21-year old son,
was able to make it in from Hawaii where he's stationed in the Navy,
to see his dad before he died; an 18-year old daughter who graduated
high school Saturday while her dad was in the hospital; two more
daughters aged 15 and 16; and their youngest son.

Due to the Memorial Day holiday (and the great deals in my squadron!),
I was off of work Monday and Tuesday, and only had to go into work for
a few hours on Wednesday.  I spent all those days at Diane's.

Answering phones, making lists, keeping notes, and mostly:  being the
'go-to' chick in dealing with Diane.  All the hard stuff was kept from
her, and the stuff she absolutely *had* to know, *I* got to be the one
to tell her, or ask her about.

It was incredibly stressful.  Mostly, I had to be strong for her and
the kids.  They cried.  I tried to keep them laughing.  I went with
Diane to the funeral home to make arrangements, I took her to the
cemetary to pick a plot, I went with her to "pre-view" her husband
before visitation.  Don't misunderstand.... there were loads of folks
in and out and helping and cooking and doing a huge myriad of tasks. 
But I found I just couldn't leave her.  If  she left the room for more
than a few minutes, I went looking for her.

And I watched this woman kneel at her husband's casket and tell him
good-bye one last time.  Okay.  I did lose it then.  And watching the
high school's NJROTC students (which included a daughter and the Navy
son) fold the flag at the funeral, the Gunnery Sergeant that was a
family friend present it to her, and listened to the 21-gun salute,
and Taps played.  I cried through all of that.

I worried with Diane about money and what changes needed to be made,
and helped decide who needed to be called, when.

I guess our friendship has reached a new level.  

And then there's Randy.  He's an old friend from the Marine Corps,
retired himself.  I've known him for years, and then a year ago, while
having a silly conversation with another friend, something clicked,
and it started being more.

Except that he's been married.  Unhappily, but married.  And before
you roll your eyes 'cause you've heard *that* before, let me assure
you that it's true.  This is the gospel truth:  *Every*body who knows
him knows it!  They all roll *their* eyes when ever any conversation
mentions him and her, whether he's around or not.  Personally, I have
never met the woman and don't even know what she looks like.

Twenty years ago, shortly after they married, they had a baby girl. 
This little girl developed childhood arthritis, and to 'cure' it, they
had to feed her drugs that screwed with her blood, and eventually she
developed leukemia.  More drugs and years in and out of hospitals. 
Several years ago she had a bone marrow transplant and is now totally
cured.

Randy has stayed with his wife for two main reasons.  The first:  He's
not wanted to *ever* quit on this marriage if there could ever be a
chance.  Secondly, he has felt like Allison lived through enough
heartache in her life and he didn't need to add more by breaking up
the family.  Pretty noble man?  Pretty dumb.  Well, that's probably
not a good word to use, coming from me.

But we've talked a lot this last year.  He is a *very* positive man. 
He knows zillions of people and is very well-liked and respected.  And
he *knows* how short life is!  Why stay miserable??  He was waiting
for Allison to graduate.

And she did last May.  

And he hemmed and hawed and drug his feet....  Or so it seemed to me. 
 For several months, I stopped hanging out with him.  We'd usually
meet for a beer after work a few times a week, but I found myself in
the position of rooting for his marriage's demise, and I didn't like
that at all!!!

He has property issues within his family, he has a successful
business, he has investments.  He has been waiting for her to leave. 
If he left, or asked her to leave, the fight would get ugly.  If she
left on her own, she'd just go.

I guess she is an incredilby unhappy woman who doesn't know what she
wants in life.  I feel badly for her.  Nothing ever seems to be
enough, nothing satisfies.  Now, she is weeks from finishing her
Master's and moved out a couple of weeks ago, taking a job a couple of
hours away.

Several years back she 'changed' religions, and Randy and she don't
believe the same things.  We have 'hung out' all these months, but
never acted in a stealthy or guilty manner.  We're friends hanging
out!  But it has never been an issue since he never goes ANYwhere with
her.  They don't have a single or mutual friend between them.  She has
hated the Marine Corps and all it stood for, partially for her
religious convictions.  Unfortunately, he's been a career Marine and
that wasn't going to change.  They don't share *any* common interests
between them.

Not to drag on or try to justify things....  guess you just really
have to be in the middle of it to get the true feel of it.  But now
she's moved on.  He's done it 'his' way in his time, much to other's
chagrin.  (I think I understand his motives, but a mutual friend
razzes him every time they're together!)

So.  We may have a chance to attempt a *real* relationship.  That is
scarey.  But I do adore him, and excited to try.  I think.

Like I said.  I'm unsettled.  And I really wanted to just put it into words.  

Pam